I look at Dennis and then back at Luc. ‘What do you mean? Of course I’m not.’
‘I can tell as well,’ Dennis shrugs.
‘We’ll talk about it later,’ Luc reassures me, rubbing his hand against my upper arm, disturbing the fabric on the sleeves of my dress.
The auditorium doors open for us. The ceremony has already started; the first few awards have been announced.There’s a short break now between an award and the second performance, so I’m let in to find my seat, next to Mimi and Jess who got here early. Dennis stands nearby, always keeping me in his eye line. He finds a member of the security team that he used to work with before I hired him in-house and stands near her so they can survey the room together.
The tiredness from the jet lag is starting to overcome me now that I’m sitting in a comfortable seat in a warm room. I’m going to be fighting all night not to look bored or asleep on camera. I need to put on an Olivier-worthy performance the entire time I’m in the venue for all the inevitable times the camera will be recording me in my seat.
Luc drops his hand on my thigh and grins.
It’s ‘Music Artist of the Year’ – the Big One. One I’m nominated for. One I won last time I was nominated.
‘Our winner has seen more than a decade of success in the music industry. They have set a new record for being the first person to win this award for four albums in a row. ForYour Email Didn’t Find Me Well…’
My mouth drops open. I know what’s coming, but I also can’t believe it all at the same time.
‘An album which has made a huge splash in the short time it’s been released. Your “Music Artist of the Year” is… Sienna Martin!’
I jump up and I don’t have to paint on a smile when I grab Luc to hug him. He kisses me in delight.
‘You did it,’ he cries. ‘You’re incredible.’
He hugs me again and I squeeze him tight. He pushes me away, gesturing towards the stage as he joins the audience in their claps and their cheers.
I haven’t prepared a speech.
I climb the stairs at the side of the stage, praying that I don’t stand on my dress and trip like I did at the Brit Awards whenUnlikely Silencewon ‘British Single of the Year’.
‘Wow,’ is the only thing which immediately comes out of my mouth when I’m handed the award.
In front of the microphone, I find Jess, Mimi… Luc in the audience and look away so I don’t cry. I imagine Mauve and Rory at home, watching on the TV. Mauve nodding along while Rory uses his good hand to clap against his leg, the other in a cast and sling. Mauve likely cringing at a wobble of my foot or an out-of-place curl.
Nana sitting in her armchair, an ice-cream sundae in one hand and her feet half-in, half-out of her slippers while she lets the tears roll silently down her face.
Grampy, Dad… the way they’d stop pacing when my name was called out, the nervous energy dissipating into the threadbare carpets.
I glance at the roof for a few fleeting moments, half looking to those who can’t be here, and half trying to stop the tears from rolling down my face. I let myself enjoy the applause, the standing ovation.
‘I didn’t prepare anything to say here. I never expected to win this award again. I think this is now the fifth time I’ve won this award, four of them for each of my latest albums… which is insane.’
I take a deep breath. ‘I’ve had quite a tough year, which is something you can’t really say when you’re as privileged and lucky as I am and, trust me, I do still pinch myself every day that I get to live this life. But it doesn’t matter how privileged you are…’ My voice cracks. Is that because of the polyps or the emotion? A physical or a mental symptom? I have to hold this together. ‘Grief still affects us all in the same way. And when someone you love goes, it really does make everything feel really, really shitty.’ I inhale deeply again and laugh. ‘All of that is to say, if you emailed me this year, it really didnotfind me well.’
The audience politely joins me in laughing.
‘I’m so lucky to have seen the success I have seen for thepast decade and thank you all so much for not getting sick of me yet. The world tends to get a bit funny towards women who have seen success for what they deem as “too long”, especially when they’re unmarried and childless, and there’s a shiny new person to enjoy.’
I fiddle with my fingers behind the podium. I’m going off on a tangent and I don’t know how to bring it back.
‘So, I feel especially lucky to be standing in front of you as an unmarried, childless woman in her thirties who has broken a record for this incredible award,’ I continue. I know I’m running out of time. ‘I’d like to thank my Grampy, Dad, Nana, as always for being a guiding light through some dark times. And Mauve and Rory for keeping me grounded. Mimi, for always being there for me and letting me do whatever I want to do… to some extent.’
Mimi drops her head, and her shoulders heave up and down with laughter.
‘When I said I wanted a retro, nineties teen magazine-inspired cover for this album, she didn’t shy away.’
The audience laughs again.
‘Jess, my best friend. Thank you for everything you do and basically giving up your life to travel the world with me. What we always dreamed of as kids.’
