Alina put her hand down, and I approached her, but instead of stepping closer to the doorbell, I took the stairs.
I needed to see him. I needed him to look me in the eyes. I needed to keep him at bay. Because if he did indeed only wantsex then I couldn’t let him in. I couldn’t let him come upstairs into my home and back into my life.
My hand trembled as I reached for the door handle, and I steadied it with my other hand. I inhaled, exhaled, and answered the door.
“Samir,” he said, and as soon as his gaze met mine, it took all my resolve not to fall into his arms.
Gosh, I was pathetic. I was seriously so pathetic. I was forty-one years old for crying out loud. I shouldn’t be acting like a pubescent teenager. This man had hurt me. I’d let him into my life, I’d trusted him with my heart and my body, and he’d treated me like dirt.
Focus, Samir.
“Cole. What do you want?” I said in my best icy tone.
Cole’s head dropped, and he closed his eyes. His shoulders sagged.
“You have every right to be mad at me. Every right to tell me to go fuck myself and never bother you again. That’s what I would do, but… I just… I want to explain. To apologize.”
My heart thumped, making me all shaky and woozy, but I held my ground.
“Explain what? You got what you wanted. It took you a while, but you did. You don’t have to beat a dead horse. You can move on to the next conquest.”
It hurt. It physically hurt saying those things to him. But he’d hurt me too, and putting a mental barrier between him and myself was my only protection. My only safety.
“It’s not like that, Samir. Baby, it’s not like that.” He took a step forward and grabbed me by the sweater. “You’re not just a…” He breathed and pulled me onto him.
My forehead crashed into his. I lost my balance and fell onto him, and he used the wall of my hallway to keep us both upright. His hands grabbed onto my head, and his lips? His lips crashed into mine.
He kissed me messily, angrily, passionately. Whatever it was, it took my breath away. It made me forget. Forget what he’d done and remember; remember everything he’d made me feel since we met.
I surrendered to his kiss. I had no choice. Or, more accurately, I did but didn’t want to choose otherwise.
I let him kiss me, and I kissed him back, I slipped my tongue into his mouth, reacquainted myself with his taste, the memory of which had started to fade since we’d last seen each other.
He couldn’t tell me this didn’t feel good. He couldn’t tell me this wasn’t fucking great.
So why?
Why?
I pushed him away, pushed him off me, and tried to catch my breath.
“Why, Cole? Why did you treat me like that? Is it because you were only after sex? Or is it because I’m so much older than you? Or is it something else?”
“No. I don’t think you’re too old for me. And I was definitely not after the sex.”
“Really?” I mumbled. “Because you can tell me if it was the age thing. I know I’m old.”
Cole rolled his eyes and huffed.
“Shut up, Samir. You’re not old. And even if you are older than me I’ve never felt like our age difference was an obstacle to overcome.”
“Then what is it Cole?”
Cole panted and stared at me like a wounded puppy. It took all my strength not to start kissing him again.
“I… I got scared,” he said. “I thought I was ready, and I was, but I also got scared. You’re the first person I’ve slept with since Sandra. Hell, before you, I was dead. Like, broken. I haven’t had an erection or the appetite to do something about it since I lost the love of my life. So I got scared. I got scared by how much I wanted you and how good you made me feel, and it freaked me the fuck out. I don’t know how else to say it, to describe it, but I was scared.”
Tears ran down his cheeks and his lip quivered. His eyes shone but never wavered from me.
