“I know it does.” Cautiously, I went closer and took his arm. Very gently, I eased him into a hug. “I know it does, but if you cover up that pain with such sweet escape, you will risk doing more damage because you cannot feel it. The pain is your body telling you to love it a little more.”
I felt his good arm slide around my back. He pressed his hips further against mine and whispered into my neck, “Give it to me, Niko.Please. Just tonight and I’ll never ask again, Ipromise. Just tonight.”
I began to shake my head, but he pressed his lips clumsily against my cheek. “Please. I will love my body andyouif you give it to me.” His hand had found its way under my shirt to the warm skin at the base of my spine.
“Don’t do this, Aleksey. It’s beneath you.” I shivered as his hand began to slide downward. “Stop it!”
He stood back, his face flushed with thwarted will. “Howdareyou! You were only too glad to kiss me when it suited you!”
“Aleksey—”
“It’s His Royal Highness Prince Christian, Doctor—orGeneral.” His voice had become icy. “Only myfriendscall me Aleksey.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “And this is supposed to persuade me that the laudanum has not done you any harm?”
He poked my chest. “I don’t care what you think, Doctor.” He went back to his cot and tried to get his boots on unaided. He could not.
“Do you want my help?” He was clearly torn but nodded stiffly. I helped him dress, keeping my eyes locked with his, trying to embarrass him into better behavior, but he was having none of it. He walked out unsteadily and headed toward the mess tent. He was probably going to get drunk. I sighed; tomorrow he would feel awful everywhere.
INEVERfound out whether Aleksey drowned his sorrows in wine; I did not see him again for many days or nights. He took himself off to another tent. He did not ride with me, and he did not eat with the officers or hold his daily orders. It was as if he left my tent and disappeared from this earthly realm. I was in the right, but that hardly made me feel any better. Not only was I concerned for our progress to war—after all, we were less than a fortnight from our destination—but I missed him bitterly. He was my only real friend on the march, the one I looked for, the one I waited for. He was the one I longed for with an ache that never went away. I would have thought it easier to survive my unrequited love away from him, without seeing him all the time so close and yet so beyond my reach, but it was not. I have heard of rare cases where men have learned to control their use of laudanum, using it every day in tiny amounts rather than not use it at all. Aleksey was my laudanum. I needed him in tiny amounts to get through the pain of needing him completely. Without my little daily dose, I began to think about the pain relief I could give myself. I had hidden the drug from Aleksey, but… I knew where it was…. Just a few drops and I could sleep. A few drops more and I could ride without my eyes tearing as they searched for the slim, dark-haired figure I could not see.
I was contemplating this solution one evening as we rode the last hour before coming to camp, when I sensed someone rein in alongside me. I knew who it was, of course. I ignored him. It was the only way I could appear in control of myself. I kicked Xavier lightly, so I was ahead. He pulled alongside once more. “You are not a very caring doctor, Doctor. You have not asked how I am.”
“How are you?”
“Much better. Thank you for asking. How are you?”
“I was not sick.”
“How are you in general, then? I am making polite conversation until you unclench your jaw and talk to me again.”
He would have a long wait.
He watched my expression. “No? Well then. It has been rather cold recently, has it not? It was frosty yesterday and then, goodness, frosty again today. I believe we will have snow soon. Is snow not the very devil when you—”
“Stop it. You are not funny.”
“That must be why you are not smiling.”
“Leave me alone,Your Highness.”
He stayed by my side, though, riding silently, occasionally casting me glances, mostly looking down at his horse and idly twisting little curls into her mane. “I don’t really see why I should apologize, Niko. I was sick, and I did not know what I was saying. But if it is what you want to hear, then I’m sorry.”
I twisted in my saddle so I could make my point more forcibly. “I am not angry about your foolishness over the laudanum. I have had patients offer mefarmore tempting things than you to have a few drops more. I am angry because you did not consider that as yourdoctorI would be worried at not seeing you for nearly five days!”
“Four.”
“Five. I have been counting.”
He was silent at this and then sighed theatrically, as was his way. I saw whom Stephen took after; they were cut from the same cloth. “I have been riding in a wagon. There, are you satisfied? I have been entirely unmanned, but I was not going to let anyone see me so. I requisitioned a wagon and have been towed along like an old wounded soldier. Are you happy?”
“Why should it make me happy that you did this but did not think to tell me! I could have—”
“Oh, what? Come and laid your hands on me again? Damn, you, Niko. You are so… stupid!” He kicked his horse and took off up the line toward the camp.
That night he held his first orders group since he had taken himself off to recover. Everyone was very glad to see him. He stilled the general chitchat quickly and listened to the updates. He even asked me politely for mine, as he had not had the benefit of our usual conversations.
I waited for him to return to our tent, rehearsing things I might say, one minute planning an apology and the next angry words to vent my feelings. I heard footsteps, stood, stared at the tent flap, and Colonel Johan pushed in. “What clothes do you have, Doctor, other than your uniform?”
