"She had this tell, youknow.Hasthistell.She can't lie for shit.Bites her lip every time.When Iasked her about the vase, she chewed it red.I knew right away shewas lyin'.That she and Cam broke the vase, probably playin' ballin the house.Even as a teenager she bit her lip any time she somuch as stretched the truth or left somethin' out.Amy and me, wealways knew when somethin' was up with her because of it… Until Istopped payin' attention…
"But, you know, Bobby,that wasn't the only reason I knew she lied.She wasn't just bad atit, she couldn't stand doin' it.That stupid lie about the vase—anhour later she came to me sobbin', her eyes rainin' harder than therainstorm, confessing that she did it.That she talked Cam intopracticing inside, and she knocked it over goin' for a catch."
His voice has grownstrangely self-recriminatory, and I wonder.I wonder if it could bepossible that he's finally coming to his senses.And from the lookonthat motherfucking bastard'sfather's face, he's wondering the samething.
"Rory ain't a good liar,Bobby.Rory ain't a liar at all," he says pointedly.
Forbes expression morphsfrom nervous to indignant."What exactly are you sayin',Marty?"
"I think you know exactlywhat I'm sayin'.I—shit."And then without another word, Rory's father turns andwalks away, heading into the stairwell and disappearing insideit.
I back away, not wantingto be noticed, but I'm hoping.I'm hoping that what I just saw,what I just overheard, is exactly what it appeared to be.I'm notsure how it can help Rory's case, but the idea of Rory winning thissmall piece of vindication, it gives me just that—hope.
I won't tell her.I'm notsure what good it could do.But if Rory's father, one ofthat motherfucking bastard'sbiggest supporters, was convinced by her testimony, thenmaybe the judge was too.
But I'm not leaving it upto chance.My father explained the best way to ensure the case,including this hearing, goes our way, and I plan on seeing toit.
Like I've said before, Ikeep my promises.Especially to my girl.
Chapter Eighteen
Samand I meet Chip in the hotelrestaurant for dinner around seven.We spent the last hour sittingon Sam's hotel room balcony just decompressing from the day.Samhad a lot of questions about Chip even though I'd told him a bitabout him before.Eventually he seemed satisfied that Chip’s and myfriendship was more like brother and sister than anything else,complete with a healthy sibling-like rivalry.
He also wanted to heardetails of how Chip reacted to what went down in Linton after Cam'sdeath.Like he wanted assurances of his loyalty.He was satisfiedto hear that Chip essentially bullied me into making my statementagainst Robin.That if it weren't for him, I may have never done itat all.
Chip looks more likehimself at dinner in faded jeans and a golf shirt, which is stillpretty dressed up for him.When Sam excuses himself afterappetizers, murmuring something about letting Chip and me catch up,I realize that through all his earlier questioning he was lookingfor reassurances about leaving me alone with him.I don't know hisreal reason for excusing himself.Not for certain.Because Chip andI could just as soon catch up with Sam here, and Iwanthim here, but Isuspect he needs some alone time after a long day of testimony, andI don't want to make him feel guilty for it.So I saynothing.
I let spending time withChip distract me.It turns out he's going to college in New York aswell—the John Jay College of Criminal Justice—and with theknowledge that I really may get my friend back, we relax and justenjoy each other's company.We both pretend like it's the onlyreason we're here, in this restaurant in this hotel in Miami.Weignore the real reason.
We talk about memories.Wetalk about Cam.It feels good to talk about him with someone whowas there, someone who remembers.Someone who loves Cam as much asI do.We don't discuss his death, we only discuss his life, and wedo something I never thought I'd do again while thinking aboutCam—we laugh.
But there are things I'mnot ready to talk about.That I'll probably never be ready to talkabout.Mostly because there is nothing to say.No answers.Becausewhen Chip suddenly gets serious, an uncharacteristic look for him,and tells me how much Cam loved me, I have a striking suspicion hemeans more than the obvious.It's only a moment later that heconfirms my suspicion.
"Did he ever tell you,Rory?"Chip's voice is soft and hesitant, and he seems oddlyinvested in the answer.
I can't meet his eyes, soI train them on my raspberry sorbet instead.
Chip sighs."Well I guesshe must've.Or you wouldn't even know what I was talkin' about,would you?"he says more to himself than to me.
It's minutes before Ispeak again, and in those minutes I'm desperately conflicted, as Ialways am when I think about that night, about our kiss.But evenmore so when I try to guess what would have happened if he hadn'tvanished from my world—fromtheworld—the very next morning.
Sometimes I play out analternate life.One where my plans weren't thwarted by my ownnaivety.Where Cam never read Robin's texts, where I woke up beforehim and had Robin arrested before Cam could try to confront him.Would we have ended up together?I don't see how we wouldn'thave.
I loved Cam, I know that.But it wasn't what I feel for Sam.It wasn'tless than, but it was different.Butknowing how deeply in love I am with Sam doesn't change the factthat if Cam lived, I would be his.And I could have been happy.Imay never have known the all-consuming passion, the borderlineobsession and desperation for another person that I donow.
But that's just it, isn'tit?I never would have known.Do you miss something you don't knowexists?Particularly when you have a different, safer kind of love?A life-long companionship that means the world to you?I don't knowthe answer, and that's the problem.I'llneverknow the answer.
But I can't seem to stopasking myself the question.
"I love Sam," I sayfinally.It's the wrong thing to say, but then, anything I sayright now is the wrong thing.There is no right thing when there'sno right answer.
"I can see that," Chipmurmurs, not even the smallest ounce of judgment coloring hiswords.It helps me meet his eyes again.
"But I did love Cam," Itell him.He knows that of course."It could have been more.Itmight have already."My eyes well up, but I don't let a single tearfall."What if in some alternate universe, I'm with Cam?Or atleast, I'm supposed to be…"
I feel like I'm betrayingSam somehow.Like I do when I go through my Cam box.I know itisn't based in logic.Or maybe that's exactly what it is.If P thenQ.If I hadn't lost Cam, I'd never have met Sam.I'd undo Cam'sdeath in a microsecond…
"Rory—"
