It would be selfish of me to expect Luc to stay in my world forever. To expect him to give up everything he loves about his life. Being able to go to Tesco on a Saturday afternoon, or to the theatre and being able to stay in your seat.
The phone crackles like the WiFi is disconnecting. ‘Everyone I get close to… they all leave. They all realise sooner or later that I have completelydestroyedtheir life.’ I squeeze my eyes shut. ‘They lose their privacy, loads of them end up having to leave their jobs. Do you remember the doctor?’
‘What doctor?’
‘I went on a few dates with a doctor. I don’t know, I was, maybe like twenty-three, twenty-four?’
‘Oh, Doctor Lemon.’
‘Limone, but yes. He had to move to a different hospital hundreds of miles away.’
‘I don’t think that was because of you, Sienna… when his mother was sick and he was going to work at a hospital nearby to be close to her.’
‘Oh,’ I squeak.
‘Don’t run,’ Jess warns. ‘Think about it like this. If your life didn’t have all the… noise, would you want to be with Luc?’
‘There’s no point thinking about it like that,’ I sigh. ‘Because my life is how my life is, and there’s not exactly a way I can, like, change it.’
‘Answer the question. Would you, or would you not, want to be with Luc?’
‘Yes.’ The answer erupts out of me, and I don’t remember my brain giving my mouth permission to speak.
‘Then, Sienna, you need to follow that.’
Is she chewing?
‘It feels like you’re punishing yourself, and you don’t need to. Luc is a grown man – he can make his own decisions.’ Jess takes another gulp of her tea. ‘I think you need to stop thinking so much into the future and start living for yourself now.’ I’m not sure how I feel about tough love Jess. She doesn’t come out very often.
‘I can’t live for myself now.’
‘Yes, you can – you need to.’
The PR relationship ending in real feelings is such a cliché, but Luc and I never really stood a real chance, did we… not with all our history. Everyone knew that when they suggested he was the man for the job.
Not suggested, told me he was the man for the job.
There’s a soft knocking on the door. ‘Sienna.’ Luc’s voice filters through the cracks and lands all around me like confetti.
‘I’m going to let you go,’ Jess says. ‘Please think about what I’ve said, Sienna. I just want you to be happy.’
‘Bye, love you.’ My voice is broken, a whisper of what it once was. And I hate that Jess is making sense.
It was never going to be Luc that leaked that story.
I don’t want to have to do it. I don’t want to have to change the way I live on the off-change I’ll be happier, because what if it makes things worse? What makes people listen to their heart and not their head?
I hang up and open my bedroom door, Luc waiting patiently without barging his way in. ‘Hey,’ I whisper and dry my eyes. I hadn’t realised they’d been leaking. ‘I’m really sorry.’
He frowns and looks away.
‘I should never have presumed it was you,’ I say. ‘I do trust you, Luc. And you were right. I was looking for an out. Because I have all these feelings, and these feelings are really scary.’
He opens his arms, gesturing for me to place myself inside that comfort, safety that I can’t find anywhere else. That I’ve never been able to find anywhere else. Not outside of Grampy’s house.
He kisses my head. It’s a gentle kiss but gives the comfort of a weighted blanket. He’s always so understanding. Is he holding anything back? Will those feelings bubble up into anger or resentment over the years if I let him in?
‘It was Mauve…’ I whisper. ‘She sold the story.’
