Not the holy-shit-am-I-bi reason, of course. But the holy-shit-am-I-going-to-risk-everything reasons still apply.
The cafeteria’s small but mostly empty at this hour. Lissa points me toward the tables while she goes to order our food. I stare out the wall of windows that overlooks the parking lot, but what I’m seeing in my mind isn’t out there.
Ames’s relief when he saw me this morning.
The way he held my hand and asked ifIwas okay, like he wasn’t the one who nearly died.
The way I couldn’t keep from running my finger over his biceps this morning, and the way his breath caught when I did.
“Here you go, honeybunch.” Lissa slides a turkey sandwich in front of me. “Eat, please. You look awful.”
I pick up the sandwich and obediently unwrap it, but my stomach’s churning so badly I can’t take a bite.
“I’m so relieved Ames is okay! Do you think I should text him some otter memes? I still don’t understand his fascination—they look like wet rats to me. But you said helikes them.” Lissa opens her salad and a tiny container of dressing.
It’s on the tip of my brain to tell her about winning Ames a silly stuffed otter at a fair when we were kids, about our “otter-truth” joke… but none of it will make sense to her, and I realize, with a rush of weariness, she probably doesn’t actually want to know.
This is the woman I’m marrying.
Shouldn’t she want to know? If she loves me?
Shouldn’t I want to tell her, if I love her?
What the fuck am I doing here?
“You must be relieved too, huh?” Lissa goes on. She spears a piece of lettuce on her fork and dips it in the dressing. “I wish you’d answered my call last night. I would’ve come and gotten you. Then you wouldn’t’ve had to spend the night in a chair.”
I open my mouth to take a bite of sandwich, mostly to push down the hot, ugly…something… that feels like it’s taking over my gut.
“And you didn’t tell me Ames was dating someone!”
“Pretty sure I did,” I murmur.
“Well, you didn’t tell me they’re so cute together. I love that sunflowers are both of their favorite flowers. It’s like… fate.”
The hot, ugly thing morphs and twists, and I set the sandwich down again, unbitten.
Does Lissa know what my favorite flower is?
Ames told Auden he loves sunflowers, but we both know his favorite is red tulips. Vivian plants them all around the Abigail every fall. Hell, I have tulip bulbs planted up and down the walkway in front of my house that’ll be sprouting any day now.
So why didn’t Ames tell him?
“Eat, Robbie,” Lissa chides like I’m five.
I shake my head and rewrap the sandwich. “Not hungry after all.”
She shakes her head. “You were up all night. You need energy?—”
“I know what I fuckingneed, okay?” It comes out sharper than I intended. “Sorry,” I add quickly. “Sorry. I know you’re trying to help, but I’m not in a good place. That’s why I didn’t call you last night. That’s why I specifically asked you not to come when you texted this morning.”
Lissa presses her lips together. “Excuse me for trying to be a supportive partner,” she says in an injured tone. “What’s going on with you?”
What’s going on is that my best friend almost died.
What’s going on is that I found out he’s in love with me… and I don’t know what to do with that.
What’s going on is that I suddenly can’t look at him without seeing the line of his jaw and the curve of his throat, without wondering what he fucking tastes like, and I feel like someone’s turned on a light I didn’t know was off.
