I look at Luc and the smile on his face lights him up against the stage lights blinding me. I know exactly where he is. I can picture the exact look on his face. My stomach flutters and, in that moment, everything else falls away.
‘And, finally, to Luc Nicholls, my– who has dragged me through this year to find my happiness again, who tirelessly puts everyone else above himself and who taught me how to live again.’
CHAPTER 21
KIND REGARDS
TRACK 1 | YOUR EMAIL DIDN’T FIND ME WELL
I would say that ‘Kind Regards’ is one of my most heartbreaking songs even if it doesn’t initially sound like it. When you actually listen to the lyrics, it’s so much sadder than it sounds. I wrote it about Luc. He’s been my inspiration for a lot of songs over the years, and ‘Kind Regards’ is about the second time we stopped speaking. When we were only sort-of-friends who spoke every so often. He’d met Rose and they were going from strength to strength. She was perfect for him, and I didn’t want to get in the way. I was so used to having Luc in his entirety, I didn’t want the crumbs.
It's not only‘Music Artist of the Year’ I pick up. I sweep a whole list of awards and somehow become the most awarded artist in PAA history. I end up going home with five of the nine awards I was nominated for. Which I never would have believed a few months ago after Benji-gate.
Luc helps me carry them while we loadourselves back in Kareem’s car. We’re both wired from the excitement of the evening, entering that part of jet lag where I’m almost past being tired. But I’ll sleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.
Luc’s hand stays in mine for the whole car journey, tracing comfort and desires.
Dennis takes us up in the lift, all of us in silence. He drops us off outside our hotel room and waits until we’re inside with the door locked and bolted before going into the next room.
In the silence of our solitude, Luc steps towards me, leaning forward, a flush creeping into his cheeks. He wraps his arms around me, pressing his face into my hair. ‘You’re such a superstar.’ His words drip over me like warm honey, the free wine and jet lag making everything soft at the edges.
Neither of us had much of the booze on offer, on the account that neither of us wanted to see photos of ourselves looking worse for wear online tomorrow, and because we can’t blow our cover.
And because I know we have an even longer flight at dawn, even further than London, for Luc’s birthday surprise. I don’t want to be hungover in a tin can.
Luc pulls back, just enough to create a distance between us. His breath licks at my face, tickling my chin, but I don’t move. If anything, I get closer.
I smell red wine and the garlic canapés on his breath. Or maybe that’s my own. He exhales softly, gently, as though trying to disguise the fact he’s doing so and then closes the gap between us. His lips meet mine and he pulls me in closer until his body is flush against me, a pressure meeting in a heat at my hips.
‘Is this okay?’ he whispers, his hands pressing against my back.
My mouth is dry when I nod and start unzipping my dress, the heavy fabric making my body ache. Luc helps me, his fingers leaving a trail of goosebumps in their wake, untilthe dress lands in a heap on the floor. Whoever said beauty is pain really wasn’t kidding. I untie the skirt around my waist, and it floats to the floor.
I stand in my bodysuit and Luc looks me up and down, rubbing the stubble on his chin. My heart is thumping, my legs quivering underneath me. Luc clears his throat. I step towards him, evicting the pocket of air between us. He rests his forehead on mine, our breathing heavy, laboured. The heat in my belly unspools between my legs.
Once we do this, there’s no going back.
Our agreement becomes something else entirely.
I’m ready to let my heart win this time. Luc’s not going anywhere anytime soon.
‘Because we’re us?’ he offers, fingers lacing through mine.
My heart thumps, but I nod despite the fluttering feeling. When Luc had first said this to me, I didn’t know what he meant. I do now.
‘You’re not just anyone to me.’
The end date is still in my mind, but I push it back, making room for the present moment. I can’t always worry about the future, about whether something will work. Sometimes I need to live for myself, for what I want.
His breath hitches in his throat, hesitating before his hands graze the stretchy fabric covering my hips. I drape my arms over his shoulders, and he takes it as the invitation I meant it and pulls me in closer by my hips. Our bodies press together, inch by inch, skin on skin.
‘Is this okay?’ he asks again.
‘Yeah,’ I gasp. I can feel him through his trousers against my almost-bare body. My dress in a puddle on the floor around me in the living room, my eyes find the bedroom door and then land on Luc. He follows where my gaze travelled.
‘Yeah?’
‘Yeah.’
