“Would you say you often feel that way, Robbie? That you’re not good at making decisions?”
“Oh, god no. I’m a firefighter. I make life-or-death calls all the time. I meant deciding little things. Things I don’t have strong opinions about. Which is most stuff, frankly, ’cause I’m pretty easygoing.” I shrug. “Drives my best friend crazy, but I remind Ames all the time it’s a feature, not a bug.”
“Hmm.” She studies me over her glasses. “But when you do have strong opinions, do you share them with Lissa?”
“Sure.” Honesty requires me to add, “In theory.”
“Could you give me a nontheoretical example?”
I open my mouth, then close it again, but my mind is a clean, blank slate. I am officially failing therapy. “Not… really?”
She laughs gently. “What about with bigger, non-wedding things? What do you do when your vision of the future and your fiancée’s don’t align?”
“I’d tell her, if that happened. But we have the same vision. To be happy and settled. To have kids and raise them in a strong community like Winsome. To have the kind of family where everyone’s welcome, like Ames and the Axfords were for me as a kid.” I shrug. “I mean, who wouldn’t want that, right?” I pick at a frayed spot on my jeans and add, “I… I do think sometimes Lissa wishes my job was a little less intense. But she knows I love it, so it’s not like she’d expect me to change careers.”
Dr. Colburn lifts an eyebrow. “Happiness looks likedifferent things to different people, doesn’t it? So do ‘being settled’ and ‘raising kids.’ Have you talked about specifics?”
“Some, sure. But we mostly take things as they come. And it’s worked so far. We hardly ever argue.”
Now, both eyebrows lift nearly to her hairline. “Really.”
“Well… yeah.” I’m surprised by her surprise. “We’re good at compromising.”
She makes another note on her pad, and I mentally review what accidentally revealing thing I’ve said.
“What sorts of thingsdoyou argue about, when you argue? What are the stressors in your relationship?”
This is what I mean about focusing on the negative. It makes my stomach sour.
“Uh.” I crack my neck from side to side. “I dunno. One thing, I guess, is my brother? Lissa doesn’t like him.”
“Oh. Why’s that?”
“Mike’s… not in a great place. I think I told you our parents died a few years ago—two kinds of cancer, three years apart? Right after that, Mike lost his job, and it all kinda… spiraled. He drank a lot. Got kicked out of the Shed more than once. Got into a fight at a different bar out on Route 2, also, and that time, someone said Mike had a knife, though they couldn’t prove it.” I wince. “It was so bad his wife filed for divorce—and rightly so, since Anna needed to keep herself and the girls away from all that. But now, Mike’s been trying to get back on his feet, and he doesn’t have anyone but me to help. We’re the only family we’ve got.”
“What kind of help?” She frowns.
“The usual.” I shrug. “I babysit when Mike has to workon his custody weekends—though, actually,” I add with a laugh, “these days, it’s more like driving the girls places, since they’re twelve and sixteen and have busier social lives than I do. I put in a good word when Mike needed a job. And I, uh…” I clear my throat. “I used to give him money.”
“Used to.”
“Yeah, I stopped after last Christmas. I gave him money to buy presents for the girls, but he used most of it on a new phone. I get that he needed the phone for work, but…” I trail off with a shrug.
Dr. Colburn waits patiently.
“I’ve had this back-and-forth with Ames for years. He says Mike’s only nice to me when he wants something. I’ve always defended Mike, saying he’s just figuring shit out. It got to the point where Ames couldn’t take it and asked me not to tell him about it. After the stuff at Christmas… I realized Ames is right. So now I’m trying to change the pattern so our relationship can improve. And for me, that means no more money.”
“And has it helped?”
“Not yet. He calls me ‘selfish,’ but I hope he’ll come around. Maybe when he gets his shit together. We’re family, and that means something, right? It’s not like I can cut off my ownbrother. And I like helping him with the girls. They’re my nieces. They’re family too.”
“Does this stuff with Mike cause tension in your relationship with Lissa?”
I open my mouth, then shut it again. “I mean, yeah. She wants me focused onourrelationship,ourfuture. And I try to show her I am. But I’m not gonna give up my family just to please her. That’s not how compromiseworks. Kinda like when she wanted us to make that stupid celibacy—er. Never mind.”
My face goes red. I can’t believe I just said that out loud.
“The what?”
