My eyes widen in horror. He thinks he's done something to cause my tears, and my stomach rolls with his unearned guilt. But how can I tell a man I wish he was the one who'd taken my virginity? How can I tell him I want to erase all memories of Robin and replace the memory of my first time with today. I don't know much about men other than the monster who broke me, but I'm quite sure they generally freak out at the responsibility of taking a girl's virginity, even if only figuratively.
"Nothin', Sam. I mean it. It's just..." I trail off.
It's justwhat? It's just, do you mind if I pretend you were my first?
"It's not you, I was just thinkin' about Robin..."
Sam blanches, and I realize that didn't come out right.
"I mean... I was just thinkin' that this is what my first time should have been like, that's all."
Sam's entire body relaxes beside me. "Nothing he did was the way things should have been for you, Ror. I wish you never had to go through any of that," he says intently.
I nod.Me too.
"I wish it could've been me." He adds more quietly, "you have no idea how much."
I blink at him. "Really?"
Sam nods. "Really."
My brows pinch together. Awe for this man strikes me dumbfounded. "I didn't know guys like you existed."
He laughs. "It's not me, Ror. I told you, you're the one doing this to me. Trust me, normally just thethoughtof sleeping with a virgin..." he trails off with a dramatic shudder and I giggle.
But he sobers quickly, and I instantly regret bringing up Robin at all. "I wish I could undo what he did," he breathes.
"It was kind of a first for me," I say softly. "I mean, you know,consensually.I've never... I..." I don't know how to explain it without revealing my feelings for him so I just trail off pathetically.
Sam presses a quick kiss to my lips. "I know, baby," he says gently. His brow furrows as if he's considering something. "You know, if you want to consider this your first time, I'm okay with that," he says meaningfully, and I blink at him, astonished at his compassion for me and my past.
I kiss him.
I kiss him hard. His free hand holds my face to his as I silently marvel at how lucky I am to have him in my life. Even if we end up just being friends, even if this "something more" can never really be what I wish it could be.
I can't believe how this day has unfolded. I awoke in a shroud of humiliation and rejection, and now, I lie here completely naked and blissfully sated, gazing into the midnight blues that have had such an unfathomable on my life in such a short time. Sam rolls onto his back, pulling me back to his side and I rest my head on his chest.
Exhaustion expands my ribcage and climbs from my throat in a wild yawn. I never knew a couple of orgasms could wipe me out like this. Of course, why would I, since apparently I'd never had one before.
"You sure swear a lot during... you know," I say through another yawn.
Sam frowns. "Do I?" His lips quirk up into a small smirk. "You know, you can say 'sex', you don't have to be embarrassed, baby. Especially since we're still naked."
I shove at his chest and let out a laugh.
"Well, do you want to know whatyousound like duringsex?" he teases.
"God, no!" We both laugh and I cover his mouth with my hand, but he nips at it playfully.
Sam sighs. "You sound - and look - like every fucking fantasy I've ever had," he admits.
I doubt it, but it's still nice to hear. "Is it always like that?" I ask quietly. I just can't believe that's what I've been missing out on. That it's what everyone experiences. That mind-blowing, life-changing passion. Why would anyone do anythingelse?
"No."
I look up at him, bemused.
"It's never like that, Ror," he says meaningfully, and though I don't know his exact meaning, I let myself believe I'm special to him. That even though I know he's done what we just did many times and with many different girls, that this time was special to him.
