His eyes widened, and he was silent for a long time, thinking back, I assumed, over everything we had said and done that day. Finally he ventured, “I think we have been talking at cross-purposes.” Then he flared into anger, just as quick a mood change as I remember from Hesse-Davia. “You thought I would leave you?” He punched my arm, then did it again, harder. “You thought I betrayed you! You don’t trust me! My God, you don’t trust me!” Then his face crumpled, and he stood abruptly and gathered up the horses’ reins.
Suddenly he came back and aimed a kick at me, which I thought was a little unfair, as I was injured and not as quick as I usually was to dodge his fury. I winced as his boot caught my unprotected thigh but snagged his ankle and twisted him to the ground, then lay over him, one sure way that, being much heavier than he, I could keep him trapped. “You agreed you’d lied to me, Aleksey! This is not all in my mind!”
“Oh, whore’s breath, Nikolai. Get off me! I lied about the party we are putting together to go to the falls.Get off me!I havealreadyagreed we wouldbothjoin them—but I am not going anywhere with you now, because I do not like you.Get off me!” I rolled to one side but kept hold of his arm, despite his very real desire to be away from me. I couldn’t entirely blame him for wanting this.
“You have volunteered us for this rescue party. That is it? That is what has made you guilty and silent and to get out your jewels and play with them.” I frowned. “That sounded more wanton than I intended.”
He chuckled, and I felt his whole body relax. “They will probably be there when we get back. I said they could pick us up on the way. I am glad you thought I was leaving you, because now I do not feel guilty at all. I cannot believe you thought that—when I told you only last night—actually I am not going to repeat that, for you do not deserve to hear it ever again.”
I pulled him a little closer and whispered, “I know.” Then I added in an even lower tone, “But Ineedto hear it once more.”
He snorted and shifted away. I bit my lip, then clenched my jaw. “You tell me I am stupid, Aleksey, because it amuses you, but I think you are right. I am such a dullard that one telling of this wonder is not enough. How could anyone love me? That you do is—no one has ever—” My voice became unsteady, and I could not proceed. Aleksey apparently did not need me to. He returned to my side. I do not do contrite very often with him, so when I do, it tends to undermine his anger—justified or not—exceedingly quickly. He laid his hand upon my thigh, then swore, leaned over, and kissed my cheek.
I swallowed. “Would saying I’m sorry—” I could not continue, for warm, smiling lips pressed to mine. I’m only surprised Aleksey recognized my words as apology, so rarely did he hear such from me.
Apparently Aleksey was well able to interpret other emotions I habitually kept from him as well. At a small shudder from me he pulled his mouth off, then cried, “Niko. Don’t…please.” His own eyes welled with tears at seeing streaks in the blood upon my cheeks. “Oh, don’t. I forgive you. There? Is that what you want to hear? You were entirely justified in thinking I was betraying you. Death is exactly what I deserved.” He paused here for a moment, seemingly deep in thought. “Wait, did you threaten to… you did!Slowdeath?”
Before I could defend myself from this latest accusation (which would have been difficult, as in my extremity I may have mentioned such a fate) or comment on this suspiciously swift change to his forgiving mood, he added thoughtfully, “No, you are quite right. Nothing less would suffice. It’s almost noble to think on.”
Oh God. “You sound as if you would like to put me to the test! I do not think your idea of a slow death would coincide with mine! I’m not talking about lingering on a comfy pillow, Aleksey.”
“Well, we could do it in the high Roman fashion. I knew there must be a good reason I had to sit through all those hours and hours of tedious lessons as a boy. You, of course, won’t know what I am talking about, because you are little more than a savage who can barely read and write, and most certainly has never read Shakespeare.”
“I beg your pardon, I—”
“Do not even mention being a doctor! The only examinations you carry out these days are illegal.”
“You seem to enjoy them well enough.”
He had the audacity to smirk at this, but just as quickly his mood swung once more. “I allow you to do such things, butstillyou do not see that for what it is.” I then confess I let him take similar liberties with me. He was owed this final surge of anger, and I needed physical demonstration of my genuine contrition. I let him turn me forcibly and was meek as he lowered my breeches. I let him part me with his hands and enter me without preparation. I let him smack me until my flesh below was as painful as that upon my head, and I made no murmur of complaint except the ones he wanted to hear about how big he was and how much it hurt to be thus thrust into when not ready (which was true, so I was not entirely lying for effect).
When he was done, I think he was the first to wonder about the bears. But once articulated, the realization that we had lain so unmindful only a few feet away from such a large gathering made us dress quickly and mount our restless horses. Xavier was quite flighty and difficult on the way back, blaming me for making him kick me, I suspect. My horse and my lover often expressed guilt in the same way.
We continued our very pleasant discussion on the way home, going over once more who had said what and why and what he had really been thinking. We had made something of a specialty of these posthurt examinations, and both enjoyed them immensely. It did occur to me briefly that this level of enjoyment encouraged initial misunderstanding, but then I remembered the moment when he had confirmed to me that he had lied, and knew I would not wish another such moment upon my poor senses if I could help it.
It was during this very pleasant ride home that he told me what he had actually lied about, and I finally understood him. Not only had he volunteered us both for a rescue party to the doomed colony and fort, he had told the other members of the group to meet us at the cabin this very day. After digesting this news, I asked cautiously, “What have you told them about us, Aleksey? How have you… explained us?”
“Well, yes, that was… I was going to tell them we were brothers, but then… that would be ridiculous, as we look so different. I was tempted to tell them the truth and dare them—oh don’t look like that. I did not, of course. No one would believe me anyway—that was uncalled for. So, anyway, I might have let slip once something about being at court, and this was seized upon, of course, so I might have given the impression that I was a nobleman, and they then naturally assumed I was from one of the exiled—”
“Aleksey….”
“I told them I was a displaced noblemen and that you were my doctor.” He twisted Boudica’s mane, frowning. “Which is true, in a way. If you think about it. Oh, do stop looking at me like that! I had to tell them something—admit you exist. I could not say I lived out here all on my own, could I? Why would I do that, when I could have a very comfortable house in the new town?”
“Our cabin is not comfortable enough for you, Your Majesty?”
“I’m not going to dignify that by responding to it.”
“You just did.”
He shut me up by leaning over and kissing me, which was not easy to do on horseback.
Of course, I had no intention of accompanying anyone to a remote (and apparently now empty) colony or fort, and I wasn’t going to let Aleksey go on his own with a pile of soldiers, obviously, so I wasn’t especially worried about having to then listen to his enthusiasm over the whole plan: who was in the rescue party, what provisions they were to take, which colonist families were joining in, and other such things. I interrupted as gently as I could. “Who is going to care for the horses if we join such a force? We have foals, mares in foal. We cannot just up and leave them.”
“Of course not. Give me some credit, Nikolai. I have owned more fine horses in my life than you, I’d wager. This is the brilliance of my plan—there is a captain in Major Parkinson’s company who cannot ride at the moment as he hurt his back when we were—anyway, he has volunteered—well, I asked him, and he agreed—to come and live here while we are away. He is an excellent chap, and I know you will like him. Or at least tolerate him.”
“You have it all organized, do you not?”
“I have not decided what is best for Faelan. What do you think? Should he come with us? Will he be up to it?”
