Thea rolls her eyes againand I know Danny's just made another ridiculous comment, thoughI've all but completely stopped paying attention.Last night'sdream is really messing with me.It's been so long that I've eventhought about that house—the family meals, the beach bonfires,fishing with our dads…
Thea, who's seated betweenDanny and me, whispers something to me, ripping my attention frommemories of summers past.
"Hmm?"I ask, and shesmiles her warm Thea smile.She's like another sister, just onecloser to my age, and she has a way of reading me that's almostannoying, in a sisterly way.
"I asked if you wereokay," she repeats.
I nod, but I doubt she'sconvinced by the thin smile that wouldn't even fool Danny.Shedoesn't press me, though, and when the doorbell rings and Ipractically fall out of my chair, she barely stifles her giggle.I"accidentally" kick one of the legs of her chair in retaliation asI walk back through the house to the main foyer.I'm lookingforward to introducing Rory and Thea.I think they'll get along.They both have that realness that I think they'll each appreciatein the other.And since they'll be going to NYU together and Rorydoesn't know anyone else there, it's important to me that they getto know one another.
Bits is already answeringthe door, but it's only Chelsea and her mom.I quicken my pace tothe door.Bits is not Chelsea's biggest fan, nor is she especiallyadept at hiding her feelings.
They each air kiss Bitsbefore making their way through the foyer and greeting me.Chelseakisses me on the cheek and I give her a pat on the back.The wayshe lingers makes me think she was looking for a hug, but aftereverything that's happened, I don't want to give her the wrongidea.
I've never given her aninkling of a reason to think I was interested in anything otherthan a friendship with her, and I was honestly stunned when Roryannounced that Chel's actions in that bathroom were because of herfeelings for me.Though I think her assertion that she was "inlove" with me was an exaggeration.And while Chel's apology wasfollowed—to my great relief—by her insistence that she was over her"crush", I'd like to help her keep it that way.
Bits lingers in thekitchen while I lead Chelsea and Chris outside to the rest of thegroup.My sister was never Chelsea's biggest fan.Chelsea has aparticular personality, a bit of an acquired taste, and it isn'tfor everyone.But Bits says she doesn't like what she callsChelsea's need to constantly be the center of attention.In mysister's defense, it's fair assessment.Chelsea does like all eyeson her.But I think Bits has been more sensitive to it since myfather left.
But Chelsea's attack onRory was the last nail in the coffin as far as Bits was concerned.My sister connected with Rory immediately, not unlike myself, andfrom that first time she came to my house for dinner, I was sureshe had a life-long fan.Well, maybe more than one.
When Bits heard aboutChelsea's attempt at "looking out" for me by taking pictures ofRory changing and their subsequent brawl, she couldn't condemnChelsea fast enough.And what could I say?She was right.Anddespite my encouragement of forgiveness, Bits seems about asinclined as Rory does.Maybe even less so.
I turn to head back insideand see if Bits is okay.She hasn't given me any reason to thinkotherwise, this has just become a habit of mine ever since hersuicide attempt last summer.But as soon as I enter the kitchen, myeyes lock onher.
Rory's here.Bit's ishugging her hello.The bell didn't ring, so she must have arrivedjust after Chelsea.
Warmth unfurls in mychest, only slightly alleviating the constant weight there.Something about seeing my sister's affection for Rory makes myfeelings seem even more justified.Like I'm not crazy for havingfallen so fucking deeply for her in such a short time.
Bits hugs Carl too, andRory's gaze slides to mine.My breath catches for a split second,but I hide it.She's just so fucking beautiful.Her perfect lipsquirk up into an uncertain smile, and in this moment, all I want isto offer her the reassurance to vanquish heruncertainty.
My grin tells her howhappy I am to see her, though I suspect she might doubt mysincerity.She knows I'm trying to make her feel comfortable, and Ihate that she doesn't know that my motivation doesn't mitigate myaffection for her.
I grab the water pitcherfrom the counter so my hands are full when I greet them.Itprevents me from touching her.Or from drawing attention to thefact that I'm carefullynottouching her.
Because I can't fuckingtouch her.
I remind myself, again,that this beautiful girl with eyes that somehow shine despite theirexhaustion, whose small smile makes my fucking heartbeat skitter,is nothing more than a friend.I tell myself,again, that I am okaywith this.Thatweare okay.That despite the pungent air of hopelessness,everything is somehow going to be okay.
But if Itouchher…
Even the slightest brushof our fingertips, and all bets would be off.My resolve is nevermore than tenuous at best, and just one touch and I know all Iwould be able to think about is touching hermore… wrapping my arms around her,kissing her.
And then what would I do?Beg her to give us another shot?I pretty much begged her to giveus the first shot, and I have no one to blame but myself forfucking it up.So yeah, no touching it is.
Bits and I lead Rory andCarl out to the patio, I set the water on the table, and we all sitdown to eat.I make Rory a cup of coffee the way she likes it—lightand loaded with real sugar, none of that sweetener garbage—and handher the mug without a word.She smiles the first real smile she'sshown in weeks and the weight lifts marginally.
I look at her too intentlyfor too long a moment before I manage to pull my gaze away.But thepoint was made.Just friends or something more, I'll never stoplooking out for her.And while I make every effort to fakethisjust friendsbullshit, I won't let her forgetthat.
Thea draws the girls intoa conversation about school since all but Carl are attendingcollege in Manhattan, and Carl will be less than an hour away atHofstra University here on Long Island.
Our moms chat aboutsomething or other down at the other end of the table, completelyengrossed in their own conversation.
"I met my roommate,"Chelsea says excitedly."Well notmet, but you know,Facebooked."
"You'll be at FIT, right?"Thea asks her.Chelsea's always been into fashion, so when sheapplied early to the Fashion Institute of Technology, no one wassurprised.But right now, Rory looks as if she is.It hadn'toccurred to me that Rory didn't know Chelsea would be in the citywith us next year, and I blanche at my oversight.
But if she's taken offguard, she recovers quickly, and I can't help my swell of pride ather strength.Because I know she thinks what happened in Miami hasundone all her progress.But I know better.I've known it allalong—that she's stronger than she ever thought, and she's gettingstronger still.
"That's right.We canchoose our roommates or get one assigned.But I don't really likethe only other girl I know going, so I met some people in somegroups online, and this one girl seems really cool.So we requestedeach other."Chelsea explains.
