Nikolas woke, hoped he didn’t have to come back to consciousness at all, but then did and remembered it all, letting it hit him and wash him away once more with a pain he’d thought would kill him.
He’d once thought Ben dead.
This was almost worse.This was almostworse.
God help him, but this was almost worse.
He heard a faint sound and turned so quickly there was a, “Fuck.Careful,” and he was handed a mug, dripping with slopped tea.He sat up.
Ben narrowed his eyes.“Okay.I’m thinking head was right; this isn’t your usual wake up call.”
Nikolas put a hand out and stopped him moving away.“No.It is actually.I just wasn’t…” He regrouped with some visible effort.“You always bring me tea and the morning paper then go for a run.”
“Huh.You don’t come running, too?”
Nikolas gave him a winning smile.“Oh, no, never.”He’d just discovered the first advantage of your boyfriend forgetting you.
“Sorry, I didn’t see a paper.”
Nikolas didn’t intend for him to, either—he’d had them cancelled.Stills from the video would probably be appearing on the front pages.He’d cut off their subscription to Sky, too, and added passwords to all the computers in the house.He just shrugged.“It’s probably just late.Don’t worry.”He went to take a sip of tea and saw the teabag rising through the murky liquid.Ben saw the direction of his gaze, apologised, took the mug off him, fished the bag out with his fingers and handed the mug back.He began to drink his own tea, squishing the bag further down so it was out of the way.He wrinkled his nose and peered at the brown liquid.“Ugh.Sugar.That’s disgusting.Huh.”
He ripped open the packet of biscuits, and around a large mouthful confessed, “So, I was thinking, maybe if you know so much about me,” he swallowed, so he wasn’t spitting crumbs anymore, “Maybe you could tell me some stuff—not this heavy crap you don’t want me to know, but simple things, like, I don’t know, what do I like to eat now?”Nikolas was watching him, his thoughts studiously veiled.“What did I say?”
“Oh, it wasn’t what you were saying.Never mind.Like to eat?Anything.That’s what you like.Anything.Everything.”
Benhuffed.“Oh.No change there then.What else…?What do I like to do?”
Nikolas contemplated the glass ceiling for a moment then replied, “The same things I like to do.”
“That’s good then.”
Nikolas rummaged in his bedside drawer for a moment.Ben appeared intrigued and slightly worried, but Nikolas only came out with a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.Ben pursed his lips.“You smoke?”
“Oh, yes.I have for years.”
“It’s not good for you.”
Nikolas raised his eyebrows.“You’ve never objected before.In fact, I think you like me smoking.So, what do you want to do today?”
“Er…don’t you have to work?”
Nikolas was confused by this idea for a moment but then shook his head.“I thought we could perhaps go riding.”
“Horses?I don’t know how to ride.”
“Actually, you do.Now.I taught you.”
“Oh.Well, yes, then.Now?”
Nikolas scrunched his face around a long drag of his cigarette, contemplating the man in his bed.“It’s still dark.It’s…ah, five a.m.How nice.”
Ben winced and glanced at the clock, as if he didn’t believe time had betrayed him as well as memory.“Oh.Sorry.It seemed later.I’ll go…do something then.Until you’re up…”
Nikolas didn’t point out the obvious.He’d been hiding the obvious discreetly under the sheet throughout their conversation.
* * *
They rode up through the grounds together, the early morning, autumn light slanting through the ancient oaks.Nikolas wondered which of them was feeling the dislocation and confusion more.He’d put his money on it being him.Ben didn’t remember.He did.
