Richard didn’t answer right away, taking a sip first. “Let’s take a second to think like Erik.”
“No.”
“No?” His perfect brows arched.
“It hurts too much.” Her voice broke, and she tilted her head down so Richard wouldn’t see the misery in her eyes. He nudged her chin up and tucked a lank strand of hair behind her ear.
“Your light is gone. It’s hard to see.” Richard patted her cheek, then leaned back. “So let’s imagine you’re an introvert who just wants to bake cakes. One night you run into a fire demon on the subway who entrances you with her heart-stopping beauty and her indomitable spirit.”
“That’s a generous interpretation.” She bent to scrounge around the floor near the couch in search of a hair tie. She’d given up caring about her normal grooming standards a few days ago and probably looked like she was wearing a fright wig.
“And then you quit your job and agree to work with the bossy fire demon to open your own bakery. She takes your picture and makes you a website and wants to put your face on a van. Is any of that something you thought you wanted?”
She paused with a fistful of straggly curls in one hand and an elastic in the other. “I suppose not.” She turned that idea around in her brain. “But he wasso angry, Richard.”
The memory of their fight was a punch to the gut, even days later. It was like he knew exactly what to say to cut right to the heart of every insecurity she harbored. Unwanted. Unwelcome. Unchosen. She’d told him about her mom, about her past. She’d laid herself bare in all her fashion-loving, impulse-following frivolity, and he’d held her and soothed her and accepted her as she was—until he hadn’t. Yet again, she hadn’t been worth the trouble, and that knowledge made it hard to breathe.
“It sounds like he was unkind, yes.” Richard nodded. “But he’d just been on television.Television.Imagine you’re Erik talking into a camera.”
She reclaimed her glass but couldn’t bring herself to do more than stare into it. “He hated every second.” Her cheeks flushed in shame yet again that she hadn’t thought it through.
“I’m sure he did.” Richard charged ahead with his logically laid-out argument. “I’m sure he felt like you were pushing your version of success on him. Has it occurred to you that he might have just wantedyouand not your help with his business?”
Someone wantingher.What a novel thought. Her clients wanted her for her marketing savvy. Her mom wanted her as a daughter accessory. Was it possible she’d let herself believe that Erik only wanted her if she was helping him?
Maybe Erik and Richard both had a point. Maybe she got her self-worth from helping others succeed. Maybe accepting that Erik loved her meant accepting that she was good enough on her own. And maybe she’d reacted so badly when the man she loved brought all this to her attention that she’d tossed a bomb into the middle of their relationship.
“I ruined everything,” she whispered.
Richard pursed his lips. “Do you think he was going to break up with you on Tuesday, regardless of what happened?”
“Well … No.” In truth, he’d given her zero indication that he’d planned in advance to end things. Which meant…
“Maybe it was just a fight,” Richard said. “And you both jumped to the worst possible conclusions.”
Josie’s brain turned this new idea around and pulled it apart to study its guts. They’d been happy. More than happy. This had just been a fight.
But that burgeoning spark of hope fizzled out when she remembered his words.I never wanted to want you. She loved him with hereverything, and he resented his feelings for her. She wanted to lie on the floor and howl at the unfairness of it until she dissolved into dust.
If he didn’t want to want her, she wouldn’t force her way back into his life. But there was one thing shecoulddo: she could show him that she’d heard what he’d said and that she was walking away from their relationship as a slightly better person. She could show him that she wanted him to have his business on his terms, not the ones she’d insisted on.
An idea formed in her mind, and she drained her glass and peeled herself off the couch, her mind clearer than it had been in days. “I’ve got a plan.”
“Is it a shower?” Richard eyed her stained shirt. “Because that might be a good place to start. You smell like the bottom of my gym bag.”
“Too mean,” she muttered as she shuffled toward the hallway. “You’re legally obligated to be nice to me until I sort myself out.”
“Be sure to wash your hair too!” was her best friend’s compassionate response.
In the bathroom, she stood under the spray and let the hot water wash over her. She’d learned to accept Erik’s love. That meant she could also learn to love herself, right? She could find her worth outside of work successes or her mother’s approval or any of the countless ways she’d spent her life seeking validation. Finn loved her regardless. So did Richard and Byron. Even Jake was fond of her in his own way. That was something. That was the start of thinking of herself as a person of value on her own merits.
Fifteen minutes later, she was clean, sweet-smelling, and seated in front of her laptop. While Richard clicked through the Netflix offerings and settled onBarbarian Time Brigands: The Quest for Dragons, she opened her design program, took a deep breath, and got to work on an apology the best way she knew how.
Thirty-Three
Everything was perfect, and Erik had never been more miserable.
“You ready?”
