“That seems like a low number for someone like you,” I observed.
“I prefer not to date.”
“I guess it would be kinda hard with your profession and all.”
“I don’t think most men would be as unbothered by it as you.”
“Is that why you broke up with your last boyfriend? Did he find your murder locker too?” I asked.
“I didn’t have a murder locker back then,” he murmured.
“But that’s why you broke up?” Geez, was the entire conversation going to be like this? It would be easier to go to the dentist and get teeth pulled. Not that I’d ever done that, but my last foster father threatened to take me to have it done and said he would tell them not to numb me first. Seemed really unpleasant.
“We broke up because I went into the military.”
“Oh, I remember. You were in the military but got injured and were discharged,” I said, repeating what he’d told me before.
He nodded. My toes were super toasty now, so I wiggled around and shoved my other foot between his legs too. Couldn’t have one cold foot and one warm. That was weird.
He grimaced but adjusted to make room for both.
“How long were you in the military?” I asked.
“Three years.”
“It must have been a bad injury if they discharged you.”
“It was a combat injury.”
Combat.I rolled the word around in my brain for a moment before understanding. “You were in a war?”
“Something like that.”
“Something like war,” I murmured, once again trying to understand. The anxiety of not being able to had me nibbling at my nails.
Kieran made a gruff sound and pulled my hand down, scowling darkly.
“I’m trying to understand,” I whispered, forlorn and disappointed in myself. “But I don’t.”
Kieran sighed heavily and rolled onto his back, staring up at the dark ceiling. “I enlisted at eighteen, fresh out of high school. I was young and stupid, filled with all kinds of ideals. I thought I could make a difference in the world, and joining the armed forces was the best way to do it.”
I nodded, even though he probably couldn’t see, but maybe he could because he tucked a hand beneath his head and kept going.
“I scored high on some tests. I’m not even sure which ones. I took so many. But they pulled me into a room and offered me a spot in a new unit they were developing. It was on the ground, in the trenches. We’d be going into places and dealing with things no one else would. They said it would make a real difference, and of course, I jumped on it.”
Kieran was silent a moment, and then his voice filled the quiet dark once more.
“We trained for nine months. It was intense, and whenever we screwed up or didn’t perform the way we wanted, we were basically hazed.”
“What kind of hazing?” I asked, feeling my stomach sink.
“I’m not telling you,” he snapped, voice harsh.
On instinct, I shrank back, put off by the rough tone. Kieran was always bad-tempered, but this felt different. More volatile.
“Shit,” he spat, rolling onto his side and reaching for me.
He must have felt my wariness because he cussed again and laid his hand between us on the mattress. “I’m sorry, doll. I’m not good at controlling my temper, and this is… I’ve never told anyone this before.”
