The noise drew me right to it. The sound of several voices along with the scent of freshly brewed coffee. I entered the room to find several long tables in rows. People were lined up at a cafeteria style counter on one wall, waiting their turn for food. Others served themselves from a coffee bar in the corner. That’s where I headed first.
There had to be at least fifty people in the dining hall. Possibly more. They covered all age groups and ethnicities.People from all walks of life. Addiction and mental illness didn’t discriminate.
Most of the dishware and cutlery were plastic or paper. Safe items for those that shouldn’t be handling anything else right now. I struggled to accept that I was one of them. After what I’d done to Auryn, I didn’t trust myself anyway.
I poured a cup of coffee, trying not to stare too long at anyone else as I got in the lineup for food. Some toast might be nice right now. That very thought made my eyes burn. Flashing me back to the morning in Auryn’s bed when he brought me so many kinds of toast. He’d gone out of his way to take care of me.
Once I finished here I would seek out a nurse or someone who would allow me to make a phone call. I needed to talk to Codie. To find out how Auryn was doing. Not knowing was going to tear me apart.
Instead of toast, I chose a blueberry muffin and a yogurt cup. Feeling as if everyone was staring at the new girl, I found an empty seat at the end of an unoccupied table. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone right now.
As I nibbled my muffin, I noticed that nobody was looking at me. Everyone seemed to be too engrossed in themselves. A few people sat in small groups, talking and eating together. Others sat alone. I suspected that those who were too unstable to come to the dining hall were served breakfast in their rooms. Since I’d been allowed out, I decided to take that as a good sign.
I didn’t get very far with the muffin or the yogurt. I was too nervous to eat. Once I finished in the dining hall, I went in search of someone who could help me with a phone. I found a nurses’ station near an entertainment room where people hung out watching TV and playing board games. A lady there pointed me to a nearby phone that patients were allowed to use.
Grateful that I actually remembered Codie’s phone number off the top of my head, I immediately called her.Nervous as hell. What if she didn’t answer because she didn’t recognize the number?
Luckily, she answered right away. “Hello?”
“Codie, it’s me.” A swell of emotion had me choking back tears.
“Holy shit, Ripley, are you okay? Where are you? Auryn thought you’d been arrested.” She spoke in a loud, hushed whisper. She must’ve been on campus.
“I’m in the psych ward. How is Auryn? Please tell me he’s going to be all right.” I gripped the receiver of the phone tight, my fingertips hurting.
“He’s doing pretty well. The knife didn’t hit anything too serious. It wasn’t as bad as it looked. He got lucky. How are you doing? How long are they keeping you there?” The worry in her voice had me fighting even harder to keep the tears at bay.
“All I’ve been told is that I’ve been put on a seventy-two hour hold. The nurse said she can help me get off the Oxy. There’s a therapist here I can talk to as well. I really don’t want to be here, but I also think it’s exactly where I need to be.” I sniffled, choking back a sob. “It really was an accident, Codie. I would never hurt anybody.”
“We all know that, Ripley. None of us are judging you. We just want you to get better. Auryn wants that more than anything. Stray is at the hospital with him now. He called me a while ago. He said that all Auryn can talk about is you.”
Those were the words that beat me. Making the tears silently roll down my face.
“Tell Auryn where I am. Tell him that I’m sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen.” With my free hand, I vigorously wiped the tears from my face. Not wanting anyone who passed by to see me crying.
“He knows that, honey. Don’t worry about him. Auryn is a fighter. It’s going to take a lot more than this to keep him down.Focus on taking care of yourself. Do whatever you need to do to get better. We all love you.”
“I love you all too.” Part of me wanted to tell Codie to make sure that Auryn knew how much I loved him. But I couldn’t have her be the one to say that for me for the first time. The words needed to come directly from me.
I hung up the phone, wrapping my arms around myself as I wandered away. Thinking about Auryn confessing his love to me last night. Something I knew he’d never said to anyone else.
All I wanted was to get out of here and get back to him. So I needed to take the time to work on myself while I was here. I knew that it wasn’t going to be easy. Somehow, I would find the strength to do whatever it took to become a better version of myself.
Soon after I returned to my room, I was visited by another nurse. One who asked me to take a urine and blood test before giving me a controlled dose of Oxy. She discussed the steps we would take to wean me off the drugs and encouraged me to speak with the therapist they had on site.
As I made my way to the therapist’s office on the main floor, I passed a girl who was randomly spinning in circles in the middle of the hallway. Repeated circles so fast she had to be dizzy. She never acknowledged me.
Three guys exited the entertainment room as I passed by. They were laughing and talking amongst themselves. Would I be here long enough to form a friendship with anyone? I hoped not.
One of the guys paused to glance back at me, raising a brow as he looked me over. Something about his inquisitive stare made me uneasy. Avoiding eye contact, I hurried along.
I never expected to round the corner and find a middle-aged man curled up on the floor, rocking himself. Staring off into space. An orderly crouched beside him, speaking softly. Not once did he react.
I couldn’t deny that things could be much worse. Some of the people here had experienced things I couldn’t even imagine. That only motivated me to do what I had to do to get out of here.
There was something about this place that made me feel both comforted and terrified. The retreat away from the real world felt like something I needed. Yet I couldn’t shake the feeling that not everything was as it seemed. Like there was a darkness here that would overtake me if I didn’t find a way to escape.
Entering the therapist’s office, I sucked in a shaky breath, telling myself this was for the best. No more running from reality. No more hurting myself.
