“Why didn’t you get close, Claire?”
She flinched, furious. Frightened. Alone, because shedidn’t realize that Tony was there for her.
“Why?”
“Because I held them!” she cried, the sobs choking her.“Because I told them I wouldn’t let them die and they did!Because every name on that wall was a time I was too tiredor too frustrated or too hung over. Because I went over totry and make a difference, and I didn’t make any differenceat all!”
Tony didn’t think he could hurt more. He didn’t think hecould be more afraid. He was. How had she survived thislong without breaking? How could she believe this of herself?
“But you did make a difference,” he insisted, trying so hard to keep his voice sane and level when he wanted toshout. He wanted to plead. “I’m here. I’m here because of you. Only because of you. Doesn’t that mean something?”
Again that fight for protection, for salvation. Again Tonystruggled to maintain his distance, his control, when all hewanted to do was pull her into his arms and just hold her.Just protect her. Just keep her safe from the monsters thatstill lurked from a twenty-year-old war.
“Please,” she pleaded, broken and sobbing. “Just let mego home. Let me get back to my life.”
And finally Tony had no choice but to give in to herwishes, because he could think of nothing else to keep herhere.
She had to get back into control. She had to think. Shehad to pretend that everything was all right.
Jess would be waiting at home. Jess who didn’t understand, who hadn’t ever understood what Claire’s insomniawas about or why she couldn’t watch “China Beach.” Jesswhose heart was so big she just wanted everything to be all right, so Claire made it that way for her.
Johnny would be standing in the kitchen like a personalchallenge. Johnny would know. He would recognize thesymptoms. He would understand implications, because he’dbeen there that night when Claire had opened the door to thehighway patrolmen.
She had to keep herself together for them. If she didn’t, she would be lost.
If my babies are all right, I’ll be all right.
Claire repeated that to herself all the way home as sherode in the passenger seat of Tony’s sports car, as shestopped for cold, wet paper towels to drape across her eyesin the hopes that the damage wouldn’t be too bad. As shedeliberately ignored him, when all she wanted to do was foldup into his lap and weep and weep and weep.
She couldn’t love him. She couldn’t open herself up tothat again. She couldn’t ask to hope, because when she’dbegun to hope, she’d begun to remember.
And there was no future in remembering.
She had to pull herself together. She couldn’t stop shaking and crying. She couldn’t think past her mantra. Past herchildren, who needed her.
Tony, please, she thought behind her closed eyes where hecouldn’t catch her. Make it better. Make it stop hurting so much. Make the ghosts go away.
But he didn’t hear her. She didn’t give voice to her plea.She just sat there holding that old plastic bag in her lap likea penance. Like an indictment.
“Lieutenant Maguire, looks like you can stop borrowing everybody else’s Purple Heart to impress the brass. You gotone of your own.”
Still sitting on the floor rocking Humbug in her arms, shecouldn’t even tell the chief of staff what he could with hisPurple Heart.
She still had it, though. Right there with all her otherribbons. Hidden away like a list of sins she couldn’t bring tothe confessional.
She sat silently not three feet from the man she’d fallen inlove with and knew that she didn’t deserve him, either.
“Prepare to smile and be friendly,” Tony advised, hisvoice only a little more distant since she’d turned down hisoffer of help. Since she’d told him to leave her alone and letthings be.
Don’t leave me alone, she begged silently. Don’t take yourlaughter out of my life.
Claire opened her eyes to find a real welcoming committee out there to greet her. Peaches, Nadine, Johnny, Jess,Pete, Gina. Even Bea, still dressed in her mobcap and gray.
“My God,” she breathed. “What did you tell them?”
“They told me, honey. Nadine showed up on your doorstep at about eight-thirty this morning wondering where youwere.”
Work. Oh, God, work. Claire hadn’t been thinking aboutthe new edict since Barbara’s unfortunate flouting of policy. She just hadn’t been thinking. Now she was going tohave to explain her absence. She was going to have to figure out a way to hold on to her job.
