Kedar’s calloused fingertips, which had been tracing the length of her spine, stilled against her. His jaw ticked before he gave her a slight nod. “That night, seven cycles ago, some hot helmets had returned from the Great Hunt and were being welcomed into the clan. When the alarms sounded that something had happened, that there were intruders, most of the clan had more brew in their veins than blood. I barely drank, as my mind was elsewhere. So, I was the first to respond. Two unmasked youths who’d been guarding an armory were ambushed. They were badly wounded, but they could speak.”
Kedar took a deep breath, his chest rising beneath her. “They were attacked by four Seken warriors from your faction, who then stole some of our weapons.”
Vessa covered her mouth with her hand. The truth of it was in his eyes, dripped from his words. “I didn’t know,” she whispered. Did she have it all wrong? Had she blamed Kedar when it was her faction who’d spilled blood first?
“I know you didn’t, Ves,” he murmured, running his warm, calloused hand down the length of her spine. “But an enemy coming into our territory and harming two youths who hadn’t even earned armor? It couldn’t stand. The qon wanted to use it. He would wait and strategize, but this gave him reason for war. To take your faction’s territory. No High Seken Council could condemn it as it was Sekens who had struck first.”
“I don’t understand, though,” she murmured. “If he wanted to wait, why were you there that night?”
Kedar brushed a strand of hair behind her ear and over her naked shoulder. His fingertips glided against her flesh with suchsolemn gentleness, like it would be the last time he could ever do such a thing. “I knew it was Nikel who led the attack. I couldsmellhim.” His nostrils flared, and his lip curled up to expose his fangs. “His scent was known to me. I’d sensed it on you the moment you began sparring and taking meals with him. Iwantedhis death.”
Realization struck Vessa hard as her stomach dropped. “Tell me you didn’t want to kill Nikel because of what he would become to me.”
He flattened his palm against her back, pressed her into him. “I was incensed. Fury was my guide, bloodshed my oath. I only thought of tearing him to shreds. He spilled Xaal blood, but more importantly, he did not deserveyou. And you didn’t deserve to be made a brood mother when we both know you never wanted that.”
Her heart raced. Kedar’s face blurred in her vision. All this time, she had assumed that he’d been ordered to fight that night, but he’dchosenit. Elder Nerra had told her it was her fault Kedar attacked.
She shook her head. “No,” she breathed. “You…”
Predicting her need to flee, he banded an arm around her back. “The truth,” he reminded her, though his voice was rougher now. Sadder. “I brought two others with me, Sorr and Qed. We were cloaked, but Nikel was waiting. He had his own plan for that night, and I was too blinded by bloodlust to see it. I challenged him, and that cowardsmiledat me. There were others waiting on his signal. It was a blood-damned ambush, and all of it a scheme to look as if we had attacked first. Nikel wanted to start a war.”
“I don’t care about what Nikel wanted. He had no loyalty to me.Youdid,” Vessa said, pushing an accusatory finger into his chest. “You knew the moment you set foot on faction territory that it was an act of war. You should have come to mefirst. Toldme everything. I’d have made you see reason. We could have set up a meeting with the Elders and your qon or dealt with Nikel quietly. But youwantedit. You wanted the bloodshed.” She slammed a fist against his chest. “Itrustedyou, Kedar. More than anyone else.”
“You’re right, I wanted to destroy Nikel. Needed to, even,” he said through gritted teeth. “But I also did it because if I killed the perpetrators, my clan couldn’t make a war out of it. I may have been led by rage, but I swear on my hearts, I did it for you.”
“Stop saying that! It wasn’t for me,” she hissed. “Do you know how much guilt I have from that night? That I couldn’t do more, that I didn’t kill you. I would never have done that to you. I would never have put you in such a situation.”
“Nevskol,” he bit out. “You think I don’t know that? You think I don’t realize what I have done to you? To your faction? I know I fucked everything up for us that night and—”
“For us?” She forced a harsh laugh through her trembling lips. “There was no us.”
The look of devastation on his face mirrored exactly how she felt. “Ves, please, listen to me. I—”
“No,” she rasped. “Let me go. Ineedto go.”Now. Dawn was coming, the blizzard was gone. She had no reason to stay. Vessa pushed herself up, and Kedar’s grip tensed around her waist for the briefest of moments.
But then he let her go.
She didn’t spare him a glance, not even for one last fill of his face, as she stood and stepped over him.
It was so much worse this way. Hurt worse. She was unraveled. All the years she’d shoved the pain down had been meaningless. For here it was, wounds exposed and opened. Raw.Bleeding.
She pulled a hydration pack from his bag and drank it down. Her body was sore and ached from their violent deeds. Matchingbruises from his hips marked the insides of her thighs. The gash on her hip was crusted with dried blood. It would make trudging through snow painful, but she had survived much worse before.
When she was dressed in her original suit, there was no more putting him off. She wasn’t a coward and wouldn’t become one now.
Turning, she found him staring at her with such anguish her heart ached in turn. Like calling to like. But gods, he was a vision. He’d put on his pants and boots, but his bare chest bore her markings—crescent gouges from her nails and the abstract design she’d made with her pin blade. Something flashed through her at the sight, but she pushed it down and down until she couldn’t feel anything. Just the cold.
“Ves.” There were questions in his tone. Uncertainty.
“I’m leaving now,” she said, pulling every emotion from her voice until it didn’t even sound like her.
He shook his head. “Then I’ll follow.”
“Nothing haschanged. Just stop.”
“We—” He let out a frustrated growl. “You can’t just leave. Not now.”
She threw her hands up in the air. “What do you want from me, Kedar? Haven’t you taken enough from me?”
