“I think for you to feel okay here, in this—” I gestured around us “—in the scene of the lies where everybody knows what happened, you’re going to have to work a little harder than you’re used to. You’re going to have to get used to being accountable for what happened.” Her face fell, but I kept going. “Why would anyone trust you as a friend? You’re going to have to earn that. That still doesn’t mean you’re going to get it—with my mom or me.”
Her shoulders rose and fell with a deep breath.
“How’s Michelle?” I asked.
“She’s okay. Still in Anchorage.” She looked down at her coffee. “Maybe it’ll make you feel better to know she was—and still is—furious with me. She hated that we moved away and that I married your dad. She told me I deserved it when he cheated on me.”
I didn’t even know what to say to that, so I said nothing.
“She says she misses being friends with you,” Shelly added.
Michelle and I hadn’t been best friends, but we had been close-ish. Sort of like siblings. She had practically lived at our house as much as I’d lived at hers. Her behavior toward me after it all came out hadn’t been great. I had enough sense to recognize she was lashing out in her own way.
At the time, I felt like I’d gotten the short end of the stick. Like they had won my dad, and I’d been left behind in the wreckage. But sitting here now, I realized maybe that wasn’t how it worked out over time. Michelle had been moved away from her home, from her friends.
“Well, she’s welcome to reach out,” I said.
Hope flared again in Shelly’s eyes.
“You can give her my number. But it doesn’t mean you’re going to get whatever it is that you’re hoping to get from my mom or me. We can’t absolve you. Look, I’m not you. I haven’t had an affair with my best friend’s husband and blown a family apart. You’re going to have to do the work of coming to terms with that yourself. When all is said and done, it doesn’t mean you’re going to get what you want.” I paused before adding, “It’s not going to go away. What happened happened.”
Shelly nodded just as Janet stopped by the table, coffee pot in hand. She glanced between us. “How’s it going, ladies?”
I met Janet’s gaze, the warmth and understanding held there easing the anxiety racing through me in a loop of nervous energy. I was handling this better than I could’ve expected, but inside, I was rattled.
“It’s okay,” I said, knowing there was no sense in trying to gloss it over.
Shelly looked up at Janet, pain flickering in her eyes. “I really fucked up,” she said bluntly.
Janet nodded. “This is not going to be easy.”
“No, it’s not,” Shelly murmured before she asked, “Should I apologize to the whole town?”
Janet rolled her eyes. “Really, Shelly? Don’t be so dramatic. No, you shouldn’t apologize to the whole town. But the whole town knows. Or at least everybody who knew you and Tori’s father. We all make mistakes, and we all have to live with the mistakes and the consequences that come with them.”
Shelly nodded slowly. “I guess we do.”
Janet met my eyes again. “You okay?”
“I’m fine. Really,” I offered.
With a nod, she moved to another table.
Somehow, Shelly and I ended the conversation on a polite note. It felt, to me, that there was nothing left to add. After Shelly left, I sat there at the table for a while. I could even eat the bagel I’d gotten, which surprised me.
A few minutes later, Janet slid into the seat across from me. “How are you now, Tori?” she asked gently.
I snorted. “I’m actually okay. I’ve been putting off that conversation, or maybe avoiding it altogether. I don’t think Shelly got what she wanted out of it, but I feel okay.” I paused. “I actually feel a little bad for her.”
Janet nodded. “I do too. She made this mess for herself. We all know your dad was part of it, but he’s gone. She has to live with the repercussions on her own. I do believe she’s sorry, but I don’t think she’s grasping how deep the betrayal was. It feels like she’s hoping if she gets your mom back as a friend that she’ll find her own absolution.”
“Exactly.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Tori
That evening, my conversation with Shelly spun through my thoughts. I was surprised to discover that I felt relieved. As my mother had suggested I might.
