“I didn’t know it was for sale,” Dad says. “Looking for a place with more bedrooms?”
“Not exactly,” Ed says.
Mom keeps looking at Katherine. Her gaze flits to her stomach and then back to Ed and then to Katherine. “Where are you moving?”
“Closer to town,” Katherine says and swallows audibly.
“I want a shorter commute,” Ed says. “Especially if we’re lucky enough to have children. I want to be able to put them to bed.”
“You’re moving away from Duxbury?” Mom snaps. “Where are you going?”
“Somerville,” Ed says. Ed’s always the most relaxed guy in the room, but even he looks a little nervous right now.
“Somerville?” Mom screams. “Why on earth would you want to move there? That’s forty minutes to an hour from here.”
“It puts me a lot closer to the office. I could walk to work if I wanted. And we’re closer to the airport. I need to be in New York a lot, as you know. It makes sense for us as a family.”
My mom puts her hand on her chest dramatically, as if only her hand is holding her heart inside her body. “But it doesn’t make sense forusas a family. When am I going to see my grandchildren?”
“You’re not going to be far away, Mom,” Katherine says.
She huffs. “But I’m not going to be around the corner either. Am I? I’m not going to be able to pop in whenever I like. I won’t be able to come around with a pie or groceries when you’re too exhausted to do anything. You’re going to need the help. And what about as your father and I get older?”
“We’re not going to be that far away,” Ed repeats as my dad pats my mom on the leg, trying to get her to calm down.
“Do you hear this, Jerry? They’re moving.”
“I heard them,” Dad says. “They have to do what makes sense for them.”
“But it doesn’t make sense to raise children close to the city. You’ll have less green space. You’ll be caught up in all the traffic.”
“You’ll love the place,” Ed says, cutting off Mom’s objections. “It’s an old-fashioned Cape Cod with a big backyard. It’s perfect for kids.”
Mom turns to Katherine. “And this is what you want? Or is Ed pushing you into it?”
“Mom!” I say.
“I’m sorry, Mom,” Katherine says. “This is whatwewant. It’s a beautiful house, and Ed works so hard. He wants to be a hands-on father, and that’s hard with his job. This makes it easier.”
We, we, we. Katherine’s awewith Ed now. She and I used to be awe. Maybe we still are. But I can’t help thinking that I need my own partner to be the other half of mywe. My mind is still so full of Hunter. I can’t think about it being anyone but him.
“So you just expect us to drive across the city every day when you have children?” Mom says. “It’s selfish, Katherine. That’s what this is. Pure selfishness.”
But it’s not selfish. It’s just not what Mom wants. She’s the one being selfish. She’s only seeing this from her perspective. But it’s not her life. It’s Katherine and Ed’s life. I’ve never seen my mother’s self-serving behavior so clearly. Her love is entirely conditional upon Katherine and me doing what she wants. Katherine has always been happy to go along with Mom’s demands. She went to the college Mom wanted her to go to, became a teacher because Mom thought it was a good idea. Now, for the first time ever, Katherine is doing something Mom doesn’t approve of. I’ve never seen it so starkly. I was always the black sheep of the family because I wasn’t playing Mom’s game. I moved to New York City, away from her interference. She had less power over me there. And she didn’t like it. So she made me feel bad.
Thank God I moved. She’s still had more control over me than she should have. She was alwaysthere, even when she wasn’t. The mirror in the hallway, the bowl on my coffee table, the voice in my head telling me I wasn’t good enough.
It’s so clear to me.
“What about your job?” Mom says, her voice trembling.
“I’ll have a commute this semester while I look for something a little closer to where we live. But it’s not that far.”
“I suppose you’ll be pregnant by then. You can resign.”
“I’m not going to resign if I get pregnant. I want to work. It’s another reason we want to go to the city. There are more opportunities.I want our kids to be surrounded by more of the world,” Katherine says. “I want them to wake up and be surrounded by possibility.”
Mom rolls her eyes. “You’ll be back, mark my words. You’ll need our help and you’ll be back.”
