I scrunch my eyes shut as a fresh wave of sorrow tightens my chest.
I’m letting my family down. They need this marriage. They need me to help Elkevik. Without me, will Ledonia still honor the trade agreement? Will Frederic find it in his heart to get his country to keep its word, even if I’m no longer part of the deal?
And what am I doing to him? To the referendum? Could I have just caused the end of his family’s position as monarchs? A thousand years of history gone with one decision?
The questions sit heavy in my chest as the train carries me farther and farther away from the man I’m trying so hard to forget.
The man who so clearly doesn’t love me.
“Do you want to tell me what happened?” Anya asks.
I pause, staring out the window before I nod. “After we danced at the festival, having so much fun, I felt closer tohim than I ever had. And then we talked, really talked. It felt as though he’d finally let go of all his control and was opening up to me. Then, out on the balcony under the lanterns, we shared a kiss.”
Her eyes grow big. “You kissed him?”
“Oh, Anya, it was absolutely perfect.Hewas perfect. Unlike our first kiss, there was no audience. It was just us.” I swallow, my chest hollowing. “I thought,this is it, this is the moment he finally opens up to me. The moment I finally feel truly connected to him.”
Anya gives my hand a squeeze. “Oh, Asti.”
“I’ve felt flashes of it before with him, just enough to give me hope. But last night I thought—” I break off.
“You thought?”
“I saw my future and it wasn’t the rose-coloured version I’ve been clinging to. It was the real one. A life with a man who doesn’t love me. A marriage built on duty, not choice.” My voice wobbles despite my best efforts. “One evening together can’t change everything, even if I foolishly hoped it could.”
“I need to ask you a question, and you must answer me honestly. Are you sure you want to leave? Really, really sure? Because when this hits the papers and when his family and yours find out, there’s going to be a major to-do.”
Something tightens around my chest like a vice. I look down again, my fingers twisting together. “I know it’s going to be awful. I think my parents will understand, but I’m not so sure about Frederic’s family. They’ll probably just think I’m flighty. Or selfish.” I look up at her as another wave of tears sting my eyes. “I can’t help feeling they’ll be right.”
Anya shakes her head. “You’re not flighty or selfish. You’re someone who knows what she wantsfrom life. And if Frederic can’t give you that, then you’re doing the right thing, theonlything.”
She rummages in her bag and produces some tissues, which I take gratefully. “Why don’t you listen to some music?” she suggests as she produces my Walkman and a selection of tapes.
“You think of everything, Anya. You’re my guardian angel. Do you know that?”
“I prefer to think of myself as your friend.”
“Thank you for being here for me, friend.”
“You, hightailing it out of a hotel in Monteluce after kissing a prince on a balcony beneath a sea of lanterns?” She grins at me. “I wouldn’t have missed that for the world.”
I snort despite myself before I slot a tape into my Walkman, slide my headphones into place, and click play. Immediately, my head fills with Vanessa William’s sweet voice, telling me how she’s saved the best for last.
I tug my headphones from my ears, my heart drumming.
“What happened?” Anya asks.
“Wrong song,” I say simply, my throat tight.
“Try a different tape. A breakup song, maybe? Elton John’s I’m Still Standing. Or that classic, I Will Survive. I’ve sung that one at karaoke more than once after a breakup. It’s musical therapy.”
I rummage in my handbag until I find a tape, slot it into the tape deck, and lean back, allowing Elton John’s words wash over me until it dulls the ache just enough to breathe.
For the rest of the journey, I keep my headphones firmly in place, until eventually, the guard’s voice comes over the speaker, announcing that the next stop is Villadorata.
“Do you think there’ll be press there?” I ask, sliding the headphones down around my neck.
Anya shakes her head. “Not unless the prince has alerted them, which I bet he wouldn’t do.”
