Charlotte looks over at Riley, who is sucking her cheek in and clearly trying to evade any eye contact. After a few excruciating seconds of silence, Charlotte grabs the mic, only to avoid further humiliation.
“I’ll take one for the team,” she snaps at Riley, taking center stage while the other women shuffle to the back.
Charlotte clears her throat and shields her eyes from the harsh lighting, squinting again to look out across the whole room. Contemplating whether she’ll stick the microphone up the ass of the first person who looks at her funny, the alcohol in her system spurs her on to talk.
“Well,” she accidentally yells, voice cracking, clearing her throat once more. “Well. Hello.” She takes a breath and puts her hand on her hip. “Hi.”
“Great start!” she hears someone behind her whisper—must be Riley. The hairs on the back of Charlotte’s neck stand up and she makes a mental note to make her windpipe fantasies come true at the first available opportunity.
“So. Gabrielle and Lou. Lou and… Gabrielle. That’s… these two women over here,” she stutters. “The happy couple.”
The silence in the room is deafening. She turns around to the other women, and wordlessly asks if this was good enough to pass as a speech. She is met with all of them giving her a thumbs up as to say‘keep going!’.
Charlotte feels something bubbling inside her chest. This isn’t how she's is gonna go; public speaking is notgoing to be the great Charlotte Norwich’s demise. And if it is, she sure as hell will take the others with her.
“Alright, I assume everybody here knows that Gabi and I have been friends for a million years now. But how about I tell everybody how I met her lovely fiancée Lou over here?”
“Charlotte, no,” a voice warns behind her, that she chooses to ignore.
“Gabrielle and I used to be roommates, before these two became inseparable,” she continues. Her newfound vigor causes her to pace the stage.
"We had a few house rules, most of them initiated by Gabi of course. But the one she was most adamant about, was‘absolutely no boys, Charlie',” she says, mimicking Gabi’s low voice. “And I, the amazing friend that I am, never asked her if that same rule applied to her. Because I trusted that she wouldn’t. Our holy virgin mother Mary over here."
She gracefully points at Gabi, who turns an interesting shade of red.
“And I have to admit, even I make mistakes sometimes. Like the one time I’d just been out on a date, a really nice date, he brought me home and—well, we made out in the hallway, I suppose. My bad, fair enough. But when the cool, calm, and collected Gabrielle caught us there, she exploded like an atomic bomb. Gave the both of us a total earful, scared him away, naturally, and I was on the receiving end of a very long monologue about friendship, trust, and boundaries. Which would be fair, if…”
The couple behind her holds their breath in anticipation. A high whine escapes from Lou’s throat.
“If not for the fact that only a few days later, I come home from work early, and what view am I being blessed with? Oh you guessed it, people! A full blast, uncensored pornographic scene, performed by your leading ladies Lou and Gabi, in the kitchen nonetheless. What an incredible day to have eyes. And the worst part: on the counter, in its full glory, is this big, fat, eight inch silicone—"
“Okay that’s enough!” Gabi shrieks, trying to grab the mic from Charlotte’s hands, who now surprisingly enough doesn’t want to give it up. Guests start murmuring again, and Charlotte can just make out Hannah’s silhouette walking out with the twins. Nice.
“But because I’m such a forgiving person, you have my full blessing!” Charlotte all but yells in the microphone that she and Gabi are now fighting over. “To the happy horny couple!” She raises her glass and finally gives up her iron grip, turns around with flair and crosses paths with Riley.
“Your turn. Eat shit,” she whispers when sheaccidentallybumps into her shoulder.
“Such sportsmanship,” Riley murmurs from the corner of her mouth.
Charlotte takes Riley’s place in the back and crosses her arms with a lazy smile—she has done pretty well, she thinks. She highly doubts Riley will display any skill or grace, talking to a room full of people like this. Oh, thisis going to be good. Licking her lips, she watches as Riley takes the spotlight.
Mere minutes later, Charlotte learns about the consequences of making unsubstantiated assumptions. Nothing could have prepared her for the mere elegance, the striking confidence that radiates from Riley when she talks. Charlotte finds herself completely thunderstruck at Riley’s clearly well-prepared and loving speech for the couple. Clenching her teeth so as not to let her mouth hang open, she follows her every move—from the casual pacing, her laid back posture, to the eloquently chosen words. It is the most stupid and impressive thing Charlotte has ever witnessed, and she can only see her from the back.
“…and I mean it with my entire heart when I say: I’m truly honored to be your maid of honorslashbest man, Lou. I’ll wear a bow tie and everything,” Riley chuckles, as she playfully tugs the collar of her blazer. Someone in the back of the room wolf whistles, which makes Riley point at them and treat them to a quick wink. Charlotte feels the heat rise to her cheeks.
“Finally, I’d like to add…” Riley continues, holding her hand up to excuse herself. She turns around to jog toward Charlotte, who breaks from her trance when her hand is grabbed and she gets pulled to the front of the stage again.Here we go,she thinks.
“…that both Charlotte and I couldn’t possibly think of anyone we’d rather prepare the wedding with, than eachother. This—” she gestures between the both of them, “...is pure wedding material.”
Charlotte can feel Riley smirk at her own double entendre. The music swells; a sign they should be wrapping up.
Putting on her fake smile again, Charlotte snarls: “I’m going to kill you.”
“Oh please, and do it slowly,” Riley says hoarsely, careful not to let those words reach the microphone.
If the alcohol percentage in Charlotte’s blood had only been a tad higher she would’ve hurled her off the stage.
2
