That night I slept under my bunk in case I had an unwanted late-night visitor. Thankfully, the inmates were far too preoccupied with the Execution Battle.
Everything was quiet.
A graveyard of noise.
People either slept to soak in their one last night of peace, laid awake in a sea of dread or colluded with others to discuss action plans. It smelled like urine.
I counted my heartbeats, tapping my chest.
There must be someone out there like me.
Another being who knew the absence of tears and would hold me in their arms and finally, I could click into them like a puzzle piece.
Honestly, the worst part about this all was not being considered Soulless, was not going to prison, was not the stripping of my rights, was not being slammed to death tomorrow… it was being alone.
How awful this was, this loneliness.
I wished I could cry.
A noise emitted from the cell next door. I knew it well by now. The chorus of Tommy crying. He did that frequently. Most ignored him like a dripping tap in the bathroom or the flashing light on the coffee machine. Without his constant whimpers the prison would be too quiet.
He sat in the corner of his cell next door, rubbing his face.
“Why do you cry?” I bent to him.
“Go away!”
Under the damp dark his face was blotched and the capillaries in his eyes grew red.
“Tommy, it is my firm belief that you should not be in here, more so than I. I am undoubtedly Soulless, however you are a true innocent who has been caught in the cracks of our institution. I am determined to get myself out, however, I will find a way to get you outbeforemyself. I hope you understand the importance of what I am saying—making you my main priority—because I truly do not want to be in here and have no problems of self-admiration.”
I did not think he was listening.
I was unsure if I cared about people. I helped people, yes. But I believed that did not come out of the goodness from my heart, but rather the understanding of following a moral code. Structure was easier than emotion.
We could not have starving children, and so I launched charities to feed starving children. There was not enough aid for the disabled, and so I launched charities to aid the disabled. Elderly people were dying in their homes without proper assistance, and so I launched charities to assist elderly people in their homes. I spent our families fortune and Magnus’s accounts faster than spilling sand for others.
This was simple; find a problem where compassion was needed and fill it with my family’s money.
People thought I was benevolent and generous and packed with love. In fact, it was none of that. I think, deep down, I just wanted to prove to myself that I wasn’t Soulless.
Look, I said to myself.You care about people, you cannot be a psychopath, you cannot be Soulless.
I looked at Tommy with sudden desperation clumping up inside of me. He needed to get out of here.
It did not make sense.
I was now Soulless, I no longer needed to prove to myself that I was not, it was deemed and stamped and marked in me. Yet… why did I care to help Tommy?
I watched Tommy’s tears, envious. Something cracked in my chest, like the breaking of glass. “What does it feel like?” I asked him. “To cry? I heard it feels horrible, but beautiful. Like a rainbow after a storm. Can you describe it to me? Maybe I can try to cry too.”
“What?”
“Would you like a hug? I loathe hugging. However, I am aware the act of affection offers others relief. I am willing to embrace you if it will make you feel better.”
He kicked at me. “Don’t touch me.”
“Oh, I apologise.” I put distance between us that I hoped made him more comfortable around me. “Is this your first Execution Battle tomorrow?”
