Ben tore his eyes away from his new beloved. ‘What?’
‘I don’t know why I’m doing this—circling the whirlpool. I don’t need to. I don’t think it’s anything to do with us, and I think the accident was a warning telling us that—back off.’
Ben edged closer so their arms were touching.
Aleksey wanted to fix this moment forever in his mind.
Ben took a tiny pinch of his sleeve, playing with the cashmere. ‘It’s not in your nature to leave things alone. You remember what you said about me? That you bent the universe to have me by your side?’
‘I did. And here you are.’
Ben smiled the smile he reserved just for him. ‘Sometimes the world needs realigning for other people too. Did you hear what you just said?Youdon’t need this. For the first time you might be going into battle when there’s nothing for you in it at all. I hardly know who you are sometimes these days.’ He spread his fingers on Aleksey’s sleeve. ‘But I love you more and more every single day. Now come inside. I’m absolutely starving.’
He didn’t need the music to be playing. Melancholy chords were in his head, as if somehow the sound had made tracks on his memory that the needles of time would forever play. As they neared St Mary’s, he found himself humming it, and felt Jenna at his side on the wooden seat, urging him to continue.
10 April
Not Spring! Gosh, we had the most terrific April storm here all week. I thought about William and Wickie and Lights and little Oily. What must it be like to be in that tower on the cliffs in such weather! We had three trees down and it rained and rained and rained. Cook says April comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. She’s always saying things like that. Red sky in the morning, sailors’ warning; red sky at night, sailors’ delight. I like that one. Mrs D and cook are talking about me, Lily says. They’ve noticed. I feel like one of those trees in the storm. All I can do is stick it out or be blown over. I’ve got nowhere to go if they sack me. I wonder if I could live with William in the lighthouse. I could cook and clean for them all and I’d be no bother. When I walked over today, William had dislocated his little finger trying to close a window in the storm, and I set it straight for him and strapped his hand up. The other sillies all went pale, but I didn’t mind at all. I felt just like mum when she looked after dad. It’s tough being a fisherman. Mum used to say they get beaten up by the sea. I think it was the first time William had ever had someone looking after him like that. He was ever so brave.
Fishermen get beaten up by the sea. It seemed to Aleksey that he had heard that phrase only recently, but could not recall where.
I’m playing Stranger on the Shore. It drives Lily mad, but she’s being very nice to me. She cries a lot too now. She’s said she’ll never let a boy touch her until she’s in white and walking down the aisle and I said better wait until after the service, and we were laughing so loud after this Mrs D came up and scolded us and told us to turn the light out.
Wickie, Lights, and little Oily.Oily Penrose. No, Aleksey did not believe in coincidences.
Ben came and sat down alongside him. Aleksey knew Ben had been taking photos of him. Ben sometimes snapped shots of the strangest things, not him in his heroic times—saving the world, as Ben laughingly put it—but when he was just reading or sitting at the bow of a ferry heading into a storm that might see more than just trees felled. He was not indestructible, and he felt this keenly as he reached across and rested his fingertips on Ben’s thigh. Ben put a hand on the pommel of the sword which was wrapped in his duffle bag and began to ease it around the curved metal. It was not an erotic touch, but seemed more the gesture of a warrior making ready.
2 July
I have to go. I think Mrs D is actually sad and she said she’d try to help me find a new place, but it’s just words to make herself feel better. I said thank you anyway. What’s the point of being angry? No one pinned me down and made me, did they? I thought I was in love and that love would be enough. I’ve given up trying to hide it. The four of us move around Guillemot as if we’re underwater and our ears are blocked up. I need to leave with Boatman by the end of the month at the latest. Cook said if I got really stuck I could go and see her brother. I could throw myself over the hedge at the Prime Minister and cry save me! That was me not her. Cook doesn’t find things funny. Lily said we should run away together and buy a little cottage and she could be honourary aunty. I didn’t have the heart to remind her I didn’t need to run away.
I will miss William the most. He says he’ll see me when he does his rotation, but I don’t think I’ll let him. People will talk. William wouldn’t care and he’d bluff it out, but it’s not his problem, is it? I think we make our own destinies in life and I’ve made mine. I’ll make something of this.
An arm slid behind his back along the rail, and then as they were the only ones braving the cold, Ben lifted his hand and began to play gently with his hair. He pressed close. Aleksey squeezed his thigh and marvelled once more at the strength of the muscle beneath his palm.
18 July
I spent all day crying. We had the newspaper today. It’s a boy. She was safely delivered of a prince. Isn’t that a silly way to say it? Was he a prince when he was inside or did he become a prince inch by inch as he emerged? The whole paper was full of it, but it was all speculation and nothing else. Mrs D said she heard from her sister that Her Majesty had a terrible time of it. There are no pictures because she’s very poorly. Cook thinks the whole business is a shame, but I notice she couldn’t catch my eye as she said it. There’s shame and then there’s shame.
Ben began to trace the scar on his face, running his fingertip around the notch in his ear and then down the smooth white track to his lips and back again. It tickled, but Aleksey wouldn’t have stopped him for the world.
21 July
Mrs D has her sister here for a little holiday. She’s come for a couple of days because of the difficult time they’ve all had up at the palace. I’m not allowed to be seen, obviously, because they’d probably sack Mrs D and Cook and Lily! I’ve polluted Guillemot House with my wickedness. It doesn’t feel like that to me now. It’s strange, but I feel quite at home here just as I’m about to leave. I run my hands along the old wooden staircase as I struggle up and down, and I think the house knows my baby already. There, I’ve said it for the first time. My baby. I’m now his house, aren’t I? I told William I’ve finally worked out what he meant about being entire in yourself so you can never be homesick, and he just smiled at me. Me and Baby. We’re going to be a team. Although I’m not allowed downstairs, Lily is my spy. Mrs D’s sister, Nanny One (these people are very strange, I’ve been here nine months and I still don’t know cook’s name. I think I’ll ask her before I go), said to Lily that the queen is still in bed and the baby stays with her. Lily said where else would the baby be? Mrs D had to explain that royal personages (I wish I could do her voice she’s so funny with her big posh words) don’t feed their own babies, so the baby actually staying in bed with her is shocking everyone.
Ghosts and swirls, whirlpools and storms, around and around like he was on a merry-go-round in hell. Nanny One. He showed Ben the screen. ‘I think we must return to Benhar tomorrow.’
Ben read the name and even without the context he looked anxious. ‘That’s weird. Maybe the police know more by now. It was probably just a burglary gone wrong.’
22 July
Mrs D is furious with Walter. She and Nanny One went down to the garden and apparently Walter said he was picking strawberries for me—because they were good for the baby. So I’m leaving tomorrow. I think I’ll take the strawberries with me. I felt him move this morning while I was packing. Does he know we’re leaving Guillemot and La Luz and the red squirrels and the early morning birdsong and Walter and Sam and William and Lights and Wickie and little Oily and Lily? Maybe it’s Guillemot’s pull on him, trying to keep him here. I would like to stay here forever. I want Guillemot to be mine and to have a husband who walks arm in arm around the tennis court with me, and wraps me in his duffle coat and bends to help me up a step when it’s just a patio step that isn’t hard to mount at all. I think that’s love, not talk of America and, go on Jenna, let me do it, I’ll be careful. No, love is three spoonfuls of sugar and a little bowl of strawberries. I won’t cry on the boat. I suppose if I do, Boatman will think it’s just the wind. I was crying when he brought me here and I’ll be crying when I leave. I think I won’t have any tears left for the rest of my life.
Ben put his chin down on Aleksey’s shoulder. ‘You changed the future, baby, you can’t undo the past as well. Whoever she was, she isn’t your responsibility. We’ll get Harry and the dog safely away. All will be well. Come on, put it away. We’re nearly there.’
Aleksey coughed. ‘I will. She’s almost done. Her story is almost over.’
23 July
