"You're remarkable," Sam says finally, as if he's in awe. I roll my eyes. I am far from it.
"What is so remarkable? I let him hurt me for months and then fled when I couldn't handle the fallout. And I left with an anxiety condition and issues I'll probably never get over."
"But you've already gotten over some of them. You beat triggers, remember? You're beating one right now, sitting here with me. In a fucking hotel room, by the way," he reminds me. And he's right. I am sitting alone in a hotel room with a man. I slept in bed with that man last night. And I'd have done more than that if he'd let me.
"I'm just surviving, Sam. It's not remarkable. It's not like there's any other option," I whisper. The truth is, for a while, I was barely even doing that. Surviving.
"But there is, Ror," he breathes, and his eyes reveal something profound.
And I feel immediate guilt. Of course there is. He means Bits. And her suicide attempt. He's right - there is another option.
"There is. And surviving is a choice. And you're not just surviving. Not anymore. Look at you - you're on spring break with your friends. Last night you went out and partied, and if I'm not mistaken, had a pretty good time until you got sick. That's not just surviving, Ror, that'sliving."
I wince at the reminder of last night. Iwashaving a pretty good time, but not until I got sick, only until I got rejected. "Yeah. Last night was...somethin'," I mutter, and when I lift my eyes, Sam's are even closer, and there's a heat in them I'd thought I saw last night, but I was mistaken. As I'm mistaken now, surely.
But just below those eyes, is his perfect nose, and below that, his full, pink lips, and they part slightly as his face inches closer. "Sam." I exhale his name. I don't know why, but it's the only word my lips can manage. And then his lips are on mine.
I gasp, right into his mouth. He kisses me softly, almost reverently, and I let him. And not only do I let him, but I kiss him back.
I kiss him back hard.
Sam groans, like he did last night, andGod, the sound lights me on fire. Butwait, what the hell is going on?
I pull away. "You kissed me," I breathe.
"I did," he agrees.
"But last night-"
"I kissed you last night as well, yes."
My eyes widen.That is not what happened.I thoughtIwas the drunk one. "Um, no, Sam, actually I'm the one-"
"Yes, you kissed me first. But I kissed you back, in case you didn't notice. I kissed you back a fucking lot."
I stand up and take a few steps away from where he remains seated on the couch. I simply can't think with him so close. I shake my head. "But you stopped it," I argue.
"You were drunk. I couldn't take advantage of you," he says, still unmoving, save for his eyes which follow me as I pace in front of the coffee table.
I shake my head again. "But I told you I knew what I was doin'.God, I even asked you to..." I rub my face with my palm, blushing scarlet, beyond ashamed.
Sam stands, and gingerly approaches me. "I couldn't risk it, Rory," he says carefully.
"Risk what?" I ask earnestly, looking up at him through my lashes.
"Risk that you were just saying those things because you were drunk. Risk fucking us up when you regretted it in the morning."
I shake my head again. "I already told you-"
"That it wasn't because you were drunk, I know. So now, tell me, did you want to sleep with me because you trust me and you want to know how it feels to be with someone other thanhim?Or because you wantedme?" His intensity radiates from his every pore and finds its way into mine. He is beautiful and I am riveted. His hand reaches out and pushes a lock of hair back behind my ear, his thumb lingering on my cheek, and I turn into his touch. "Tell me, Rory."
"Both." I answer truthfully. "But... but you said you only wanted to be friends."
"I did want to be your friend. Iamyour friend. But,come on,Rory, of course I want you."
"I don't understand," I admit.
Sam sighs. "I'd just met you, you know? I didn't want or not want anything in particular, I just knew I felt some... I don't know, connection, and I needed to get to know you. So when I offered to go for a walk and you made it very clear you were not interested in, well,fucking me by the lake,but I assumed you meant any kind of, you know, romantic relationship at all, I got that we could only be friends.
