"I was blowing them off! You know, when we first started hooking up,hewas the one fucking other people, not me. I haven't so much as kissed another guy in like a year!" she argues.
"Does he even know that?"
"No. I mean, I don't know what he knows, but I haven't advertised it. It would freak him out."
"It wouldn't freak him out, Carl. In fact I think it would make him real happy to know that," I counter.
"Yeah, because guys just love it when their casual hook-ups get all clingy and committed," she spits sarcastically. I laugh, I can't help it. She sounds so much like Tuck saying that girls don't like "pussies". I can't help but think that if Carl got a littleclingyand Tuck acted a little like apussy, they might find happiness together.
"Do you think he'd get all upset about you talkin' to other guys - even if you were just blowin' them off - if he doesn't want more with you? Honestly, if you were just a casual hookup, why wouldn't you be allowed to talk to whoever you wanted?"
Carl sighs, and her eyes start to glisten. She's holding back tears, and it's the most emotional I've ever seen her on her own behalf. I've seen her get worked up for friends - for me even - but never over her own personal life. I slide closer to her and slip my arm around her shoulders.
"He said I'm his favorite hookup, Rory. That's it. He could have said whatever he wanted, and that's what he said." She swipes at her cheek before her tear can fall too far. I rub her arm in comfort.
"And did you tell him how you feel? Or did you just say the same bullshit?"
"Same bullshit," she breathes.
I nod. "Tell him how you feel. Just tell him. You guys are two, normal, eighteen year olds. There's no reason you can't have what you want."Unlike me,I think sadly to myself. "I think he loves you. I do. And I'm pretty sure you feel the same way. And if not, then what do you have to lose? You two are miserable like this. You should be together. For real."
I expect Carl to argue, to deny she loves him, and to insist she can't say these things to him, but she doesn't. She just sits there for a few moments, taking in my words. I sincerely hope that they can work this out. That they can find happiness.
Again, I think about how much I hate Robin for stealing that opportunity from me, possibly for life. For making me a hypocrite. Because whatever advice I give Carl, I can't follow myself. I can't tell Sam how I feel, because even if he could love me back someday, how long could it possibly last before I freak out again and scare him away? How could I ever be capable of a normal relationship? I need to remind myself of this, again and again, because after an afternoon like the one I just had, it becomes easy to forget.
"I'm glad we're having a girls' dinner tonight," Carl rallies to pull herself together. "I could use some girl time to figure this shit out. Before seeing Tuck later, I mean."
I feel my evening holed up with Sam slip through my fingers.
Carl's eyes narrow suddenly. "Hey, what ever happened before? Did you ever find Cap? He wasn't taking Tuck or Dave's calls."
Heat creeps over my skin, and I worry my friend knows me well enough by now to notice. I reach into my bag and pull out Sam's phone in explanation. "He asked me to hold it for him earlier. So I guess you had it."
Carl's glare doesn't waver. "You didn't answer my question. Did you find him? What have you been doing all this time? Just sleeping?" Her questions come out as an accusation and I'm quite sure they were meant to. Her eyes skate down my body. "Rory... is that Cap's shirt?"
Oh, shit.
My blush returns with a vengeance and I chew on my bottom lip, thinking of what to tell her. I do want to talk to her. And I do trust her. I know she won't repeat anything I confide, not even to Tina. She's proven that time and time again.
"I found him. You were right, he was fine, just needed a little time," I murmur.
"And...?"
"And what?" I play dumb.
"Did something finally happen with you two last night? Dave said you left the bar with him, but I didn't think anything of it since you'realwayswith him, but you're being all blushy now so...?"
"I kissed him," I confess.
Carl's eyes go saucer-round and her eyebrows shoot into her hairline. "Youwhat? Holy shit, Rory! I would've bet my life he'd be the one to make the first move! Tell meeverythingthat happened last night!"
I take a deep breath. "Well actually he stopped it," I admit. "I mean, he kissed me back at first, but then he stopped it. Oh God, and then I got sick! I threw up all over his bathroom!"
"No!"
"Yes!" I cover my face with my palms and flood with shame at the memory.
"Oh my God, I can't believe he stopped it! That makes no sense. I was sure he was totally into you. I mean I know he doesn't really do the girlfriend thing - his rule and all - but honestly, I thought it'd be different with you." Carl openly ponders my very personal life. "At the very least I was sure he'd jump at the chance to get you into bed!" We both giggle. "What'd he do when you threw up?"
