I shake my head again, more firmly this time. “I care about her. A lot. I like her better than any girl I’ve ever dated. I thought maybe that’s what being in love was, or close enough anyway. It seemed like she—hell,everyone, really, including me—felt the next logical step was getting married, so I proposed. But then I started to recognize that a lot of things about our relationship aren’t as good and settled as I’d thought. And we haven’t really talked about any of it. We’ve both been kicking the can down the road, so to speak. I kept telling myself we’d work out the details of our future later, but… some of those details are pretty damn important.”
“Like the detail that you love someone else?” Anna squeezes my hand.
“Yeah. That too.” I huff out a laugh. “Though I didn’t see that for what it was until recently. I loved Ames, but I didn’t know I was capable of… of beingin lovewith him. And then suddenly, I looked at him differently, and I realized… his gender didn’t matter to me. It’shimthat I want.”
“Physically too?”
“Oh yeah.” I feel myself blushing hotter, but I manage to continue because it feels important to say this. To put it into words. “For a minute there, I questioned myself because I don’t feel attracted to every guy in the locker room. But then I realized I’m not attracted to every woman I meet either. Not at all. For me, it’s always been very… person-specific?”
“Totally.” She grips my hand harder. “I think lots of us feel that way.”
I blow out a breath and feel some tension unknot in my shoulders. It helps knowing she doesn’t think this is weird.
“Well, so, the thing is… Ames has always been my person. You know?”
“Oh yeah,” she laughs. “I think everyone knows.” She pulls a face. “Probably even Lissa.”
“Yeah.” I feel a pang of guilt for all the times Lissa was jealous and I told her not to be. She was right all along. “It’s silly, thinking about it now, but I… I didn’t realize how weird it was to be marrying someone whowasn’tthe most important person in your life until Ames tried to give me space. It felt like I was losing something necessary. Something I couldn’t live without.”
“Aw, Rob.”
“Yeah, well.” I roll my eyes at myself. “Even after realizing that, I didn’ttotallyget what was happening. Youknow me. I was still overthinking, trying to see things from all sides, trying to make sure I made therightdecision so I didn’t let anyone down. And then the fire happened.”
I take a shaky breath, remembering those adrenaline-soaked moments when I pulled Ames out of the blaze. “I realized that while my mind was drifting in circles, trying to avoid conflict, I could’ve lost Ames. Lost himforever, Anna. And I knew then. Everything else burned away, and all that was left was the truth.” I take another breath, steadier now. “I love him.”
Anna’s mouth is pulled down in an exaggerated frown, and her eyes are shiny. “Fuck. That’s so beautiful.”
“I want to be as close to him as humanly possible, in every way. I want to… give him pleasure. I want him to give me pleasure.” I meet Anna’s eyes, but she’s nodding along, unfazed by anything I’m saying, and I say a silent prayer of thanks to Mike, of all people, because Ames is right—Anna and the girls are the best things Mike’s ever given me. “I want everything with Ames. A future. A family. Every minute we’re allowed to have together.”
She blows out a breath. “Damn. I was already Team Robbie and Ames, but this seals the deal.”
I laugh a little. “I mean… thanks? But it’s not quite a sealed deal. I know whatIwant, but I still need to, ah… communicate it, as my therapist would say. And then pray Ames feels the same. Haven’t quite figured out how I’m going to do any of that.”
“You need to talk to Lissa, first off,” Anna instructs. “Like, soon.”
I nod slowly. “Oh, yeah. No, I promise, I’m done with the back-and-forth. I’m all in. Lissa’s getting back from atrip to New York tomorrow. I’ll call her and set up a time to talk. It’s gonna suck, though.”
“It will. But not as much as living a lie. And it sounds like there were a lot of potential problems in your relationship aside from this. Stuff maybe she hasn’t even realized was looming on the horizon.”
“Icebergs in the water,” I confirm. “But after that… How do I talk to Ames? Like, ‘Hey, FYI, I’m not as straight as I thought, and oh, by the way, I think maybe my platonic friendship feels for you aren’t so platonic, and maybe haven’t ever been, I just wasn’t ready to see it?’”
“Yep. Just like that. Maybe make sure he’s not drinking water while you say it so he doesn’t choke.” She laughs, and I do too. “Honey, it’s gonna be great. This will be like Christmas morning for him. Unless I’m wrong—and, let’s be honest, I’m rarely wrong—” She bounces her eyebrows and makes me laugh again. “Ames has feelings for you too.”
“I hope so.” I take a deep breath and force a smile, but I’m not nearly as confident. There area lotof hurdles to clear here.
Like Auden, who seems really nice and makes Ames laugh, even if they’re on a “break,” or whatever Ames called it.
And the fact that I’m not sure what kind of a relationship Ames is looking for right now.
And hell, ifIhad trouble convincingmyselfthat what I felt for Ames was real, it might be impossible to gethimto believe it.
It’s not nearly as smooth sailing as Anna wants to think. Especially for a guy who’s just figured out where the rudder on his boat is.
Anna must read this on my face because her smile turns wry. “Okay, I admit he might need a little convincing,” she allows. “Because he’s stubborn as fuck. But I happen to know that as stubborn as Ames is, there’sno onemore stubborn than Robbie Wojcik. Not when you’ve set your mind to something.” She ducks her head to meet my eyes. “So you just need to out-stubborn him, baby.”
“Just that easy, huh?”
She laughs. “Easy, schmeazy. Just thatworth it.”
