Of course he's familiar with what cheerleaders wear over their underwear.I push away my jealousy as quickly as it surged. I just don't have time for it right now.
"Well he couldn't tear them. He got frustrated and used his house key."
"Your scar," Sam breathes, and if his lips weren't so close to my ear, I might not have even heard him.
I nod against his chest. "But even that, it wasn't the worst part. He... he'd been real controlling for a while - possessive. So when I told him I needed space, it really got to him, I think. I didn't mean to- I just wanted to make it stop." I take a deep breath and my hand involuntarily shoots to my neck. "He just kept sayin' that I belonged to him, and then... he, uh, choked me. I couldn't breathe. I thought I was gonna pass out. I thought he was gonna kill me. But he didn't. He let go when he had, you know, finished."
I feel Sam's adam's apple move with his swallow, feel his clenched jaw at the crown of my head, the tremors in his arms, his chest.
"That was the last time. He went off to Gainesville for the weekend and left me there, on the locker room floor,"gasping, crying, bleeding... I pause, trying to force away the memory, and unsure how to explain the rest. How I finally made it stop. There's too much to tell and too much I'm still not ready to talk about. That I'll probably never be able to talk about.
"Eventually I told someone, and once my mom knew what'd happened, that was it. She swept in and did everything she could. But Robin's dad was the mayor and my dad was the DA and neither of them wanted to get him in trouble. And the whole town loves them."
"So he'snotin jail," Sam seethes. It isn't a question.
I shake my head and then pull away so I can look at him. His arms loosen to allow it, but he doesn't release me.
"When my mom found out my dad knew, she couldn't even look at him. She kicked him out, and guess who he stayed with... Even after everything he still thinks it was my fault. It didn't help that Robin told everyone I was just lashing out at him because he broke up with me. He even offered to 'take me back'. That's what most of the town still believes happened. That I'm a crazy bitch who accused their golden boy of doing something terrible because I didn't wanna lose him.
"The last time I saw my father he'd tricked me into being in the same room as Robin. He was trying to broker a reconciliation. Robin kept professing his love and apologizing for 'upsetting me', which he claimed he did by dumping me... I had another panic attack. I ended up in the hospital again. My mother filed for divorce after that, and I never saw my dad again."
"So you're telling me he justgot away with it?" Sam growls, and I shake my head, but then nod. And then shake my head again.
"They couldn't prove rape. By the time I'd told, it was too late for a, you know, kit. They were only able to prove assault because there were photos."
"He took pictures?!"
"Not him. Cam. I didn't even know about them until later. They were on his cell phone. He took them when I was asleep - of some of my injuries. Just in case. I didn't even think about doing that, but that's Cam, always thinking of everything."
Pain slices through me. I choke back a sob and look away. I can't talk about Cam with him. Not now, probably not ever.
"So this best friend of yours,Cam, he was supportive enough to photograph your injuries for the police, but then he abandoned you?" Sam asks, astonished.
I can't do this. I have to change the subject
"He didn't mean to. That's also complicated."
"Rory-"
"Robin got community service and probation. Which was basically nothing. And everyone thought I'd made it all up."
It's not like they saw the pictures, and it wasn't like I was going to show such intimate photos to random people.
"But my mom, she contacted the UFL athletics board herself, sent them the police report." And the photos, I later learned, because according to my mother,they needed to understand exactly what they were inviting onto their campus.
"Robin lost his scholarship. And thatwasn'tnothing. But everyone blamed me for ruining his career, his life. Nobody cared that he'd ruined my life, too.
"People were awful. His sister was basically their leader. I couldn't go to school anymore. My mom quit her job and home-schooled me, but even that didn't work. Lacey and her friends -myformer friends - started showing up at the house. They even spray paintedslutandliaron my driveway. At least I think it was them. It could've been my own father for all I know. I had a restraining order against Rob so he couldn't do his own dirty work. And Mayor Forbes sent men from his office a few times to try and get me to rescind the charges. They even wrote up a whole statement for me, saying I made it all up - all I had to do was sign."
"You didn't, though." Sam is sure.
"How do you know that? Maybe I did. Maybe I just wanted it all to stop." Ididwant it to stop. It was unbearable.
"Because you're strong. You didn't. I know you didn't." He doesn't doubt me, and his faith in my strength makes me feel stronger than I really am. Or maybe he's been right all along. Maybe I'm stronger than I thought.
"I didn't," I confirm. "I couldn't. He took so much from me - I couldn't let him take back the one thing I took from him. His career, his scholarship, was all that mattered to him. Anyway, as soon as my mom got the house sold, we moved here. And you know the rest."
Moments pass and we simply stare at each other.
