I try to steady myself with a deep breath. It doesn't help. "I... I wasn't ready." Tears resume streaming down my cheeks.
"Oh, darlin'. You were never gonna feel like you were ready. We've been seein' each other almost six months. I love you, Rory, you know that. You just gotta trust me to know what's right for us. It was time. I know it hurt, but when it stops hurtin', you're gonna like it. Trust me, alright?" he murmurs into my ear.
Ithasbeen six months, I know that. But I wasn't ready. Maybe he's right, maybe I would never feel ready. But I never thought he would just go ahead and do it anyway. I tried to make him stop. I tried to fight him off, damn it!
I sniffle.
"I love you, sweetheart. You know that, right?" he whispers.
I nod.
"You love me too?"
I nod again, automatically. I don't know if I mean it. Right now I just feel confused and numb.
"I'm gonna sleep here as long as I can.God, I wanna stay with you forever, sweetheart. But I gotta sneak back downstairs before my parents get up, okay?"
I nod again. I don't want him to sleep here. I want him to go so I can think. But he doesn't, he just spoons me and whispers pretty things and plants feathery kisses on my shoulder until he dozes off.
I don't sleep. I can't.
I can't believe that just happened. I figured I would lose my virginity to Robin, but not like that. I just don't understand why he didn't stop. He's warned me that when guys get worked up past a certain point, theycan'tstop.He certainly seemed like he wasn't in control. Is his attraction to me that strong? I don't get it, I just don't. And I know it was supposed to hurt my first time, but this was too much. Even in my inexperience, I know this was too much. It's not just that I'm sore - though I am, so damn sore. But, my wrists are a red and swollen, my thighs are bruised, and my muscles ache with exertion from the struggle before he forced his way inside me and I just gave up.
And that's what's bothering me most of all.Why did I give up?
Is this whole thing my fault? If I hadn't frozen, if I'd kept sayingnountil he heard me...
Shit.I messed up. I was kissing him and letting him touch me and I let him get too worked up. I know I asked him to stop, and I know I said no, but then I stopped fighting. I just let him do it. I wasn't even thinking about him, I was thinking about Cam.God,I can't imagine how he'd react if he knew that. He'd probably kill both me and Cam.
An unfathomable wave of guilt surges in my gut. I'm supposed to love Robin. He loves me. He says so all the time.
Robin starts stirring behind me and I glance at the clock and see it's nearly five in the morning. I pretend to be asleep. He presses a soft kiss to my cheek. "I gotta go, Sleepin' Beauty, I'll see you at breakfast," he whispers. I don't move a muscle. "I love you so damn much, sweetheart," he adds, his voice tight with emotion. And with one last kiss to my cheek, he climbs out from behind me and I listen to the door quietly open and close.
With him gone, I finally fall asleep, but it's a wretched sleep, riddled with nightmares of being held down, of being hurt, and completely at the mercy of some faceless someone who, for some reason, can't hear my desperate pleas.
****
It's already past ten when I wake, and though I manage to wash up and get dressed, I can't quite bring myself to leave the room. My wrists are wrought with light bruising, as are my inner thighs, and small red half-moons mark my palm where my fingernails cut into my skin. But the soreness between my legs is so fierce that everything else pales in comparison. Except for my heart. I've had so many conflicting emotions in the past eight hours that I have no idea where I've landed.
So I don't move. I'm sitting in the old wicker rocking chair in the corner of the room when I hear a light knock on the door. I realize I should have been down for breakfast with the family over an hour ago.
Before I can respond, Lacey walks in. "Hey Rory," she greets me warmly.
"Hey."
"You okay?"
I nod, but don't say anything. I'm not sure I can manage the words "I'm okay". They'd be my biggest lie.
Lacey sits on the foot of the bed and sighs. "Everyone's waitin' in the dining room."
"Sorry. I'm just not feelin' too well," I murmur, not quite meeting her gaze.
Lacey nods, like she expected this. "Look, Rob wanted me to come check on you," she admits.
"I'll be down soon, I'm just not feelin' well."
She nods again. "Yeah, you said."
