I should never have thought I could change.
We’ve come so far, but it was always going to end like this. We’ve been dancing around each other for far too long for it to end any other way.
I tap my pen against my notebook, the blank page still taking the piss out of me. I know that I want to write a song about everything I’ve felt in the last few days, but I don’t want it to be too obvious what it’s about. I don’t want the entire world to know that I stooped to a PR relationship and then stupidly got too… No.
My phone vibrates again.Not Luc. Renée Ross.
RENÉE
You up for a celebration tonight? Your girl just got engaged!!!!!
SIENNA
No! Stop! Renée! That’ssuch amazing news!
How else are you supposed to react when your friend gets engaged? When you’re so happy for them but it also breaks everything clean in two. I overuse the exclamation points instead. No one deserves it more than Renée, but it’s a painful reminder of everything that I can’t have.
I text my stylist directly asking if she has anything for me to wear to an engagement party tonight. She says she’ll bring it round within the hour. I ask her not to tell Mimi and Jess. I can’t miss Renée’s engagement party, but after missing rehearsals for my poor foot, they won’t be happy that I’m prancing around in heels at a party.
Was the girl with the jacket over her head Sienna Martin?
Probably but where’s Luc?
They don’t go anywhere without each other lately, god I hope nothing’s wrong
They’ve obviously broken up already – that’s the Sienna Martin way
CHAPTER 26
SCARS OF THE HEART
TRACK 11 | INFINITE GHOST
‘Scars of the Heart’ is a song for those who have been hurt in the past. It’s probably the most relatable song I’ve ever written because it’s about all kinds of hurt – both physical and emotional. That every time you are emotionally hurt, it also leaves a little scar that hurts to touch over the years or aches when it’s cold.
These few dayshave been a slow haze, everything jagged at the edges but blurred in the middle, a sharp pain I can’t locate making my body ache every time I move.
I obviously did not get away with the stunt I pulled last night, and now I have to put in extra hours every day to make up for it. They knew quite clearly that my poorly foot was bullshit when I tottered up to an engagement party in six-inch stilettos.
I wish I found it in me to care about being in trouble. About doing something for myself for a change. I needed to go out. To get it out of my system. To feel like myself again after Luc.
Is that a crime?
Rehearsals for the tour every day slowly loosen me up, before making my muscles tight again by the next morning. We’re so close now – only a week to go. Soon I can move past all this Luc stuff and get back to doing what I do best.
My phone vibrates against my thigh. A message from Rory asking whether I’m okay, that he’s seen pictures of me in the papers and is concerned, which I ignore. Another is from Renée thanking me for celebrating with her last night. This morning’s message from Luc is still in my notifications. I take a deep breath and click it, multiple messages from him since he left my house on Friday filling the screen. I focus on the most recent one.
LUC
I’ll still be here when you’re ready to talk
My fingers hover over the keyboard at the bottom of the screen. Heart thumping in the back of my throat, ears ringing. I hold my other hand to my head, rubbing at my temples, before my fingers start moving without my permission.
SIENNA
I think I need a bit of space. I will talk to you soon, but please give me some time.
I immediately delete the entire thread between us and put my phone back in my pocket. My back-up dancers are still rehearsing, going over the bridge ofKind Regardsonce again to make sure they have it perfect. The choreographer has already packed up and gone home. Her job is basically done. She just needs to make sure we have it perfect before opening night.
