Nikolas felt a stab of real annoyance and began to plan all the things he’d do to Michael Heathcote when he finally tracked him down.He dumped his bag on the bed and sat.He foresaw a week of being harder than the mattress.
* * *
Both he and Ben noted the number of similar cameras to the ones in their rooms all around the old house.Corridors, meetings rooms, living areas, all seemed to be covered.They always had their fallback of a quick few words in Danish but didn’t want to resort to this just yet.Although it was obvious to anyone who heard Nikolas speak that English wasn’t his first language, this wasn’t the case with Ben.Justin might speak Danish fluently, but it was unlikely.Their covers were shaky enough without adding unnecessary suspicion.
They hadn’t brought their usual bespoke tailored suits so Nikolas imagined Ben felt as naked and vulnerable as he did when they entered the large dining hall where the orientation meeting was being held.Neither Nigel nor Justin was poor, exactly, but they could certainly not afford the thousands of pounds Nikolas regularly spent on clothes for him and Ben.Dressed in smart but inexpensive jeans and shirts, name badges neatly pinned, they took their places at the back of the seating where they could observe the other men in front of them.
Nikolas didn’t appreciate how tense Ben was until he saw him rubbing his scar, his talisman.Nikolas nudged him and frowned.
The room was filling up, men being nervously polite, offering small smiles of hello to strangers, some obviously couples, some single.It drifted across Nikolas’s mind that if he were gay, and if he were in a gay relationship, and if that relationship were in crisis, this experience alone would save it without the counselling to follow.He’d endure a minute more of this exquisite embarrassment and then stand up, tell Benjamin Rider-Mikkelsen anything he wanted to hear, make any promises he wanted him to make, and then just leave.Ben’s hand brushed his.He felt Ben tap his knuckles lightly, and smiled privately.It was uncanny sometimes how Ben could read his mind.
Finally all the seats were taken.Two men entered from a side door, carrying clipboards.The older of the two appeared to be modelling his look on the sort of actor who always played the lawyer or the priest on Saturday afternoon shows.He was in his very well preserved sixties with a shock of white hair, paternal, kindly.American, his accent immediately lent an air of credibility to the therapy process, to what was still so unfamiliar to the Englishmen present.Nikolas thought him a slick preacher, a snake-oil salesman, but that thought unfortunately took him off on a tangent, wondering what snake oil was, so he missed the rest of the welcoming address.He was shot back to earth when the younger man made everyone stand up and greet and introduce themselves to the men on either side of them.
Nikolas closed his eyes for a moment but rose and introduced himself to Martin Schofield from Burnley.He’d not had to come far then?No, very short drive.That’s good then.Yes.Nikolas was exhausted by the effort and sat back down.He’d forgotten to introduce himself to Benjamin Rider-Mikkelsen, but as he’d slowly explored Ben’s body inside and out before they’d left that morning, he reckoned he knew him well enough to be spared the formalities.
The two men were Doctors Theodore Grantley and Fergus Atwell.Fergus, much younger than his American colleague, was a handsome, flashy man who stood on the balls of his feet, as if waiting for a cue to dash somewhere and do something noble.He was the sort of man, Nikolas imagined, women would want to wake up to from an accident where someone confirmed reassuringly the doctor had arrived.He tried to see him from Nigel’s point of view—the point of view of a gay man—but was entirely unable to make the leap.Nikolas didn’t like doctors particularly and decided he wasn’t going to like Fergus.
Pieces of paper were being handed around, and Ben dutifully passed one to him.Nikolas couldn’t read it without his glasses, so he began to fold it into small squares.He’d read somewhere you could only fold paper seven times.Which was patently untrue.He’d never felt motivated before to prove his belief about this spurious assertion, but now seemed like the ideal time.
Everyone was standing up.He stood too.Chairs were being moved into a circle.Nikolas felt slumped like a great weight descending upon him.He’d never experienced anything good coming out of a circle of chairs.
Nine men left the room following the older doctor, leaving eleven remaining behind with the other therapist, which struck Nikolas as a little odd.Eleven chairs with one extra for the doctor were placed neatly in a circle and everyone took a seat.For a moment there was a quiet rumble of chatter as the men, nervous and letting off a little tension, reintroduced themselves to new neighbours.Nikolas ignored the man on his left and whispered to Ben, “What’s happening?”
“If you’d put on your glasses, you’d know.”
“Don’t try and be funny,Justin.”
“Sorry,Nigel.It’s the first session.”Ben glanced down.“What doyouwant from this course—the youisitalicised, by the way.”
Nikolas looked around with horror.“I thought we’d start tomorrow!”
Ben smirked.“I know you did.You thought Squeezy would show up and say it’s all been resolved and we’d be on our merry way tonight.”
“Fuck.Fuck.What is this session?”He dug in his shirt pocket and found his reading glasses.“That’s all it says!What are we supposed to say?”
Ben turned to him, but a hush fell around the group as Dr Atwell took his seat.He beamed at them.
“Well, here we are.”There was a wary titter of laughter from one or two of the men.Nikolas glared at them, incredulous.That wasn’t funny!Theywerehere.Unfortunately.
“We’ll be getting to know each other very well over the next week, but just to break the ice—and I know you’re feeling it; don’t try and pretend you’re not—let’s each introduce ourselves.”He stood up.Nikolas sank a little lower in his chair.“My name, as hopefully you know now, is Fergus.My colleague and I established this course almost a year ago today.It’s been running very successfully in the States for some time, and we’ve…adapted…some of the principles to suit our circumstances here.Not all of you are couples.Not all of you are necessarily gay.”
This was news to Nikolas, and he glanced around hopefully trying to spot the other men who weren’t gay.“But all of you are here seeking something currently missing in your lives.Am I right?”Yes, Squeezy being castrated.“Right, that’s me then, please…” He sat down, indicating the man next to him.Nikolas did a swift count.Shit, only six men before him.He’d never needed a cigarette more.Well, maybe once or twice.He’d lived a stressful life.But this was bad.
“My name is John.This is my…” Fergus interrupted, telling him to only introduce himself.John made a wry face, and some of the other men laughed helpfully.“Well, I’m John.I’m…at a bit of a loss now.”There was more general laughter.Emboldened, John continued, “I’m a teacher.Physics.I…err…I guess I just felt something was missing.”He sat down then stood back up quickly.“Not in physics; that’s set in laws…” A comedian.Nikolas marked him on his mental list.
Damn, five more.Mark was John’s partner, also a teacher.They worked at different schools and weren’t out.They wanted to come out, and had come on the course to get emboldened to do so.Nikolas shuddered.Four more.James was here on his own.He wasn’t gay, but he’d broken up with his girlfriend because she’d found him in bed with her brother.He wanted to understand why this had happened so he could avoid doing it again with a new girlfriend.Who also had a very cute brother.Nikolas narrowed his eyes, pondering James and his dilemma.The solution seemed easy to him, and he wouldn’t charge the guy three thousand pounds for the privilege of his wisdom.Three.Samuel had come with his boyfriend, Noah, but they weren’t speaking, so Noah had gone into the other group.He wanted to break up with Noah.He hated Noah, and that’s what he wanted to get from the course.Again, Nikolas wouldn’t have charged him for advice on that either.Two.Lincoln and Lester—?—stood up together, hand in hand.Nikolas swore he heard a snort from Ben and cheered up a little, even though his countdown had been hijacked by this sickening display of public affection.Theywereaffectionate.They were deeply in love and had come on the course in preparation for their civil ceremony.Nikolas curled his lip.He gave them a day.
He couldn’t put it off.He stood.“Hello, I’m Nigel.I’m a…I run a business in London.I’ll be fifty soon, and I want a family…children.”Was he actually sweating?Something brushed his leg.He glanced down.Ben had casually crossed his legs, and one foot had brushed against him.Ben’s head was lowered, apparently entirely unconscious of the small touch.He was absentmindedly running a finger around the artwork of his tattooed N—which, of course, marked him as belonging fictionally to Nigel but in reality to Nikolas.Nikolas stared at the familiar fingers, wanting to entwine his with them, claim that ownership.He felt all eyes on him and finished, “I’ve found the man I want to share those children with, and I hope this course convinces him that’s what he wants, too.”He sat down.
Ben stood up.“My name is Justin.I’m Nigel’s boyfriend.I didn’t want to come on this course.”He looked down, toeing the ground uncertainly.God, he’s good.Nikolas watched in awe as Ben Rider-Mikkelsen turned himself into resentful Justin.“I don’t think you need…Idon’t need…I don’t want to be tied down, you know?I feel like there’s all this pressure for us to be like other people…marriage, kids?Fuck, I don’t want kids!What’s the point of being gay?”That got some very sympathetic, guilty laughter from his audience.Ben then glanced down and caught Nikolas’s gaze.“I’ve found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, too, and I don’t want anything else but him—just as we are.”
Ben sat down.
Much to Nikolas’s glee, the final three men were also together—which explained why their group was one larger than the other: the threesome hadn’t wanted to be separated.Nikolas studied them as they introduced themselves, their names blending as seamlessly as he was picturing their bodies doing.He and Gregory had often persuaded—ordered?—an impressionable young soldier—He turned his head slowly to find Ben’s gaze upon him.Benjamin Rider-Mikkelsen was spooky sometimes.Michael had told him this.He thought about something else.Sheesh.He was being monitored in his own head now.
Finally, they were allowed a break for some afternoon tea.Nikolas noted with interest the young man who brought in the trays.The two doctors would probably tell him nothing about Michael, but if Ben’s friend had been here asking questions, the staff would remember him.Everyone remembered Michael.
This trait of being noticeable seemed to encompass him, too.And, of course, Ben.As soon as they’d poured their tea, rather than being allowed to drift silently to the sidelines out of notice, as they would have preferred, James appeared at Ben’s side.“Hi, Justin isn’t it?Has anyone ever told you that you look like that guy on the telly?The one who does those gift-aid, charity things?Ex-Special—”
