Vessa watched as the words hit him like throwing daggers. He took a step back, the blows too great. His four fangs flashed, his naked brow furrowed. “And what about what I’ve lost?”
“And what haveyoulost? Yourhonor? So have I, and—”
“I lostyou!” he roared.
Air left her lungs in a gasp.
He swiped a hand through his dark hair, his chest heaving. “Do you know why I hand-made you the plasma dirk?”
“I don’t know. Because I was like a bruvya to you?” It was all she could manage with constricted lungs.
“Bruvya,” he scoffed. He shook his head as his hand flexed in and out of a fist, putting every vein of his forearm on display. “I didn’t spend a year crafting the perfect blade—pouring myself into it, even using elements of my own armor, and hunting down the exact Minad jewels that mimicked your favorite view of the forest—because I wanted you as a fucking comrade. I wantedyou. All of you. As my mate, my partner. Stars, even as myactualbruvya. I wanted every morning with you, every night. Every single one of your smiles, and every venomous word. And if I could earn it, be worthy enough, I wanted your heart. You wereeverythingto me.”
Heat rushed through her veins, her head spun. A lump formed in her throat. “But you never said anything,” she rasped. “What am I supposed to do with this now?”
“I thought about telling you a thousand times. Every second of every setting. I knew I would lose you, and then I fucking lost you anyway.” He laughed, but it was humorless. For the first time, she saw just how broken he was. It was in every tightened muscle, came out in every single word he spoke. It was written all over his beautiful face.
Tears welled in her eyes. “You idiot,” she hissed. “You already had my heart. Ilovedyou. So gods damn much I defied the Elders just so I could train with you. I waited for you to do something, sayanythingthat let me know you felt what I felt. But you never did. I even—” Her voice cracked. She shook her head, trying to clear the emotion that was leaking out in salt and breath. “I even let you live that night because my heart was still too weak to kill you.”
Their confessions collided. Splintered. Fell to the cavern floor amongst the icicles.
“You loved me?” he asked. The shattered things of what could have been pierced his soft question.
She lifted her chin. “I did, Kedar. You were everything to me, too.”
“And now…”
Her heart was beating too fast. Her vision narrowed. “I can’t.Wecan’t.” Her fist curled against her chest. “There’s this thing inside of me, clawing to get out, that loves you still and will go on loving you. Even in death. But I also hate you so much that it has changed and shaped me. I hate you for the choices you made that night, for being exiled because of you. And gods, I hate myself, too.”
He closed the distance between them, and she was too shocked to anticipate what he would do. But she could never have prepared herself for the sight of him falling to a knee before her. He planted his fist hard into the cavern floor as he bowed his head.
“What—”
“I’ll do anything,” he said through gritted teeth. “Complete any task, slay any beast. Ask it of me, Vessa, and it is yours. You want me to crawl to you? Beg? You only need command it. I’ll spend a lifetime earning your forgiveness and trust, just do not make me suffer a life without you near.”
Could it be so easy? She imagined having him again. They could hunt and train together. Return to Lovo, where he’d given her the plasma dirk, and travel to all the planets they once spoke about. They could laugh under the stars again, trade all their secrets. She could see him every day with his mask off. Collect each of his expressions and hold them close like a treasure keeper.
She could justbewith him. Her best friend.
Tears ran down her cheeks. “You’ll do anything I want?” she whispered.
He looked up at her then, and she almost came undone. “Anything.” He brought his hands up to grip the sides of her thighs. “Please.”
Her heart shattered. Her very soul cracked. She was so gods damn tired of losing everything. “Then let me go, Kedar.”
He closed his eyes. “This is what you ask of me?” His voice was hoarse, broken.
“It’s better this way,” she whispered.
He rose with frenetic energy. “Anything but that. I’ll never stop hunting you, Vessa. I can’t. You are in every wretched breath I take. I don’t know how to be in this world without you. ”
“Maybe we’ll find each other in another lifetime. And maybe then, things will be different for us—we could be each other’s salvation. But right now, you need to let me go.”
“You’ll have to rip out my hearts to stop me from following you.” He clawed at the middle of his chest as if he could give them to her right then. “Take them, they’re yours!”
This was pain beyond anything else she had ever suffered. But Vessa took her fill of him. Memorized the structure of his face, the exact hue of his eyes. Then she stepped around him, retrieved his helmet. Kedar only watched her, his breathing ragged. He was shaking and his skin was hot, feverish, as she pressed against him. Standing on her tiptoes, she cupped her hand at the nape of his neck and pulled him down. He obeyed, searching her gaze. Too afraid to undo whatever it was she was offering. Desperate for anything she would give.
He let her fit the helmet over his head, just as he had allowed her to take it off hours ago. She brought it down until only his mouth was exposed to her.
