I should ask him about our status, but again, the timing feels all wrong. And I still feel deeply unsettled over what just happened. Maybe I should break up withhim.
Robin nods. "I'm sorry, okay? You need to forgive me," he says again. It's not even a question, but I do believe he's sorry. His remorse is palpable. "You know I care about you, right?"
That same question. I nod again.
Robin kisses me, but it's back to his sweet, gentle kiss. "Go to bed, Sleepin' Beauty. I'll take you to lunch tomorrow to make it up to you." He kisses my forehead and leaves, closing my door softly behind him.
It's forever before I can fall asleep. My mind reels with the memory of feeling so powerless. I can't understand why he didn't stop when I asked. I get that he must not have heard me, that he thought I was kissing him back, but I can't get over that feeling. Feeling out of control of my own body, and the person whowasin control - who hadtakencontrol - just wasn't listening to me.
I've never been touched there before. I've never even touchedmyselfthere. I didn't like it, and I wonder if it's just because I was so caught up in my fear or if there really is something wrong with me.Why am I still not ready to do anything more than kiss?
****
There's no mention of last night's incident the next day. In fact, the day is so perfect it's easy to forget it even happened. Or maybe I just want to forget.
I eat a late breakfast with the whole Forbes family, then it's off to manicures with Lacey. Afterwards, she drops me off at Cal's Coffee Shop to have lunch with Robin.
He's a perfect gentleman - opening doors and pulling out chairs. He's even more affectionate than usual, holding my hand and repeatedly kissing my knuckles. He says pretty things, and last night is all but erased.
Tonight I'm going to a movie with the girls while Robin has plans with his buddies. Cam has called no fewer than four times since last night to "check" on me. It's the first weekend I've spent anywhere but at his place while my parents were out of town since- well, ever. And it's weird for both of us. It's also the first time I've spent the night at the Forbes' since I started seeing Robin. Cam was concerned when I told him I'd be sleeping over, but I brushed it off. Now I get his concern.
Robin's still out when we get home from the movies. I change and climb into bed, but can't seem to fall asleep. I'm still apprehensive from last night.
My door swings open sometime after midnight, and my breath gets trapped somewhere in my throat.
"You up, Sleepin' Beauty?" Robin drawls, but there's something about his tone that's almost apprehensive.
I don't move. I keep my eyes shut tight, unsure of what to do. My bed dips when he sits down next to me. My skin breaks out in goosebumps as his finger sweeps the hair from my face, his warm breath caressing my cheek as he presses a soft kiss to my forehead.
Robin doesn't leave. Instead, he curls into bed with me, but over the covers, and spoons behind me. It feels kind of nice, but I'm still anxious. I wish last night never happened.
His lips brush my cheek. "Please don't still be mad at me, sweetheart," he whispers, and he sounds so earnest that I open my eyes.
Robin doesn't notice. He sits up, but before he can leave, I stop him.
"Hey," I whisper.
He turns to me with an uncertain smile. "Didn't mean to wake you."
I sit up. "You come to say goodnight?"
His smile shifts into a grin and he nods. When I don't say anything more, Robin leans in and kisses me. It's soft and sweet, and as his tongue slides tentatively into my mouth, I welcome it. I don't smell any liquor on him, and it's a relief. His scent is different than I'm used to, though. His fingers thread into my hair and he holds my mouth to his, but his hands don't roam even a little.
Robin ends the kiss and pulls away. "'Night, sweetheart."
He stands and leaves, and only as I'm starting to fall asleep do I realize that the strange scent that clung to him was a woman's perfume.
TEN
P R E S E N T D A Y
SAM PRETENDED THATTuesday night in the school library never happened, and I'm grateful. I'm still struggling with my reaction that night, and I've tried not to dwell on it too much. Tonight is my therapy session, so I can wait until then to process how it is that the one thing that terrifies me most - being overpowered by a man, even if it was just a hug - is what managed to quell a full blown panic attack with just the help of a few whispered words of comfort.
At the moment I'm mostly concerned about calc. Tomorrow is the big test, and I'm still having trouble with some of the material, but Sam has assured me he'll have me ready.
I rush through the rain to my jeep since it's my turn to drive to lunch today, but as I sit in the driver's seat I find I can't move. I have issues driving in the rain, so I ask Carl if she doesn't mind switching places and she agrees without question. Carl has noticed some of my issues, though she hasn't seen anything close to an attack. I've told her I went through some things last year that I'm still dealing with - the same thing I initially told Sam - and she's been sympathetic. It's good to have real friends, and while no one can ever replace what Cam and I had, I've never in my life had girl friends I actually believed cared about me. It's not something I take for granted.
I step out to let Carl into the driver's seat and Sam catches me to tell me he can't meet me in the library after school because he has to drive his sister to a doctor's appointment. I call back that I'll text him to figure it out, and hastily jump into the passenger seat before I can get totally drenched.
