I hand her the last dish to dry and meet her gaze. “Hey, honey, would you be offended if I had an early night tonight?”
Surprise flickers through her eyes. “You don’t want me to stay?”
“It’s not that I don’t want you to,” I lie. “But, I don’t feel great. My stomach’s been off all day.”
“Oh, no. You should have said something.” She frowns, concerned. “Do you want me to make you some tea with honey?”
“No, I think I just need sleep.” I grimace. “I’m sorry, babe.”
“Don’t apologize for being sick.” She touches my cheek. “It’s not like you can help it.”
Her words make me twice as ashamed. “Still, I feel bad.”
“You shouldn’t,” she says firmly, hanging the dish towel over the sink.
“Thanks for understanding.” I smile weakly. “I’ll probably be better by tomorrow.”
“If not, you should call in sick. You need rest. That’s the best way to get well.” She gathers her purse and I walk her to the door.
I help her put her coat on and kiss her softly at the door. “I’ll call you tomorrow to let you know how I’m feeling.”
“Okay.” She goes down the steps to her car.
I watch her taillights fade, feeling guilty because I’m relieved she left. I know that’s not the way I should feel about the woman I supposedly love. I should want her near me whether sick or well. But if I’m honest, being around Kara tonight was a strain. And that’s not on her, it’s all on me. She hasn’t changed, I have.
I sit on the couch, staring into space. At one point I lie down and pull the blanket on the back of the couch over me. My plan is just to rest for a bit and then head up to bed, but I fall asleep. I jerk awake when I hear the sound of a car pulling into the driveway. My watch says it’s 11:47 p.m. and I can hear the truck engine idling out front. There’s the sound of the truck doors opening and closing. If I had any pride at all, I’d hurry upstairs.
I don’t.
Instead, I get off the couch and creep toward the window. My heart is pounding as I stop near the window, making sure I can’t be seen. From the edge of the window, I can see them in the truck’s headlights. Jude is leaning against the passenger’s side door of the truck, his hands in his jacket pockets, and Ben is standing close. They’re talking, their breath misting between them. Ben says something that makes Jude smile, and then Ben leans in.
The kiss is slow. Deliberate. Not a goodnight peck. Ben’s hand slides from Jude’s jaw to the back of his neck, pulling him closer, and Jude goes willingly. His hands come out of his pockets and settle on Ben’s chest. He leans into the kiss, tilting his head, and even from here I can see the way his body curves into Ben’s. His hips push forward, as if seeking friction.
My wolf goes nuts. A growl rips from my throat and sweat breaks out on my face. I clench my fists so hard my nails dig into my flesh, and jealousy roars through me. My vision blurs, and rage like I’ve never experienced consumes me. Every instinct I have is screaming at me to go out there, to rip Jude away from this pipsqueak wolf who has no right to touch him, to claim what’s mine.
Mine and only mine.
I groan, the pain in my voice raw as I stagger back from the window. I’m shaking, breathing hard, struggling not to go outside and hurt Ben. My body wants to shift, pure primal instinct trying to take over. I somehow suppress the screaming beast inside of me, and stumble toward the stairs.
Jude will be in any second and he can’t see me like this. Jesus, I don’t even understand what’s happening to me. I make it to my room, just as the front door opens. I close my bedroom door quietly, still fighting the urge to fight someone. All I can think about is getting my hands around Ben’s throat. He touched what is mine, and he needs to pay. That’s all I keep thinking. He’s taking what isn’t his. He should be punished.
Somehow, I control myself. I don’t move. I lean against the bedroom door, shaking, sick to my stomach, pressing my sweaty face against the wood. Even from this distance, I can smell Jude’s scent. I can hear his heartbeat and his soft breathing. I’m completely in tune to him. It’s like his heartbeat is mine. My heart races when I hear Jude coming up the stairs. I have to forcibly stop myself from opening my door and confronting him.
I wince when I smell Ben’s scent mingled with Jude’s as he passes my door. To stop from opening the door, I bite the inside of my cheek so hard I taste blood. If I go out there right now, I’ll ruin everything between Jude and me. He’ll hate me. Because what I am right now isn’t his friend Liam. I’m a mess. An aching, jealous, angry mess. I want to hurt him like I’m being hurt. I want to punish him for daring to want Ben’s kiss. No, I don’t dare open this door or I’ll shred any chance of Jude being in my life. If I see him, lips bruised from Ben’s kisses, I’ll lose my fragile control.
So I stand against that door until I know for sure Jude is in his room. Then I stand there even longer, waiting for my wolf torecede. To let go of me. It takes a long time and by the time my wolf is quiet, I’m weak and sick. I stumble to my bed, and I lie down, eyes burning with unshed tears.
Why did Jude have to come to Golden Peak? I was happy before he came here. I had my perfect little life all planned out, but now I want something else. I want someone else. I tried to fight my connection to Jude. Tried to pretend it wasn’t happening. But the aching truth is from the first night our eyes met in The Fox and The Kettle, I knew he was mine and I was his.
Question is, do I have the courage to try and make him mine? Doing that will change my entire life. Everyone will look at me differently. Some people will be accepting, but some won’t. That’s just a fact. And I’ll lose Kara. Kara who I love. Who I thought was my future wife. But now, when I’m with her, all I think about is Jude. How I’d rather be doing whatever we’re doing with Jude. I’ve betrayed her trust. I didn’t mean to, but I did.
But maybe it doesn’t matter if I have the courage to be with Jude, because he has Ben now. I saw with my own eyes the way Jude looked at Ben. He has actual feelings for him, and who’s to say he’d give Ben up for me? There’s no guarantee of that. Although he was more than willing when I kissed him that one night.
He seemed plenty willing tonight when Ben kissed him too.
That thought is like a dagger through my heart. Is it selfish of me to try for Jude? Or should I be happy for him that he found Ben? A shifter who knows what he wants? Ben knew the minute he saw Jude that he was worth fighting for, while I wrestled with my attraction for a month.
What will happen with Jude is an unknown, but what is known is that I need to break up with Kara right away. Now that I understand how I feel about Jude, she deserves the truth. I care about her way too much to lie to her any longer. She’ll be furious. Hurt. And I don’t blame her one bit. But I can’t keep lying to her and pretending I want to marry her.
