"I never thought I'd havethis," I breathe."I didn't even know it existed.It's not what Ifelt for Cam," I admit.
Chip looks at me with sad,compassionate, infinitely familiar brown eyes.He's aged more thanthe year we've been apart.Tragically losing your best friend willdo that to you.
"But I'd give it up tobring him back.Not to be with him.Just… for him to bealive."
It's my darkestconfession.
Guilt.It isn't rational,but it's there, consuming me every time I let myself reallyconsider the reality of my life.Of the seemingly small choices,the oversights that change everything, forever.
"Of course you would, Rorygirl.That doesn't mean you don't love your man," Chip sayssoothingly.
I shrug.I know it doesn'tmean I don't love him.Because I do love him—I love him more thanwords can adequately explain.But it does mean I probably don'tdeserve him.
"He tell you?Sam, I mean.That he loves you?'Cause he does," Chip saysconfidently.
I chew the inside of mycheek.Sam hasn't said those words since the last time we were herein Miami.
Chip narrows his eyes."Heshould tell you," he says, again, almost to himself.Something inhis tone, in his mannerisms is different.It's almost as if he'staken over Cam's protective streak for him.Like he fancies himselfmy big brother, even though I'm two months older than heis.
It's both refreshing andoverwhelming having Chip here to talk to.But this particular dayhas been far too emotionally draining, and I change the subjectbefore it gets to be too much for me.
"So what about you, Chip?You datin' anyone?"I always thought he and Emmers would gettogether.She certainly hoped so.
Chip shakes his head."Notanymore.I was seein' this girl Tully Winters.You rememberher?"
"That Bill Winter'sdaughter?"I ask."Isn't she kinda young?"
Chip smirks."Old enough.She was a sophomore this year."
"Didn't workout?"
Chip shrugs."I'm gonna bein New York in a couple months.She wanted a commitment.Wasn'treally up for all that."
"I thought you'd end upwith Emmers," I admit.
For the second timetonight Chips features set into a strangely seriousexpression.
"What?"I ask.
Chip shakes his headincredulously."Really, Rory girl?After what those bitches pulledwith you?You think I was just gonna pretendwhat?All is forgiven just becauseyou left town?"
I blink at him.
"We don't speak to them.We got your back.Whether you're there or not."
I try not to show mysurprise but I'm sure I fail."We?"
"Uh...Nick, Perry…" he says our childhoodfriends' names like he can't believe I didn't know who he'd meant.He shakes his head again, but this time it's reproachful."Did youreally think we wouldn't have your back?"He doesn't bother hidinghis offense.
And he's right.I shrug."Iguess… I guess I was so desperate to escape that I didn't reallythink at all.And then, I just figured life went on without me,like before."
I wince at my own words.Of course nothing was like before, not without Cam.
"I didn't mean—I mean Iknow everything changed, once Cam died."It still feels like aknife to my chest every time I vocalize it.Cam.Dead.Words that should neverhave gone together, but are now inseverable.
Chip's brow furrows likehe's trying to work something out, and then lands back onincredulity as he shakes his head again."Yeah, Rory.Once Camdied, and then we lost our other best friend, too, remember?We hadthe rug pulled out from under us—findin' out what he'd been doin'to you.You have any idea what it was like for me that day in thehospital?When you unzipped your hoodie…" He takes a deep breath,his features set as if he's in actual physical pain.
"And then… Look, I get youwere going through serious shit.I get that it wasn't about me, butlike, we've been friends since we were little, and then suddenlyyou couldn't even be in the same room with me withouthyperventilatin'.Like you werescaredof me.We both just lost Camand—" He swallows his pain and I'm flooded with guilt.
