‘No.’ Mimi shakes her head. ‘It’s not a surprise. Considering we’ve been here before.’
My mouth drops open, heat rolling over my body. ‘Meaning?’
Mimi sighs. ‘I think it’s time to stop with the games, Sienna.’
I open and close my mouth, gulping like a fish. ‘I haven’t done anything wrong.’
Mimi eyes me narrowly, waiting for me to continue.
‘Nothing happened with Xavier. He came over. I told him to leave. The end.’
‘You’re a thirty-year-old woman running around with boys,’ Mimi says.
‘Boys?’ I almost laugh but think better of it. ‘Jonny is retiring this year… I don’t think he’s a boy.’
‘You know what I mean.’
‘To be fair, the way he acts… boy,’ Jess interjects, taking a sip of her coffee.
I think about it for a moment and shrug. ‘Fine, I take your point.’
Mimi clicks her pen with one hand, drumming the fingers of the other against the breakfast bar. We’re all waiting for each other to say something. I need to clear my throat, yet again, but I don’t want them to think I’m about to saysomething. That I’m about to come up with some explanation. We look between each other and, when I can’t take it anymore, I glance at my hands, picking at the hangnails which haven’t yet become hangnails.
‘I know that Jess had the second story with Xavier taken down… But you know whoever saw it will still believe it.’ She sighs heavily. ‘It’s probably already screenshotted in a video somewhere on TikTok.’
‘Jesus, when did I become the poster girl for slut-shaming?’ Heat rises, blood pooling in my cheeks.
‘I know you’re acting out,’ Mimi says slowly. ‘I know everything feels out of control so you want to be reckless, but your career can’t afford it anymore. Not when you’re thirty.’
‘Why is everyone acting like I’m three birthdays away from a care home?’ I don’t mean to shout. ‘I didn’t do anything wrong and I’m still being ridiculed for it.’
They blink back at me.
‘Message heard. I’ll stop,’ I continue.
‘It seems like a witch hunt,’ Jess says slowly. ‘Like no matter what you do they’ll pick it apart until they can find a way to call you… a slut, basically, I guess. Without actually saying the words, obviously.’ Her eyes are glazed over, water coated.
Mimi clicks her tongue against the roof of her mouth. ‘Look, Sienna, I’m not having a go at you.’
Could’ve fooled me.
‘I would love for you, and you know I would, to live your life how you want,’ Mimi continues.
I narrow my eyes at her. I know she wants the best for me. I know she is a formidable woman who’s great at her job. But she has to know this is bullshit, right?
Mimi shakes her head. ‘But the fans and the media and the world more generally don’t like women who don’t fit their idea of what and who a woman should be.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ It’s supposed to be a question, but it comes out as a spit.
I know exactly what this means. It’s a throwback to theSIENNA’S ONE-NIGHT SURPRISEheadline a few years ago. The pictures of me on the beach, taken with a long lens from a side angle. The slight bloating from my period causing the whole world to believe that, because I wasn’t in a stable relationship that everyone knew about, I must be pregnant with a random man’s baby. Because no woman ever bloats, right? It’s always put me off trying to meet someone while I’m still in the public eye. That kind of scrutiny on my body.
Jess tilts her head, looking into her lap as her eyes widen. I know that face. I know that she is desperately trying not to laugh. Her awkward laughter trained to be buried right down at the bottom of her personality when she has to be professional. When our year four teacher brought her up to the front of the class to shout at her for doodling in her exercise book, for drawing hair on a smiley face awarded for her good work, Jess laughed – most children would cry.
Mimi’s voice brings me out of my happy place: my cave of memories. ‘It just means that society is less lenient to you now than when you were twenty-five.’ Mimi pulls her curls back off her face and ties them at the top of her head with an elastic. One of the front pieces falls out, dangling in front of her face. ‘You might have been able to get away with being a number one artist while dating or sleeping with different men then, but you’re older now.’ Mimi slaps her hands to her mouth.
‘Ouch,’ I gasp, so shocked I laugh but it doesn’t stop the tears springing to my eyes.
‘No, Sienna. This isn’t what I think.’ It’s Mimi’s turn to protest. ‘I’m telling you what society is going to think of you now.’
