“But he is not your brother, and others will start to realize that as well.” Especially if John kept looking at her like he might kiss her all the time. “You had to know that you couldn’t stay here forever. Don’t you want to marry and have a family?”
“Don’t you?”
It was his turn to stiffen. “This isn’t about me.”
“Why not? I’ll marry when you do.”
“It doesn’t work like that, Cate, and you know it. I have the luxury of waiting; you do not.”
“Then youwillforce me?” Her eyes were too bright and shiny.God, please don’t cry. If she cried, he didn’t know what he’d do. “Do you wish to be rid of me so badly? My feelings mean so little to you?”
“Of course not.”
“If you planned to marry me off, why did you kiss me?”
Because he was a damned fool. “You looked so upset.” He shrugged helplessly, unable to explain himself. “I told you, it didn’t mean anything.”
He felt sorry for me. That is why he kissed me.
Cate wanted to collapse in a wounded heap and bawl her eyes out like a baby. But her pride wouldn’t let her.
She didn’t know what was worse: discovering that the man she’d given her heart to had been trying to find a way to be rid of her since he’d arrived, or that he’d kissed her because he felt sorry for her. Both were worse. Both felt like a betrayal.
“It meant something to me,” she said softly.
His expression looked truly pained, not that it helped ease hers any. “I’m sorry, Cate. Truly. I never meant to hurt you.”
“But you don’t love me, have no intention of marrying me, and would see me wed to a man I barely know just so you don’t have to worry about me? I understand.”
But she didn’t. How could he have been planning this and said nothing? John must have known about Gregor’s plans for her betrothal—that was what he’d been trying to warn her about. She was such a fool.
Oh God, the children. What about them?They’d needed her, and she’d let them down.
“Cate…”
He reached for her, but she stepped away to avoid his grasp. She straightened her spine, hurt turning to anger. “You don’t need to explain. It is my fault for falling in love with the wrong man. Of course you’ve no wish to marry me. You’re the most handsome man in Scotland, with your choice of brides. You could have a kingdom. I’m a bastard.” Seeing his shock, she added, “Aye, a bastard, some nobleman’s by-blow. Kirkpatrick was my stepfather.”
He was clearly taken aback. “Why didn’t you tell me the truth?”
“Because I was tired of being ashamed of the ‘noble’ father who deserted me when I was five.”
“Who is he?”
“What difference does it make? He’s dead to me.Dead. Bastard or orphan, I have littletorecommend me and muchnotto recommend me. I’m surprised you managed to find someone to marry me at all.”
His eyes flashed dangerously. He was angry now.Good. If the man known for breaking hearts managed to feel one-tenth of the emotion she felt right now it would be enough.
“If you want to know, there were plenty of men eager to marry you.”
He didn’t sound happy about it—not that she believed him anyway. “But not the only one who matters. Would it be so horrible to let yourself love me, Gregor?”
He looked pained—uncomfortable—as if he would rather be anywhere than here, having this discussion. “I’ve no wish to marry anyone right now. But if I did, it sure as hell wouldn’t be for a ‘kingdom’ or to a woman who wanted to marry ‘the handsomest man in Scotland.’ And if you don’t know that, you don’t know me at all.”
Was he mad? “Know you? I know you like your beef rare, your pork lightly pink, your sauces savory, and your vegetables firm. I know you prefer plums to pears and oranges to apples. I know you like oysters raw and eggs from salmon spread on crusty bread—which is disgusting by the way. I know you can tell where a wine is from from the first sip, and would rather go thirsty than drink the sweet wernage your mother loved. I know you drink more when you are unhappy, which I suspect has been a lot of late.”
Taking advantage of his shock, she continued. “I know you hate accepting anything unless you’ve earned it. I know your father was an arse and made you think you would never amount to anything, but that you’ve proved him wrong. I know you think you need to be perfect but that you never will be. I know that a man who is the best archer in Scotland, and who has fought loyally beside Robert the Bruce for years—even in the lowest part of his reign—is not irresponsible but a man to count on. I know you don’t want to be a protector but you are. I know you let John do your duty as chieftain because you don’t think you deserve it. I know that the enemies you kill in battle mean something to you, and that’s why the stack of stones on your father’s grave and the coin in Father Roland’s offertory basket grow higher every time you come home.”
She drew a deep breath. “I know you think that you are better off alone and don’t want to care about me, but that you do. I know that I’m the only woman youreallytalk to, and that means something. I know that when I sent Lizzie to the wine storage room with you, you didn’t touch her, even though you could have. I know you’ve bedded many women but the only one you really cared about hurt you. I know you think that you will hurt me, but that if you loved me, you’d be loyal and true to me to death—just as I would be to you.”
