“Kissing?” She grinned. “Wow!”
I let out a sigh. “It just happened. He’s…he’s…”
She raised her brows. “Hopefully a good kisser?” she guessed with a playful tone.
“Yes. The best.” I covered my face.
How could I even say that?
Comparing the knot of good tension on my stomach from Sergei’s kiss felt like such a disrespectful thing to express about Fitz.
“Natalie…” Daria rubbed my back. “It’s okay.”
“It doesn’t feel okay,” I replied, looking up at the younger woman.
“I bet not. It’s different. It’s a change. You’re still grieving your husband.”
How could I be mourning my husband who was killed over a year ago when I was so giddy about kissing Sergei?
Can I be any more of a hypocrite?
“Fitz’s death shattered my life. It still does,” I said. “And this man, this stranger at the bar, he’s so unlike Fitz that I can’t begin to understand why I’m so curious about him. So thankful for him.”
“What’s he like?” she asked, no judgment or teasing.
“Tall. Strong. Muscled. He’s got tattoos all over.”
She raised her brows, surprised again. “You’ve seen all of him?”
“No!” I winced at how loudly I’d replied. “No. I haven’t. He comes by and kind of watches out for me. He helped me deal with some pushy drunks, and he’s just… there. Dark and brooding and…” I cringed. “Dangerous.”
“Dangerousforyou?” she asked, worried. “Because you’re painting the picture of some kind of bad boy rebel.”
“He’s been nothing but patient and sweet to me. Kind. Generous.” I relaxed more, so happy I took the chance to talk to her. “We don’t even talk much. Small talk, really, and maybe some questions about each other.” I shrugged. “We’re still strangers more than anything.”
“And not knowing everything about him intimidates you?”
“I don’t know. This is so different and new for me. I don’t know if Iwantto get to know him. I can’t imagine actually dating someone with Maisie and me on our own now. I can’t decide if I’m going to deliberately put myself out there—ever.”
She dug her phone out of her bag. “Well, just for my peace of mind, what’s his name? I’ll look him up and vet him for you.”
I shook my head. “I… I don’t even know his last name. I feel like I’m betraying Fitz’s memory to even want to know anything about another man.”
Let alone for feeling so good after kissing him.
Daria frowned, rubbing my back sympathetically again. “That can’t be true. You loved Fitz. You still do. And that’s normal.”
I wasn’t ready to comment on what was supposed to be normal or not when my life had been tossed up so much like this. “I don’t know what normal is anymore. Something about how effortlessly Sergei can seem like such a dark and threatening presence can’t be ‘normal’ either.” Before I could worry her, I added, “Not to me. He’s been nothing but protective and considerate, not pushing me for anything or expecting anything in return.” That mattered to me, too. I didn’t want to enter another situation where I could be dependent or obligated to repay anyone for anything. Losing Fitz forced me to see how badly I had to be independent and strong on my own now.
“I am not ready to be with a man,” I admitted. “I’m not sure I ever will be, and if and when I am, if Sergei could be the right sort of person for me. For Maisie. I have to consider her in all this too.”
Daria patted my back gently. “One step at a time. One step at a time. If you’re not ready to open your heart to anyone, that’s fine. You do you. But it might be a good idea to embrace the possibility of something new. Right? Something different. Fitz wouldn’t want you to mourn him forever, to be alone and sad for the rest of your life.”
I sniffled, hit with the sudden sadness of being so alone and lost. Because, of course, she was right. Fitz would want the best for me. He would want the best for Maisie, too, and he would be sad to see me not moving on.
As I hugged Daria and thanked her for hearing me out, I shoved it all aside just so she could leave and not worry about me all night.
“You’ll make a wonderful therapist,” I told her at the door.
