A big dealbreaker.
15
ABBY
Since last night, there has been radio silence from Lucas. The talk of children was a damper on a good run. Lucas’s face when I told him made it clear that it is a big deal. And I get it, he has a son and one day maybe he wants to give Theo a brother or sister. He’s a family man. I love that about him, and I don’t see it as a turn-off.
I just… I just struggle to see myself in a mother role.
There’s no explanation for why I feel this way other than it never piqued my interest. In recent years, my social calendar has been filled with gender reveal parties, baby showers, and first birthdays. The babies are cute, real cute. And being pregnant? Looks fun—but not my kind of fun. Maybe one day I’ll feel differently, but I don’t foresee a change anytime soon. I never felt the desire and that feeling never subsided, not even the slightest.
It never crossed my mind that maybe one day I would be in a situation where someone else’s child is involved. I thought I would have been married forever so why would I have thought of someone else’s child? But now I know, being divorced in my thirties, that the chance I date someone with a child runs strong. My brief 10-minute trip to a dating site three months ago proved that point. Since then, the thought has floated occasionally through my mind.
I do like kids. They are entertaining little rascals. I’m just clueless how I would be in a “girlfriend of the dad” kind of role. And although that is such a hot scenario that does something to my libido, even I know there is so much more to that situation. I can’t mess around when a child is involved.
Lucas does something to me. He reaches corners in me that I didn’t know I have. And I want to see where we could go. He is the one who always occasionally floated into my thoughts, which is crazy. But here we are, and I don’t want to walk away with a few good weeks knowing we could have more.
I look at my computer screen as I type an e-mail. A year ago, I had applied for a fellowship, and I never heard back from them, so I only assumed that I didn’t get it. They e-mailed me yesterday asking if they could keep my details on file, and I answer of course before hitting the send button. Looking through the rest of my e-mails, I see I have one from my cousin with a link for a soup recipe, and a reminder from my dentist to have my annual dental check.
The day moves slowly.
After heading home from work, I feed Romeo. Since he was at work with me today, he’s worn out after our evening walk. The walk was needed maybe more for me than him. I needed to clear my head and think through this situation. I want Lucas, but I know I can’t be selfish. There is a potential bigger picture. But somewhere between minute ten and twenty of our walk, something clicked in my head. I don’t have a clear picture, but it’s no longer blurry.
Since I know Lucas is working on Theo’s room, I head to his new place without warning. When I arrive, it seems his new bed is getting delivered as the front door is wide open and there’s a truck in the driveway with a picture of beds on the side. I walk in as Lucas is showing the movers out.
Our eyes catch and he’s surprised to see me, but still the corner of his mouth hitches slightly. After closing the door behind the movers, Lucas focuses his attention on me.
“Hi,” I say.
“Hey.”
“Can we talk?” I request softly.
His jaw flexes and he rubs the back of his neck. “Sure.” We walk to the kitchen and it seems the kitchen now has chairs and a table in the dining area. Leaning to the side, we both use the counter as support.
“I want to explain yesterday,” I begin.
“You don’t need to explain, I get it.” It comes out disappointed, and he won’t look at me.
My hand reaches for his arm. “No, you don’t get it. I’m not sure I did either. So, can I clarify?” I appeal, trying to find his eyes.
His face remains neutral. “Abby, it’s okay. You don’t need—”
I interrupt, which makes his eyes meet mine. “No, I do. It is true what I said about not wanting kids. I personally don’t see myself getting pregnant and having a baby. Maybe one day that’ll change, but I can’t guarantee it. And I know we’re new, and this is a heavy conversation to have, but it’s logical in this case. If you want to meet someone and have more babies, then I am not the one for you, it’s true,” I admit somberly and try to study his face.
Lucas bites his lip. “Abby. I really don’t know where this conversation is going, but the message is clear.”
“You asked if I wanted kids, and I equated that to having babies. Is that what you meant?”
He shakes his head no. “No, actually, because I don’t know if I would ever want more kids. But I do have a kid now, and whoever I go down a path with needs to be open to that.”
I grab his other arm then slide my hands down his arms to his hands to clasp them. “Okay, so me not wanting to have children isn’t a big deal then. Because it doesn’t mean I’m not open to having someone’s else’s child in my life.” His eyes shoot down to meet mine with hope. “I just don’t know how in the world it works, and I don’t want to mess it up… not with you,” I admit, and I can see the wheels in his head working.
His thumbs caress the top of my hands. “What are you saying, Abby?”
“I don’t want to mess us up. I mean, I don’t know how to play the role between you and your son if we get to that point. Because if your son thinks I’m an evil witch or something then I know you choose him, and I understand. And if he maybe finds me somewhat cool then I have no clue how to maintain my cool status. I know he is part of your life, Lucas.”
Lucas steps closer to me, and his face eases to a lightness. His long finger hooks under my chin to guide my face up so our eyes meet. “Are you saying you’re scared what role to be, but you are completely open to being part of this package deal?”
