This time he’s trying to stick, and my heart won’t let him out as easily.
I go to rehearsals and home again and sit in front of the blank tele screen until the early hours, a blank page in my notebook open in my lap. I don’t leave the house, drinking wine on the sofa in the low light. I’m not supposed to drink while I’m rehearsing. It won’t do good things for my voice. But if I’m retiring, who cares?
Last night, I slept poorly, and I didn’t want to go to rehearsals today. I rang Mimi and feigned a foot injury, citing the need to rest if I was going to recover in time to complete rehearsals before the tour.
The house is quiet, and only the static hum of the fridge inthe background tells me I’m not the only person on the planet right now. Luc’s jumper still lays in a heap on my bedroom floor where he left it. The only physical evidence he was ever here.
It’s already two o’clock, so I crack open a beer that Luc left a few weeks ago. It fizzes in my mouth in a way that’s not wholly unpleasant, although the aftertaste is putrid.
I take a deep breath and open our message thread.
LUC (FRIDAY)
Sienna can we talk please?
I promise it’s not what it looks like
I have an explanation for everything, just please talk to me
LUC (SATURDAY)
What can I do to get you to talk to me?
Sienna I’m going crazy here
Please please let me explain
LUC (SUNDAY)
We promised each other we wouldn’t run without an explanation Sienna
At least let me give you that
LUC (YESTERDAY)
Sienna please
I cannot tell you how much I miss you right now
I can explain what Jess said please just hear me out before you do anything rash
The thread ends there, but Luc’s name at the top tells me that he’s typing again.
LUC
Sienna please can we talk? Just let me explain
I can explain everything
The ticks must go blue straight away. He knows I’m online and reading them as they come in. Nothing else comes for a few minutes but I stare at the screen until it tells me that he’s typing again. I wait. The status goes from typing to not every few seconds until finally another message comes through.
LUC
I know you’re there Sienna but I’m not explaining myself over text. Please call me when you’re ready to hear me out and I’ll be happy to do so but please don’t run again. We’re better than that. Everything between us was real I can promise you that
I lock my phone after that. Eventually he’ll get the message. Eventually he’ll see that I haven’t changed at all. I’m still exactly the person I’ve always been.
Sienna Martin. The infinite ghost.
