"Yeah, I know I will. I do wanna come," I assure him, aware that I sound unsure, but my uncertainty has nothing to do with the trip, not now that I know Chelsea won't be there. It's Sam that has me confused, it's Sam that always has me confused these days, I realize, as I try to rally to get my feelings in check.
"I mean it, Ror." He leans into me, staring intently to emphasize his words.
I nod, but can tell he's not convinced.
"What is it you're worried about? Is ithim? Is he still down in Florida?" he asks, and I'm momentarily stunned.
"Who?Robin?"I ask, puzzled.
Sam narrows his eyes, his entire demeanor morphing in an instant - his jaw clenches and his nostrils flare. And pitiful me can only think,he also looks adorable when he's mad.
"Isthathis name?" he practically growls. "You're not still in contact with him, are you? Is he bothering you?" He's getting worked up, and I don't want him upset - not for me. I don't deserve any more of his defense.
I shake my head emphatically. "No, of course not. He can't anyway; I have a restraining order. But it ain't him. Linton's nowhere near Miami, anyway," I explain. "They may as well be in different states."
Sam visibly calms, but his brow furrows thoughtfully. "Do you still have feelings for him? I mean, I know these things can be complicated. My mom-"
"No, Sam. I hate him. Truly," I say slowly and carefully.
Sam scoots closer to me in an instant. "I'm not going to let him hurt you again," he vows, but I shake my head. I've heard that before. And it didn't work out well - for me or my protector.
"It ain't your job to protect me," I whisper.
Sam glares at me. I don't know if my words have angered him or what, but they're true. As much as I might wish things were different, I'm not his, and he's not mine, and we can never be more than friends. I wouldn't even know how to be with him if he did want me, Robin and his way of things is all I know, and the reality is, Sam doesn't want me as more than a friend, anyway.
"Nevertheless," he replies, equally meaningfully. "As myfriend, I'd appreciate if you were to tell me ifRobindoes bother you again, in any way, okay?" The contempt in his voice as he says Robin's name is enough to strike fear into anyone.
I nod, never breaking eye contact. The lie comes more easily than usual for me. I need to focus not to bite my lip, but I handle it. Because I have no intention of doing this, of course. I know I've let Sam come to my rescue several times now, but I would never put him at risk by allowing him to fightthatbattle for me. Nothing good can come when teenage boys full of testosterone get all riled up in defense of someone they care about. But I also don't expect Robin would ever try to contact me again anyway, so it's a harmless lie.
"It may not be my right to protect you, Ror, but I'm going to do it anyway."
I'm pretty sure I said it wasn't hisjobto protect me, and I'm vaguely confused as to how such a burden could be referred to as aright. Sam rakes his fingers through his hair and closes his eyes for the shortest moment and when they open again, they've shedded their intensity. "Friends look out for each other, right?" he asks, his voice lighter.
"Right," I whisper, and Sam offers me a faint smile.Friends.
"I got you, Pine."
FIFTEEN
A P R I L, L A S T Y E A R
IHAVEN’T BEENsleeping. The nightmares started a couple of months ago, not long after that first night Robin decided it was time we slept together. I'd never really had bad dreams before. Not like this. I wake up in a cold sweat,sometimes sobbing, sometimes screaming, my pillow drenched from tears. A couple of times the noise woke my mother, whom my dad has convinced that I'm just upset that Robin will be leaving for college in a few months. She consoles me by saying he'll only be an hour and a half drive away, that in a little over a year I'll join him in Gainesville.
The truth is, knowing he'll be leaving is the only thing that actually consoles me. Maybe some distance is what we need. Physical distance at least. He'll go in July for football training, and the closer we get to summer, the more possessive he becomes.
I barely see Cam. I once told myself I wouldn't stop hugging my best friend to appease my boyfriend, but now, it's just so much easier to comply with Robin's demands.
He flipped out a few weeks ago when I'd hugged Cam at school. It was the anniversary of his father's death, and I tried to explain that to Robin, but he just wasn't hearing it. He said I'd embarrassed him - that I was his girl, and that I didn't belong in another man's arms. He shouted at me, saying that if I needed a hug, that he'd give me a damned hug. Only using a lot more expletives. And then he did give me a hug. He squeezed me so tight I couldn't breathe, and only when I'd started crying and panicking did he let go. It left bruises on my arms and rib cage. Now I only hug Cam when we're alone, which is so rare these days, but I find such solace in his arms that I find myself looking so forward to those times. I tell myself that next year Robin will be gone and everything can go back to normal.
It isn't all bad though. Robin is a doting boyfriend. Most of the time he's affectionate and even sweet. He buys me a different bouquet of flowers every Saturday before taking me out, he drives forty five minutes out of town to pick me up breakfast from my favorite bakery every Sunday.
But he also gets pissed off at me much more easily than he used to. He just loses his temper. He says he's under a lot of pressure with graduation and then football training coming up, and I get that, I really do. But a few times he grabbed me so hard that my arm bruised, and once he'd even yanked out a small clump of my hair when I'd tried to walk away from an argument until he cooled down.
Because once he cools down, he's my Robin again. He's so contrite and affectionate that I know he really is sorry. He even bought me a beautiful necklace with a white gold football shaped pendant with a small solitaire diamond. I thanked him, but told him I didn't need gifts, I just needed him not to lose control. Because when he loses control, it terrifies me. He just tells me how sorry he is and how much he loves me and that I know he'd never really hurt me. And I used to believe it, but now... I mean, hehashurt me.
Even that isn't the worst of it. Because at least when he pushes me around, eventually he catches himself, he apologizes, he tries to make it up to me.
What causes my nightmares is that night after Marcus's party. And the nights it's happened again since. In fact, every weekend I've spent at the Forbes', Robin has forced himself on me at least one of the nights I stayed over. Sometimes both nights.
