Finally I let go, and hegasps frantically, groaning in pain.
"Cap," Tucker's says againwith renewed urgency.But I hear it too—the faint sound of distantsirens, slowly growing louder.
"Cap!"I hear Dave shoutfrom the alley, and I stand up, leaving a somewhat conscious,bloody heap on the hard ground.
I bend down, lightlysmacking at his cheeks again, telling him to wake up, that his rideis here.He'll be lucky if he can walk, but he came at Rory first,and then me—it was self defense, which I whisper to Tucker indetail while we stand guard waiting for the cops to come and arrestRory's attacker.Once Tucker's got the story down, he takes twowell aimed swings at me—one at my jaw, the second to my left cheek.I thank him.
The piece of shit on theground is barely aware of himself, let alone what Tuck and I are upto.He groans and whimpers like a fucking bitch.
He can dish it out, to afucking innocent girl, but he can't fucking take it.
I lean over and spit inhis face.
It's only a couple ofminutes later that the police are there, helping Rory's attackerstand up, and he staggers to the ambulance, held upright by twoofficers.Really, he should be on a stretcher, but he reeks ofbourbon, and I think they probably think that's what's accountingfor his half conscious state.Of course it helps that I hinted asmuch to the female detective.
By the time we emerge fromthe alley and that motherfucking bastard is read his rights andtaken away in an ambulance, Rory is already talking to anotherdetective and being examined by forensics and treated for herscratches and bruises.I look on, in no small amount of anguish, asan EMT uses tweezers to remove small bits of debris from the scrapeon her left cheek.She barely winces at all, and when she almostdoes, she bites her lip and swallows her pain right backdown.
She's the toughest girlI've ever known.She's only even being treated in an ambulancebecause she insisted she did not need a hospital.Adamantly.
Tuck gives his statementto the male detective first while I half listen to him, mostlywatching Rory.
This whole night was myfault.I am such a fucking idiot.I saw him with his hands all overher.I saw her, standing there, but I convinced myself that she wasletting it happen because she wanted it.Because she wanted someoneother than me.Because I pushed her about her friend Cam and shewas rethinking thesomethingmore.That her deer-in-headlightsexpression was for getting caught by me, not the utter terror I nowknow it was.
I don't understand myself.I fuckingknowRory, and mad at me or not, I know there was no way she wasjust going to be in some random guy's arms, let some stranger draghis mouth all over her neck.I physically cringe at the memory.Mystomach rolls and my heart is pressed with a painful pressure—aweight—and it's a sensation I've never felt before.
I'm overcome with a tidalwave of guilt for my role in her suffering tonight, her fear… Ifthere was anything I could do to undo it, to take it back, I would.I need to apologize to her.For being a dick earlier about herfriend, for not helping her right away with that motherfuckingbastard.For my blame in her getting hurt… violated.
Fuck, when I think of whatcould have happened if I hadn't heard her scream my name.If Ihadn't found them…
I try to suck in air, butmy lungs won't work.I'm almost sure my heart has stoppedbeating.
I stare at Rory in wonder,overcome with that soft whispering of a truth that first struck melast night and has been growing louder all day.One I'm prettyfucking sure quite a few other people have noticed too.It's thattruth that slid between our mouths when she kissed me last night,that charged between us when we talked this morning.The one thatknocked me on my ass this afternoon.That drove me to check out herpast on social media like a fucking obsessed chick woulddo.
The one that rocked mewith an unfamiliar combination of deep sadness and dread at thethought that I could have fucked things up for good.Fucked upbeing something more than friends.The one that allowed me to blindmyself with jealousy when I should have realized what was fuckinghappening right in front of my face.
The one that makes mewatch her now, consumed with regret, guilt, and longing, and has meat a loss for what to do next.She's been through enough, and thelast thing she needs is for me to add to her emotional stress.Buttonight could have been avoided if I hadn't been so damn distractedby my own jealousy.And, I realize, I just can't do this with her.Not like this.I've never felt this way about a girl before, and Ican't pretend it's just a casual hookup.I won't pressure her forsomething she doesn't want, but if she does want me, then I need toknow it's just us.That I won't be seeing her in any other guy'sarms, even though it seems ridiculous, considering her distrust ofmen, and people in general.
And suddenly that truth isno longer a soft whispering.It's a larger than life, all-consumingthing, taking a permanent hold of my heart, digging its roots uparound my throat, down through my gut, and every other part of me.It no longer whispers, instead, it's screaming so loudly I wonderif others can hear its desperation to be heard.
But I need to fuckingthink.I need to figure out what the right thing to do is.What tosay to her, how to say it.I need to clear my head.But I can'tfucking leave here, it's a goddamned crime scene.
I'll need to give mystatement and then go walk for a while, and think things through.And though I now know the truth with a certainly that overwhelmsme, I don't know if telling Rory I'm fucking in love with her isthe best thing to do right now.Especially tonight.
For now I should justapologize, for all of it, and pray that she can forgive me.I praythat she doesn't shut me out, that she lets me take care of her.I'll tell her that simple, life-changing truth when it's the righttime.After we talk about where we stand.Not tonight.Definitelynot tonight.
****
Ilaugh at myself.As it turned out, I couldn't keep my ownword.I told her barely an hour later, for all the good it ended updoing me.I never could have guessed that only a few weeks later,we wouldn't even be speaking.
Balto stands there proudlyatop his mount, mocking me.He hasn't changed a stitch, but here Iam, utterly different, and hopelessly lost.I wonder if he's seenmy parents together.If the stupid statue knew my parents werefucking seeing each other before I did.There's a good chance theywould have come here; they liked this spot too.
I walk west through thepark before I look for a spot to have a drink.I need to get Roryout of my head.My goddamned parents too.I accomplished what I'dset out to do today, and now that I know my father is going to helpme with Rory, I can breathe a little bit more deeply.But not bymuch.Because the small amount of stress that was relieved, wasreplenished and then some by all of the new information I'm havingto process right now.
Everyone else seems to bemoving forward in their lives, but I'm just stuck in some past I'mnot even sure was ever real.But it's time I move on.And tonightis as good a time as any to start.So I tell myself, tonight, Iwill start trying to accept things as they are.I'll get drunk, andhook up with some random girl.Remind myself what life was likebefore Rory ever panicked her way into it.
Chapter Eleven
Thestupid music in the stupid bar isthumping and bumping, the excitable underage patrons all in anexceptionally celebratory mood.One more week of school and theywill all be free for the summer.And then free in earnest aseveryone starts at their respective colleges—the beginning of theirnew, adult lives.
