He hung up and pitched the phone onto the couch. “Idiot!” he said to himself, slumping down next to the phone. “You should have just been honest with her.”
Lucky walked in, probably from his latest nap, and nudged Jake’s leg. “You should go live with Hannah. I’m incapable of loving anyone or anything,” he said.
Instead, Lucky jumped onto the couch, climbed onto Jake’s lap, made a circle, and laid down on his crotch. He stroked the cat and had it purring in no time. A million inappropriate comments ran through his mind, but he wasn’t in the mood.
Oh, to have the simple life of a cat. Was it lame to use the cat as an excuse to see Hannah? Yes, but Lucky really would be better off with her.
He scrolled through his phone until he found the number for the super at Hannah’s apartment. He left a message advising him that Hannah was most likely back in her apartment, and asked him to keep an eye on her. Jake left his cell number, telling him he could call anytime. Next, he called Detective Grossman and let him know Hannah might remember something, and in case she hadn’t called them, they should contact her.
Since he was in uncharted territory, he thought some advice might be helpful. He called Sam to see if he had any words of wisdom regarding his current predicament.
“You knew better,” Sam said. “This is on you. If you want to continue a relationship with her, you’re going to have to apologize and convince her to give you another shot. Been there, done that.” He chuckled. “I don’t envy you, but I’ve been in your shoes and forgivenessispossible. Just be honest and sincere. If you guys really love each other, it will work out.”
“Love each other? That escalated quickly. What if we only like each other?” He’d been tiptoeing around the idea a little, but wasn’t ready to commit tothatfour-letter word yet.
Sam laughed. “Either way. If it’s meant to be, you’ll figure it out.”
Sam had suggested giving her a little time to cool off, but Jake couldn’t wait that long. He texted Hannah and asked if he could come over. Her “I guess” response was all he needed, and within five minutes, he was out the door on his way to her apartment.
CHAPTER THIRTY
“You knew. You knew why I didn’t want to go out with you, and you didn’t tell me. Even when I asked you directly,” Hannah said, not wasting any time in confronting him. He’d barely passed the threshold and closed the door before she spoke.
“That’s true,” Jake said.
“Well, why?”
He shook his head and paused before answering. “I have no idea. Each time I got close to telling you, I chickened out because I didn’t want you to think badly of me. I was embarrassed about it. I care what you think and didn’t want to disappoint you. In the beginning, I reasoned that if we kept things platonic, then it wouldn’t be an issue. Once we blew past platonic, I planned to tell you, but there was just never a good time. I didtryto keep our relationship as friends-only.”
“Yes, you did.” They’d been standing in the entryway, and she walked to the kitchen table and sat, offering him the other seat with a nod of her head.
“That was pretty tough, by the way,” he said. “Especially the day I had you half-naked on the porch.” He watched her cheeks turn pink and could tell she was fighting a smile.
She shook her head. “Even if I can get past the lying, which I’m still not sure about, I don’t know if I can get past your history. Why do you do it? Sleep around, I mean.” She seemed genuinely curious. He picked up a pen and absentmindedly started flipping it around in his hand.
“Funny you mention that because I’ve actually given it some thought lately, and I never have before. I think it may have started in high school. I was young, a sophomore, and started going out with this girl, Beckie, who was two years older than me. After a few months of dating, she talked me into having sex.” He held up a hand to stop her from commenting, knowing what she would probably say.
“I know, I know. What do I mean she had to talk me into it? Don’t all high school boys want sex all the time? Yes, and no. We lost both of my maternal grandparents within a month of each other that year. This was a few years after my dad died, and, of course, it devastated my mom. It was a tough, somber time for my family and me, and, believe it or not, sex wasn’t at the top of my list of things to worry about. Eventually, I gave in and had sex with her. I mean, she didn’t have to workthathard to convince me. I just wasn’t the one who initiated it.” When she didn’t say anything, he continued.
“Anyway, we broke up, but not before it was all over the school that we’d done it. The next girl I dated wanted to have sex, but I didn’t. Not with her anyway. She was clingy and annoying, but she finally guilted me into it, saying it hurt her feelings that I would have sex with Beckie, but not with her. Was she not pretty enough? Did I not like her enough? Stuff like that. In the end, I had sex with her just to spare her feelings.”
“How charitable of you,” said Hannah with a smirk.
“Hey, you asked,” Jake said. “I’m just telling you what I came up with.”
“I’m sorry. Continue.”
“The girl after her was more or less the same situation, but this time I stood my ground and said no. She killed herself two days later.”
“Jesus, Jake.”
“I’m not saying it was all because of me, but it definitely left an impression. Anyway, after that, I pretty much had sex with everyone I dated because I didn’t want any of the girls to think I was rejecting them or that they were undesirable. I thought theyexpectedme to make a move, and that me making that move was a sign of me ‘liking’ them. It probably seems immature, but at that point, Iwasimmature.”
“And that’s exactly what I did. Wore you down and guilted you into having sex with me,” said Hannah.
“Oh, no. Don’t even think that. There’s a big difference between guilt and seduction. I’m a big boy now, and I could have said no. If you knew how many times I fantasized about being with you, you would know that you didn’t guilt me into anything. I held back at first, but that was for your sake. Believe me when I say I wasverywilling to sleep with you—even knowing the consequences. That this…” he waved his hand between the two of them. “… was the consequence. I was still blinded by passion and couldn’t resist. You may have seduced me a little, but it was a dream come true for me.”
She rolled her eyes.
