When he lays it all outthere for me it fucking guts me all over again.But my brewing ragesubsides, because as painful as it is to listen to, I'm glad he'snot sugarcoating it.I'm glad he's telling me exactly how it allwent down.Because Rory's told me her side, but there are points ofview she doesn't understand.After all, she doesn't always seeherself clearly.But I do.And I think maybe this Chip characterdoes as well, and I soften marginally toward him.
"But we didn't know thatat the time.Honestly?At first they seemed real happy together.Forbes seemed to treat her like a princess.And Cam, Cam loved her.He wasn't selfish.And he wasn't going to fuck with herrelationship if she was happy.
"It was difficult towatch, man, to be honest.Especially because he wouldn't talk aboutit, and he's kind of like you—not the kind of guy you want topush," he says.
That earns him the vaguestof half-smiles, but it's impressive nonetheless.
"And look, as soon as thatended, Cam was gone, so… I don't know what would have happened, andI suppose most of this conflict you're obviously dealin' with overit is because she doesn't either.But I know Rory Pine, and youcan't let her go on feelin' guilty over a future that won't happen.Because you would've been somewhere else, maybewithsomeone else, if that alldidn't go down and she didn't move here to meet you, either.Sheain't gonna get mad at you for a future you won't have, and sheshould know you won't either."
He trails off, taking adeep, settling breath.I'm not surprised he picked up on myinsecurities, but I wonder how he knows about Rory's guilt.I knewshe blamed herself for Cam's death, but I only suspected she's beenhaving a hard time reconciling it—and the complicated way they leftthings—withourrelationship.
Either way, I don't bothertelling him that if I never met Rory I may very well be fuckingsomeone else, but I wouldn't bewithsomeone else.Thereneverwasanyonefor me before Rory.Most of me wants to tell him to mind his owngoddamned business, but then, I'm the one who brought it up.Andthe truth is he's vaguely amusing to me.He's gotten himself workedup.All protective over Rory.He doesn't want me to let hercontinue to feel guilty.But I want to laugh at him.
Silly idiot, if I knew howto erase all of her undeserved guilt, the right words to say tomake her see sense, I would have done it long ago.Still, I staysilent, waiting for him to continue, if he willcontinue.
Finally he sighs."I knowhe was in love with her.I know she loved him, but… I don't thinkshe wasinlovewith him.I think when it's like that for you, you know it.But shedidn't even realize what Cam was harborin' for her, until maybe atthe very end, though I ain't even sure about that.And it wasn'texactly the town's best-kept secret, if you get my drift.And Ithink if she felt like that for him, then she would've noticed.Itwould've been on her radar.No one knew her better than Camdid.If she was in love with him, he'd have known it, and he wouldadone somethin' about it," he says.
I like his logic, butthen, I have reason to like it.I want to believe in it.
But there's still thatmissing piece.The one I can't make sense of."What aboutthat—I mean,Forbes?She says shehates him…" I don't tell him my concerns, I just lead him in andwait to see his response.
His eyebrows raise insurprise."I would say that's probably anunderstatement."
"You don't think there'sanything lingering there?"I ask when he doesn't give me anythingmore than the obvious.
He turns and glares at me,and again I wish he would keep a better eye on the damn road.Buthis glare seems to ask me if I'm out of my mind.Maybe I am.But…
"She had his tee shirtnext to her bed.It doesn't make sense," I tell him finally, hopinghe'll be able to offer some unfathomable explanation for why Rorywould have the keepsake of someone she despises, someone who abusedher horribly, next to her goddamn bed.
"How do you know it washis?"Chip asks.
"It was his football tee.Number twenty two."God knows I'll never forget that.
Chip lets out a shortlaugh and shakes his head, muttering something to himself I can'tmake out, though I'm sure it's safe to assume it's at my expense."That ain't Forbes's," he says simply.
He's finally looking atthe road while I stare at the side of his face, waiting for anelaboration.He takes his fucking time.
"Forbes was number twelve.Twenty two was Cam."
It's such an obviousexplanation that it slaps me in the face.But it doesn't make mefeel any better.In fact, it all but undoes the vague relief hisearlier logic provided.Of course, Cam was her best friend, so Ihave no right to be jealous that she held on to something of his.Ijust wish it wasn't kept so intimately next to her bed.Or that hewas a chick.
"She would have been happywith him," I murmur, almost to myself.It's not a question, butthen, it also is.
Chip chews on his lip."IfCam had just told her, things would have turned out differently.But I think he was afraid to mess with what they had.And I get it,it was special.Who wouldn't want to have something like that?Butif he had just manned the fuck up years ago...they could have beenhappy," he confirms.
I don't know why itmatters.He's gone.She's mine.She loves me.
"Sure, I suppose you andher never would've happened.But she also never would've startedseein' Forbes.Cam wouldn't have been driving out that mornin'…everything would've been just different, like I said," Chip saysall this like it's not ripping me the fuck apart to hearit.
I glare at him, hating theknowledge that Rory could have been happy with another man, thatshe could have loved him more than she does me.Maybe she justnever had the chance.I can't help but wonder if I'm theconsolation prize, and if maybe she would have been better off withhim.
"They were supposed to betogether."
Okay, now he's just beinga dick."Fuck you," I tell him.
He shakes his head, butthere's no jest to him.If anything, he's the most serious I'veseen him."No.You miss my point.They were supposed to betogether.It was the will of the universe—fate, God, whatever youbelieve in.And them not getting together, it fucked everything up.It made Rory vulnerable to that piece 'a shit Forbes, it put Cam inthat car…"
I rake my fingers throughmy hair and grit my teeth.
