Jana flitters over to them and snuggles up under Hannah’s arm before she reaches for Rowan. And since we’re now considered family, we’re left to fend for ourselves. But once we’re all sitting, our glasses full and Jana promising she’ll bring food soon, my anxiety bubbles up out of control and perfumes the air.
Dante shuffles his chair close enough to drape his arm over my shoulder, and he rests his other hand on my thigh. Before Hannah gives me the results, Dante squeezes my leg until I look at him. And even though we don’t speak, I know the message—the results change nothing. I know they've done everything in their power to make sure I understand, but I still carry guilt that Pack De Luca won’t get everything they want if I’m an Omega who can’t go into heat.
“Layne,” Rowan says, passing over an envelope. “This is the full report, so you can read it for yourself later, but the crux of it is, there is nothing wrong with you at all. The results of your blood test indicate everything is fine. Some of your hormone levels are still higher than where we would like to see them.”
“And that means?” I ask.
Hannah answers, her empathy obvious in her scent. “It means, you are fine and are going to have a heat soon. When, we’re not sure. You need to remember you used heat suppressors for so long, over what is generally considered a safe period of time to use them. But”—she exaggerates thebutand rubs her hand on mine—“there was a reason you needed them, and I don’t want you being harsh on yourself for that.”
Rowan takes over while Hannah holds my hand. “Your endocrine system has become overly reliant on the drugs. Again, it isn’t bad. There’s no lasting damage we’re concerned about. All that’s happening is, your body is taking longer to adjust back to making its own hormones and maintaining them at a normal level during your whole cycle.”
“But what about all the spikes, the heat flashes?”
“Everything is happening as it should,” Hannah promises. “Your body is adjusting to being without the chemicals, but, by the sounds of it, is already responding like a packed Omega, even though you haven’t bonded.”
“Or you’re just getting good dick,” Dante whispers in my ear. And it’s exactly what I needed to hear. I laugh before getting serious again.
Rowan takes over again. In the same way I needed Dante’s humor, I need Rowan’s serious explanation. “The hormone instability you’re experiencing is because you went cold turkey and stopped all medication, which again, is not a wrong way of doing it. Except, now, you’re having withdrawals. There’s not a specific timeline we’d expect for your heat cycle. It’s just going to occur when your system is completely free of the toxins.”
“So, I’m fine? Really?”
“I’m not a betting man, Layne, but I’d say, within a month, you’ll have experienced your first heat. And will be sharing all the sordid details with Jana.”
“Good god, I hope so. I want all the slick stories.” Jana laughs raucously, delivering the first few plates for our dinner at the same time. She goes to walk away, or I think she does, until she’s wrapping her arms around my neck and talking into my ear, so low only I can hear. “The magic will happen when you truly accept who you are and have faith you’re allowed to ask for what you want. You can ask them for the world, Layne, and they’ll deliver you the universe. Or trust your heart and ask for themto bond you, because then you’ll understand you’re the cosmos, and they’re only existing because of you.”
52
Layne
Jana’s words flitter on an endless loop, consuming my thoughts. I can see reminders of what she’s saying in everything I look at—the twinkling stars in the night sky, the way Dante looks at me like I am his world. Despite the strange confirmations in front of me, I’m still looking for the reasons I haven’t asked them to bond with me yet.
Ultimately, I’m scared. I don’t want to be. But that doesn’t mean I’m not.
I’m not self-sabotaging, but I am holding myself back from asking Pack De Luca to tie me to them forever because I don’t want to turn out like my mother.
It’s taken time to understand but I think being around Pack De Luca has highlighted an anxiety I’m sadly holding on to - being blindsided by people who should’ve done everything to protect me – my family. In part it’s been harder to work through because not only was I let down by them, but I also witnessed my mother defending my father on numerous occasions, even when he was cruel and terrible to her, and me. I don’t want to be likethat ever. I also don’t want people to look at me and think I’m ignorant or weak, which in hindsight is how I view her now.
My past is a heavy burden to bear and some days, I seriously misjudge the weight of my trauma. Other days, I think I’m so stupid and fragile minded. In my head, it’s always my father’s voice I hear on those days, saying the same thing over and over, like he did when I was growing up.
Even without a therapist talking me through my issues, I know my past sits like a ragged scar—the reminder is always there. Other people's manipulations shape your future as much as genetics define your eye color.
Realistically, I know I am not my past. I survived. But sometimes it’s hard to remember that.
It’s a good thing Dante drives, because no matter how much I want to be present with him, I invariably keep getting caught in my mind, looking for ways to move forward.
“Il mio tutto, please tell me what ghosts I need to slay,” he says quietly, like he doesn’t want to interrupt my thoughts.
But his voice cuts through the fog of memories, his scent guiding me back to the present. Back to being in the car with him after dinner with Jana and some of her pack. And I’m so relieved I’m here with him.
Dante’s face is illuminated by the flashing headlights of cars passing us, and even though he’s refusing to stop looking straight out the windshield, and his hands clench hard around the steering wheel, I feel like his whole focus is on me.
“Jana said something to you, and since then, you’ve been drifting further away from me. I’m not sure if you realize it. And I know it’s a lot to fucking weigh you down with, baby, but I feel your pain like it’s my own. Even without bonding, I feel every part of you.”
“You do?” A growing need for his validation has me almost guilty in my selfishness, but tonight, I’m letting Jana’s Mother-Earth influence guide me—Dante can give me what I need if I’m brave enough to ask for validation.
“Can I turn and look at you?” His scent is heavy with his unique Amaretto perfume, but it’s also influenced by anguish.
“Of course you can,” I whisper, already twisting in my seat. “Why did you ask?”
