“Uh… c-celibacy challenge?” I scratch the back of my neck, and the clocktick-schlocksfor an uncomfortable number of beats before I manage, “Lissa wants us to spend time together going on dates and improving our relationship in the lead-up to the wedding. Not, you know, having sex. It’s a thing. Online.”
“I see. And you compromised on that?”
I lean forward and gulp some of my water. “I, uh, might’ve thought she was joking, at first,” I admit. “Because sixmonths… I mean, since high school, I haven’t… uh. Anyway. She got pretty upset. Like, ‘How come you can hang out withAmesall the time and not have sex?’” I shake my head. “And I was like, ‘Because Ames is my best friend.’ And… anyway, it kinda got worse from there.”
Dr. Colburn frowns. “How so?”
I sigh. “Look, I know everyone says things they don’t mean when they’re angry. But Lissa said some stuff about how Ames probably wouldn’t mind having sex with me.” I meet Dr. Colburn’s eyes. “Just because Ames is gay doesn’t mean he’s into me. That’s not how it works.”
“No, of course not.”
I nod once. “It really riled me up because people have said stuff like that to us since we were kids. It’s like they don’t know what being a best friend means. Ames became a firefighter because I wanted to be one, and he wanted to watch my back. We have matching tattoos, for god’s sake. Ilove Ames, but we’re not, you know, compatible that way. Romantically.”
“Because… you’re not attracted to him?” the doctor guesses.
“That. Sure. But it’s not just that I’m straight. I’ve always wanted the whole settled-down, picket-fence thing. And until recently, I figured Ames would probably be totally happy just hooking up with new people for the rest of his life. One time, we were on this camping trip, drinking a little, and I was like, ‘Hey, Ames, if we’re not married by the time we’re thirty, we should get married. Like, as best friends.’ It was a joke. Mostly. And Ames…” I chuckle to myself, remembering the look of outraged horror on his face. “He was like, ‘Hey, Robert, how about you fuck right off with your heteronormative bullshit? I’d ratherdie alonethan be your sexless marriage backup plan, thank you.’ Which… fair enough.” It’s only when I run out of words that I realize I’ve forgotten the initial question. “Uh. Sorry. Big tangent there, huh?”
“Not at all. This is extremely enlightening.”
I shrug uncomfortably and wonder how many more notes she’s added. “If you say so.”
“How’d the argument with Lissa end?”
“Oh.” I rub my lower lip with my thumb. “Well, she shouldn’t’ve said what she said about Ames, but maybe if I’d been a better fiancé, she wouldn’t have felt like it was competition. A-and I want her to know I’m here to support her in whatever she needs. So I agreed to the celibacy challenge. And things have been great since then.” I pick at my jeans again and mutter, “Better than things with me and Ames have been, since he got his new boyfriend.”
“Ames has a boyfriend? So hedoesdo relationships?”
“This is his first.” I gnaw on a corner of my thumbnail. “But it’s… weird, honestly. He’s been all secretive about the guy. When I proposed to Lissa on Valentine’s Day, we went to tell Ames, right? And he was like, ‘Congrats… and also this is my boyfriend, Erick.’ Then he wrapped himself around some guy I’d never seen before.” I shake my head. “We talkeveryday. Why wouldn’t he tell me he was dating someone?”
“Did you ask him?”
“Yeah. He said he didn’t want to tell me they were ‘talking’ in case it didn’t work out. He apologized too. Like, ‘Sorry, Rob. I should’ve told you.’”
“And what did you say?”
I blink. “I accepted his apology, of course.”
“And did you tell him how you felt? Because it sounds like you might have been confused, or hurt?—?”
“Why would I do that? He’d alreadyapologized,” I repeat. I’m not sure what I’m not conveying here. “I’m not gonna hammer on the guy. If I’m still feeling some kind of way, that’s on me. Besides, I thought it was over. Like, okay, he didn’t tell me, and that sucked, but… move on.”
“Hmm.”
“Except we didn’t move on.” I gulp down the rest of my water. “Last week, I pushed him about Erick—just, you know, ‘Why can’t I meet him?’ And ‘If this guy’s not treating you right, you should end it.’ And Ames agreed, I thought. But since then, he’s avoided me. He’s not answering my texts like usual. At Axford family dinner, he spent the whole time in the kitchen, teaching his brother’s boyfriend to make rolls instead of watching hockey with me. And at drill, I asked him what was up, and he was like, ‘Nothing! I’m fine! Just busy!’” I clear my throat andwish I had more water. “Ames has never been too busy for me in his life until now, so.”
“I see,” Dr. Colburn says, but she doesn’t share exactly what she sees. “I don’t suppose you’ve told him how you feel?”
I shake my head. “What do you want me to say? ‘Ames, you’re not giving me enough attention because you have a new boyfriend.’ Or ‘Amesie, I’m sad because you’re not answering my texts right away.’” I snort. “No.”
“You could say exactly those things, if that’s how you feel. Especially to your best friend.”
“I prefer not to push my emotions onto other people. I’m like a… a sailboat on a calm lake, moving with the breeze and the tide.” I rock one hand gently. “I don’t cause hurricanes, I ride ’em out.” I try for a smile.
Dr. Colburn sets down her tea and takes off her glasses, cleaning them slowly with a soft cloth from her pocket. When she puts them back on, her expression is thoughtful. “Robbie, I’d like to circle back to something you said earlier about not being good at making decisions.”
“Uh… okay?” I can’t imagine how that will help, but I’ll play along.
“From what you’ve told me today, I’m seeing a pattern,” she says gently. “Now, I don’t know if it’s true or not. That’s for you to decide. I’m just sharing an observation.”
