Shit. Here it comes. I never should’ve gotten involved with a younger guy. I knew it. As mature as he normally came across, he still had oats to sew. Why didn’t I listen to me?
“I wasn’t out of town all this time. I’ve been here, in Seattle. And I’m so sorry I lied to you about that. I just needed some time.”
Okay. That wasn’t so bad. “Time for what?” I don’t know why I asked, because I wasn’t sure I really wanted to know.
He took a sip of his tea, then pressed his lips together for a moment before telling me, “As you kinda know, I’ve been having some…I don’t know…episodes? Some even worse than what you’ve seen.” He paused. “Ailee, I’ve been having blackouts. Sometimes for days.”
I held myself very still. “Blackouts? From what?” It was a tumor. I knew it.
He tried to laugh, but it was more a burst of frustration. “I don’t fucking know. For a while, I thought I was some kind of closet alcoholic, waking up behind Dumpsters and on other people’s couches. I just never remembered actually starting to drink. I couldn’t remember where I’d been. What I’d done.” His eyes met mine. “I’d just get up, get back to life, and try to forget that it ever happened because, honestly, it freaked me the hell out. And each time I’d just hope and pray it wouldn’t happen again…
“But now there are things going on in my life. Good things. Fucking great things.” A sweet smile curled his lips as he looked at me. “And after seeing you again...” His eyes darkened. “I wanted you the first time we met, Ailee. I still want you. Even now, my heart is pounding in my fucking chest just looking at you.”
I had no doubt it was true. I could see it in his eyes, black as night. My breath caught as my stomach flipped over. I still wasn’t used to such intense declarations.
“But even after we started seeing each other, I tried to ignore it, hoping somehow things would get back to normal, but it didn’t. And I was scared, Ailee. So fucking scared.” Fear tightened his features.
I reached out to him, touching his hand.
“I’m not a fucking alcoholic. I knew it then and I know it now. But something was going on with me, and I knew I needed to get a grip on this if I was going to be any good at all for you, so I went to see my doctor, which led to me being referred to a therapist.”
“A therapist? For what?” Relief made me weak. I’d really thought he was dying. Therapy, I could handle. Maybe he had anxiety or something.
“We think I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. DID.” The words rushed out, like he was afraid if he didn’t just get them out there, he would never be able to say them.
Everything stilled around me. Over the sound of the music, I heard raindrops hitting the window. One of the neighbors closed their door, jingling their keys. The clock on the stove ticked. Before the blood rushed through my ears, muting it all behind a wall of disbelief.
Tyler chewed his lower lip, studying me closely for my reaction. When I didn’t say anything, he continued. “It’s caused by a severe trauma that happens in childhood. Um…” He squinted one eye like his head hurt. “I don’t know what that trauma was; I can’t remember. It’s something we’re working on. But whatever it was that happened to me, it was enough that my brain needed to protect me from it to survive. To do that, it created other people—alters—to handle what I couldn’t. Basically. Do you know what I mean? I feel like I’m making no fucking sense.” He put his elbows on the table and rubbed his temples.
He was explaining himself well enough. Pictures of him as a young child with big, brown eyes and shaggy, dark hair came to mind, and my heart splintered in my chest at the thought of that child enduring something so horrific that his body took over and protected him the only way it could. I’d taken my share of Psych classes. I knew exactly how horrific those experiences had to have been. Had he been abused?
Tyler’s face blurred before me, and I felt wetness on my cheeks. “You have multiple personalities?”
With a small shrug, he said, “Yeah. I guess. They weren’t sure at first. It’s still early days with the therapy.”
“Then why do you think that?” A small glimmer of hope sparked in my chest. Maybe it wasn’t DID. Maybe it was something less…life-altering.
“Well, mostly because Willow told me she’s met a few of them. The alters.”
I went numb. Well, for the most part. My heart broke for him, and for me. Scenes from movies played in my head, characters with multiple personalities—or what did he call them? Alters?—going psycho and killing people. A flash of fear shot through me. I sat back in my chair, staring at this man I thought I was coming to know. What the hell had I gotten myself into?
“Don’t look at me like that, Ailee.”
I averted my eyes, but like a car accident, I couldn’t stop myself from looking and they kept going back to him. I watched his expression, the way his fingers tapped the tabletop, much like he had at the coffee shop that first time. Wild thoughts buzzed through my head. Who was this I was talking to? Who is the real Tyler? Is it even Tyler, or is this man one of the alters who’d taken over the physical body? Would he hurt me? What if he switched right now? Right here?
“Fuck, ‘lee. I’m not going to murder you in your kitchen.”
“How do you know that?”
He opened his mouth to reply, but snapped it closed again. His head fell forward, and my heart jumped in my chest, but when he raised it again, it was still Tyler staring out at me. And his face was twisted with his emotions. “I’m sorry, Ailee. I’m so fucking sorry. I wanted to tell you what was going on from the start, but I wanted to have something to actually tell you first, other than the fact that I’ve woken up in strange places more than a few times only to find out days have gone by. Days I don’t fucking remember. Chunks of my life gone. Just fucking gone!” He paused. Took a breath. “I wanted to tell you as soon as I got here. I didn’t mean for us to…” He stopped. “I just missed you so fucking much.”
“Were you covered in blood?” I shouldn’t have said that. But I couldn’t stop myself. “Did you have blood on you any of those times you woke up?”
“What? No, Ailee.” Hurt and confusion lit his eyes as he drew back from me.
God, what was I doing. I covered my face with my hands. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. That wasn’t fair of me. It’s just…” And suddenly, it all came crashing down. The day I’d seen him with his sister at Whole Foods. The last time I’d seen him.
“What? What is it?”
