“Anyway, it sounds nutty, but best I can tell, that’s where it all started. When I left New York and started college, I was surrounded by women who were finally on their own. No parents telling them what to do, and a lot of them keen to explore their sexuality…by having sex with as many partners as possible. Granted, I met most of those girls at frat parties over the beer pong table. I expect if I’d have hung out in the library, I would have met a whole other type of woman.” He chuckled. “I took advantage of girls throwing themselves at me and didn’t feel bad about it because that seemed to be what they wanted and expected from me.”
“And now?”
“Now? I don’t know why I still do it. It sounds cliche, but I think it has something to do with my fear of commitment and getting too close to anyone. Putting myself out there, emotionally, has always made me feel vulnerable, and I’m not a fan of that. I stick to short-term relationships because I don’t want to hurt anyone, and I don’t want to get hurt. Plus, after all these years, it’s familiar to me now. I don’t knowhowto be in a relationship. And to be honest, until you, there hasn’t been anyone that’s made me want to change my mind.”
She’d been staring at the tabletop, picking at an invisible nick, but looked up at his last comment. Her eyebrows rose in question.
“Ah, hell. Here goes nothing.” He took a deep breath, set the pen down, and braced his hands on his knees. “Hannah, I’ve changed since meeting you. Even more so since we became intimate. I no longer want to chase random women. I don’t miss going to the bars. And I want to give a real relationship a chance. With you. I like the idea of coming home to you and staying home with you.”
“This isn’t some line you feed women, is it?” She squinted her eyes in suspicion.
He shook his head. “I take full responsibility for my past. I’m not offering excuses, and I understand it’s a lot to get over. I’m just saying I’ve changed. A lot of things have had me questioning my MO in the last year or so. Meeting you and having you turn me down, Mitch getting married, Sam getting engaged, seeing the dead man that looked just like me…” He shrugged. “All of that’s had me thinking that maybe it’s time to grow up, take a chance, and settle down. It’s made me ask myself, do I really want to be doing the bar scene at forty? No, I don’t. The truth is, I’ve been tiring of it for a while now, but I didn’t know what else to do. And I have this stupid reputation that in a weird way puts pressure on me. Then you moved in and made me think maybe I could do it with the right woman. And that you were the right woman.”
She remained silent and returned to staring at the table.
He’d spilled his guts. Not much more he could do or say. Either she would forgive him, or she wouldn’t, but at least he had a clear heart. Putting himself out there had been rough, but he’d survived. Now it was up to her. The silence stretched, and he shifted in his seat.
“It means a lot to me, really, that you would take a risk to tell me your feelings.” She sighed, and he felt a “but” coming on. “But none of what you’ve said changes the fact that you lied to me, and I don’t know if we can succeed when our relationship is, or was, based on a lie.”
“I get it. And I, of all people, should know better. In the Patrol there’s a saying, ‘you lie, you die.’ It basically means you can get away with just about anything, as long as you’re honest about it. We had a trooper who was driving drunk and actually got into a pursuit with other troopers trying to stop him. Once they caught him, he admitted everything, said he had a problem, and they worked with him to get through it, and he kept his job. I’ve also seen guys fired for one lie to the brass or cheating on a test at the academy. Honesty is essential in a relationship, and I’m sorry I wasn’t completely upfront with you. I figured if I told you the truth, you’d leave, and I didn’t want you to go. It was selfish of me. I hope you’ll forgive me, but if not, I understand.”
“I’m not sure, Jake. About anything. I’m upset that you lied, but also at the number of sexual partners you’ve had. I don’t like the thought of being one of hundreds.”
He didn’t correct her on the numbers. Unfortunately, that sounded about right.
“I understand. I can’t change the past, but I want to change the future. Whether you give me a shot or not, I’m done with the hookups and the one-night stands. I’m a different person since being with you, Hannah. I’m pretty sure I’m in love with you, and I want to have a relationship with you—a real one. I don’t know if I can go back to being just friends. I’m ready to commit, and I’ll wait for you if I have to.”
She grabbed his hand and stroked it softly. “I thought maybe I loved you too, but all that changed when my memories came back. I really liked you back when we first went out but couldn’t get past your wild ways. I’m not sure I can now, either. I appreciate everything you’ve said, but it’s a lot to take in. I need some time to process everything.”
“Well, all right,” he said, standing to go. There was nothing left to say. He just hoped he’d done a good enough job of convincing her he’d changed and that he wanted to give a relationship a shot. “Oh, and if you still want Lucky, let me know and I’ll bring him by.”
“I’m not home very much, but I’ll think about it.”
“No strings attached.” He smiled.
“Okay.” She walked him to the door and hugged him. “I’ll call you,” she said into his chest.
“I’ll be waiting.” He kissed the top of her head. “And please be careful.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Hannah thought her day couldn’t get any worse. Most people looked forward to Friday, but this one was just topping off her exhausting, depressing week. She’d gotten a D on an important test and failed to make the light rail train she usually caught, which made her late to work. The hours shadowing Susan weren’t enough to live on, and since she couldn’t make coffee, she’d been banished to the cash register, her least favorite job at the shop. Especially when she was feeling so…blah. The cold, unrelenting rain came down in sheets, and her hands just wouldn’t warm up. She was trudging back to her apartment after work when her phone vibrated in her pocket. Maybe this would turn her week around.
“Hannah, good. I’m glad I caught you,” started Detective Townsend. “I have some bad news.”
Of course he did. After the day she’d endured, she wasn’t surprised. “What’s happened? Have you arrested Zach yet?”
“That’s the bad news. He seems to have disappeared.”
“What do you mean? You couldn’t find him at work or his apartment?” What the hell? She’d pretty much given them the location of where he spent every minute of every day. Finding him should have been an easy enough task.
“He was fired from his job about four months ago and kicked out of his apartment a month or so after that. He sold his car right about the same time to someone that doesn’t know him from Adam. All the leads you gave us have been a dead end.”
“What about his grandparents? Did you talk to them? That’s who he grew up with.”
“Yes, we did. He was staying with them sporadically until they got fed up and kicked him out. Apparently, he has a drug problem, and they don’t want any part of it. He was stealing things from the house and selling or pawning them to make money for his habit. It’s been several days since they’ve seen him.”
“Drugs? That can’t be right. He never used drugs when I knew him.”
