Except I don’t think they will move back. Katherine’s married now, and she has a life outside my parents. Outside Mom. She’s tasted freedom. There will be no going back now.
There’s a sudden burst of energy within me. I haven’t lived here for years now, but Mom’s been right on my shoulder everywhere I go. I’ve been trapped, worried I’m not good enough, for what? For whom? A mother who’s trying to control her daughters by withdrawing her approval when they want different things from her.
It’s as if a thousand strings have snapped all at once. Now that I can see it, I’m finally free. I’m only going to get my mom’s approval when I’m doing what she wants.
Well, I want different things than she does. I want more for myself than she believes I can have.
“I’m studying for my LSAT,” I announce. I want to take the pressure off Katherine. She’s not used to Mom’s disapproval like I am. I can handle it. I’ve had plenty of practice.
“What?” Mom hisses.
“That’s great,” Ed says. Katherine beams at me.
“I’m going to sit for the LSAT,” I say. “And if I get a good score, I might go to law school.” I take a strawberry off the pile of fruit in the middle of the table and sink my teeth into it. It’s the sweetest strawberry I’ve ever tasted.
“Law school? Where are you going to get the money for law school?” Mom asks.
I figure they’ve given Katherine about fifty thousand dollars if you take into account the contribution to the wedding and the honeymoon. And they don’t know that my law firm is offering to sponsor me.
“I’ll figure it out,” I say. I don’t need to explain myself to my mom anymore. I don’t need to justify it. If I’d announced this a couple ofmonths ago, I would have felt sick to my stomach that I didn’t have their support. But now, I accept it. And I’ll do what I want.
“Figure it out?” Mom asks. “How do you think you’ll just figure it out? Don’t think your father and I are going to be cosigning anything. We have to think of our retirement.”
“I’m not expecting anything more than I’d usually get from you, Mom.” Finally, I’ve realized, it doesn’t matter what I do or how hard I try to be better for my mom, it’s never going to be enough. She’s never going to stop wanting more from me. Nothing’s ever going to make her happy as far as I’m concerned.
“Well, what does that mean?” she asks snippily.
“It means that I’m done hoping for more, Mom. I’m through with trying to do better so you’ll be nicer to me, so you’ll stop with the criticisms and the put-downs. I get it. You’re always going to think I’m not good enough.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t know what you mean, I’m—”
“There’s no point in pretending it’s not happening, Mom. And you know what? You’re never going to change, and that’s fine. I accept it. But I’m going to do things differently from here on out. I’m going to want better for myself. And maybe I’m going to stay with Katherine and Ed when I come to Boston.” If nothing else it will mean I don’t have to put up with the stupid lighthouse wallpaper. “And honestly, I think I’ll stay at the Harbor Inn tonight.”
“The Harbor Inn?” Mom’s voice is bordering on a shriek. “What on earth do you mean, you’ll stay at the Harbor Inn?” For a second, I think Mom’s actually upset at the idea of losing me. And then she says, “Janine might be working. Whatever will she think?”
It doesn’t surprise me that my mother is more concerned about what her hairdresser—who does a couple of shifts on reception at the Harbor Inn—will think than the fact that her daughter doesn’t want to stay under her roof. I wish I was less disappointed. Maybe there will always be a part of me that wants my mom’s approval, but it’s never been clearer to me that I won’t get it.
I head up to my old bedroom and grab my suitcase. At least I didn’t unpack.
There’s a quiet knock at the door. I look up and my dad pokes his head in. “Come on, now,” he says. “There’s no need for you to go anywhere.”
I sigh and set my case onto its wheels. “Actually, Dad, I think there is. I’m miserable when I’m around her.”
“She’s not that bad,” he says, his forehead furrowed and his eyes sad.
“Not to you, maybe. I’m done being her punching bag. What mother reacts to their daughter wanting to go to law school like that?”
“You know she doesn’t like change. That’s all this is. When she’s had a chance to think about it, I’m sure she’ll come around. You know how she is—she’s just worried about money.”
I huff out a laugh. “Not so worried that you didn’t spend a fortune on Katherine’s wedding. And the gift.”
Dad has the good sense to look embarrassed.
“I’m not prepared to do this dance we do anymore, Dad. I love you. But honestly, you’ve watched this for years and you’ve never said anything. You’ve never defended me or told her to tone it down. I’m done.”
Then I pick up my bag, press a kiss to his cheek, and leave.
Chapter Thirty-Two
