Ben’s eyebrows rose. “You did? How did you like it?”
“I liked it. I thought I’d feel out of place, but everyone was so nice.”
“There are a lot of good people in this town, and the best of them can usually be found in church on Sundays.”
She hadn’t seen him at church. She was certain he’d been raised attending church.
“I didn’t see you there. I mean, you’re one of the most charitable people in town.” Her voice dropped, and she glanced away. She sounded like Debbie. When he didn’t respond, she glanced up at him.
Ben twisted his wedding band as he stared at Melanie’s picture on the mantle.
She shouldn’t have brought up church. It was obviously a touchy subject for Ben.
He cleared his throat. “I haven’t gone since the funeral.”
She gave him a look of understanding even though she had no idea what he was going through.
He surprised her when he spoke again. “I can’t bear to see the pity in everyone’s eyes.” Then his voice dropped. “And church is the last place I belong while I’m angry with God.”
“I take it you’re angry at him for taking your wife?” When Ben gave the slightest nod, she went on. “I guess, I understand why you feel like that, but I’m not sure I see it that way.”
“What do you mean?” Ben’s brow wrinkled, and he studied her like she’d lost her mind.
Maybe she had. What did she know about God?
“I’ve always believed God existed, but I’ve never had enough of a relationship with him to blame or credit him for the things that have happened in my life. I felt like He never played much of a role.” She shrugged. “I’ve had plenty of bad things happen, but I never felt the need to blame God for them. I always knew who was at fault. Sometimes, the fault was mine.” Most of the time, though, it had been her mother.
“Yeah, well, I don’t know who’s at fault. If I did, I’d have my daughter back.” Pain laced his words, and Amy’s heart twisted.
“You’re right. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything. I just never thought much about God until I came here.”
“What made you start thinking about Him now?” Ben leaned forward in his seat as though genuinely curious to hear her answer.
She shrugged, unsure how to express all the little things she’d experienced since coming to Providence that told her she wasn’t in control of her life. Would he laugh if she told him she felt like she was meant to break down here? Telling him she knew she was supposed to somehow find his daughter would not only sound crazy, it would cause him more pain.
She gave him a half-smile. “I always thought if something good happened to me, it was because I worked hard and earned it. And of course, I knew where to place the blame for the bad things.” She didn’t want to think about the bad things. “But, from the time my car broke down, which seemed like a bad thing, I’ve felt like someone or something meant for me to be here, in Providence. And good things—that I can’t take credit for—keep happening.”
“Breaking your toe was a good thing?” Ben asked, attempting to suppress a smile.
“No. That was bad, and totally my fault. I mean you... or rather your help, your parents’ generosity, and the job that fell in my lap. I don’t feel like I can take credit for any of it. Is it crazy to think a god I barely believe in is guiding the little details of my life?”
“I used to think God cared about every little detail of my life, but...”
Amy didn’t know what to say. Ben was hurting. She shouldn’t have brought up God. She wanted to tell him God still loved him even though he’d lost his wife and daughter, but she couldn’t. Surely a god, who loved his children, wouldn’t stand by and watch a good man like Ben suffer.
Kallie got to her feet and ran after the ball that rolled toward Ben.
“When did she learn to crawl?” Ben asked, changing the subject.
Amy silently thanked him. She’d gotten in way over her head talking about God.
“She started with the army crawl around eight months and by nine months she was up on all fours and unstoppable.”
“Cassey had learned to roll and started sitting up on her own when...”
Emotion tightened Amy’s throat, making it difficult to breathe. “I’m so sorry, Ben.” The words sounded trite, considering the depth of his pain.
He cleared his throat. “Tell me more about Kallie, when did she start walking?”
