It's the same every time. We kiss, he tries to go further, I tell himno, and usually he backs off. Except on those nights. On those nights, when I tell him no, he just loses control. He pins my wrists, I fight back, I sob and plead, I beg him to stop, and he never does. And every time he forces his way inside me, I freeze. I stop fighting. Every damn time. And I still don't know why. And Robin's noticed too. He says I just like to play hard to get and I stop fighting him off when he's inside me because I like it. Because I "like it rough".
But I know I don't like it. It hurts. Every time. He keeps saying that eventually I'll start liking it more, but I think I actually hate it more and more each time.
When I freeze, I start thinking about other things. Happy things. Memories usually. It makes it go faster, I think - and the happy memories usually involve Cam. And then afterwards I feel guilty. Even though rationally I know that Robin has done something awful, thinking about another man - even if not necessarily in a romantic way - while my boyfriend "makes love" to me, as Robin calls it, is just plain wrong.
I knew Robin hadn't worn a condom that first night. When he didn't wear one the second time either, I eventually asked him why. He said that he's going to marry me anyway, so it doesn't matter either way. He didn't elaborate, but just the thought of getting pregnant at barely seventeen, and with Robin's baby, sent me running to my doctor for birth control pills. Thank goodness my mom understood and came with me. I didn't tell her Robin won't wear a condom, just that I wanted to be extra careful. I also didn't tell Robin I take the pills, I'm not sure how he'd react.
Now that it's spring, the weather has gotten hotter again. It'll get hotter still as summer returns. I spend all my time at school, with Robin, cheering at basketball games - the only time I really spend with the girls - or trying to sneak in time with Cam.
But Cam has noticed something is off with me. I catch him casting suspicious glances my way at school or when we're all out, and though I plaster on my fake "everything is okay" smile, Cam's a tough one to fool. At least for me. He knows me too damn well. It's like that damned wasp sting all over again.
I've all but completely stopped wearing anything but jeans, except when Robin starts to complain, and then I'll wear a dress on a day I know we won't be alone together. I hope that if I wear skirts less frequently, people won't think that I "want it", as Robin put it. That Robin won't think that. Because I don't. But today and Friday there are basketball games after school and so I have to wear my uniform.
I grab a banana for breakfast and am about to head outside to wait for Robin to drive me to school when my dad surprises me by calling me into his study. "That you, Sleepin' Beauty? Come in here a minute, will ya?"
I dutifully obey. "Yes, daddy?" I stand in the doorway.
He sets down the documents he'd been poring over and removes his reading glasses.
"Bobby mentioned that Rob invited you to go down to Gainesville with him this weekend," he says. He's right, Robin has to drive down for an orientation program with the athletics department and he wanted me to spend the weekend with him there, but I told him my parents would go for it. "I think it's a good idea. I mean, you'll be goin' there in a little over a year and all you've ever seen is the football stadium. And we haven't been to a Gators game in what? Three years?"
Five actually.
"It'll be a good chance for you to tour the campus," he continues as he scrolls through his phone for what I assume are work emails.
I fidget with my necklace, and for a few ounces of white gold, it weighs heavily around my neck. I nervously shift from foot to foot, searching for the courage to talk to a father I've barely interacted with in years.
"Um, Daddy, I've been thinkin' actually... I was thinkin' maybe I'd like to apply to NYU. Do undergrad in New York. You know, like Mom." My voice is a shaky whisper and I wonder where the tough girl who never had any problem saying what was on her mind has disappeared to. This gets my father's attention, though. He sets his phone down on his desk and glares at me.
"Now I know we haven't discussed it much lately, but you've always wanted to go to UFL. Your whole life. Why would you want to go to New York?"
I shrug and sit down on the club chair opposite his desk. "I just think it would be a good experience for me," I murmur.
"Aurora, I don't think that's a good idea. And anyway, Robbie will be in Gainesville, why would you want to be anywhere else?"
I shrug again.
My father sighs. "Listen, relationships are tough. Have you any idea how hard it would be for you and Rob to make it if you're in different states?"
"I know, Daddy, I'm just not sure it's what I want," I whisper.
My father leans forward in his chair and places both elbows on his desk. "Aurora, Rob is about to be a college quarterback on his way to the NFL. Do you know how many girls will be throwin' themselves at him? You've always been naive when it comes to these things, but you need to be there with him.Jesus, he's already talkin' to his daddy about proposin' and marriage. Did you even know that? He loves you! And you're 'not sure'? What is wrong with you?" He uses that tone he reserves for lecturing me. I haven't heard it in a while. I suppose I haven't done anything that's warranted his attention. But his question hits me hard. It's one I've asked myself over and over for months.
Whatiswrong with me?
"Look, Aurora, you're just scared. It's normal, you know, cold feet and all that. But he loves you, and you love him. You're a lucky girl." He pauses and takes a deep breath. "You'll go spend the weekend with him in Gainesville and you'll get to see how great it will be. Goin' to college with your future husband. Not havin' to be apart. If you're worried about me and your mother, don't be. You're goin' to marry the boy, I accept that you're intimate with him."
I gasp. I don't know what to do, what to say. But I do know that I can't go away with Robin for a whole weekend. It's bad enough when I stay over there, but at least his parents are around and it's only late at night that he can really get me alone. I imagine being alone in a hotel room with Robin and I start to panic. He would be like a dog with a bone. And that'd be me - the bone - all chewed up and dirty for the sake of his enjoyment. I don't have a choice; I can't let this happen.
I realize suddenly that I'm about to tell my father the truth about me and Robin. I expect to feel terror, but I don't. I feel relief.
Somewhere, down this long, dark, road, I see a glimmer of light that's evaded me for months. Of hope. That I won't have to endure this with Robin for much longer. Because love or not, I can't be with him anymore, and I certainly can't agree to marry him. Not now, not ever. The thought of becoming hiswife-of aforeverof this - gives me courage. I know the words will be hard to say, but once my father hears them, he will help me. No matter how disconnected we've been these past few years, my father will protect me. After all, that's his job, isn't it? I take a calming breath and rally my courage.
"No, Daddy, you don't understand. Robin - he... we are intimate, yes, but... he hurt me, Daddy." I realize my voice is too low, but the words are so difficult to force out. Especially with my father glaring at me like that.
"What are you talkin' about, Aurora?"
I lose it. Tears stream down my cheeks and I choke back a sob. "He... he forced himself on me! I told him I wasn't ready. I didn't wanna do it! But he made me," I cry.
